Invisible Symptoms: Just Because You Don't See It, Doesn't Mean I'm Not Dealing With It

There are too many to name, but here's a few just to give you a point of reference:

Graves' Disease
Lupus
Hashimoto's Disease
Crohn's Disease
Fibromyalgia

All of these are autoimmune disease that can cause a variety of symptoms and cause the person living with the condition more challenges than most can imagine.  The thing about these diseases is that most often, you can't see them... you have no idea the person dealing with the every day issues even has anything wrong with them.  There is no cure and treatment varies in success.

I should know.  I have Graves' Disease.

It's in my biography. You can read a line or two about it in my EPK, but unless you know me or happen to catch a random post about it when I'm frustrated, you would never know it to look at me.  See, I'm blessed. To date, I've only suffered from the silent symptoms... the invisible things happening internally. Unless you're a doctor, you'll probably never notice when one side of my throat is enlarged (has a goiter) and is bigger than the other.  My dry eyes and sometimes hard time swallowing will go unnoticed.  Unless I point it out, you'll miss my shirt shaking from the heart palpitations.  The nights I'm up cleaning house or writing because sleep refuses to come for days or even weeks at a time, you'll attribute to my personal drive.  And the times when I can't keep my eyes open and falls asleep despite by best efforts because my body is crashing, you'll never witness.  Only my family and loved ones have witnessed all that.

I remember when they finally diagnosed me back in 2006.  I wasn't feeling well that day.  Nothing particular was wrong. I didn't have a fever, wasn't nauseous, or anything like that.  I just didn't feel well.  I had my girls, my niece, and a couple other children at my house so I called my doctor's office and left a message for the nurse to see what he wanted me to do.  They took too long to call back and for some reason, I felt like I should go to urgent care. I just knew something wasn't right. (Listen to your inner voice people.) Anyway, I went to urgent care and between checking in and sitting back in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, about an hour and a half had passed.  After all, I wasn't exhibiting any signs of distress or a medical emergency so they just put me in a room to wait.  The kids were getting hungry (it was about 7pm by this time) and the nurse practitioner came in.  She asked the same generic questions they always do while getting out her stethoscope to take a listen (again, like they always do). Everything was going as usual until she put the stethoscope over my abdomen (your aorta runs from your heat down behind where your belly button is) and she stopped speaking in mid sentence, turned to look back through my chart, and then turned to ask me if I'd ever had an ultrasound of my heart.  Huh? Did she just ask me about my heart? Yup.  She sure did.

I told her that I hadn't and asked why she was asking. She wouldn't answer and then asked if I minded if she went and got Dr. Lee (whom I knew very well) and I said "Why don't you do that?" Lol (Looking back I might have been a little rude right then... but she was asking about my heart so I feel I should get a pass.)

Anyway... Dr. Lee comes in asking about my recent weight loss, if I'd been working out, had less of an appetite, etc. All the while, he's listening to my chest/stomach and speaking like everything's okay. Then he asks if there's anyone else with me besides the kids or if any of them can drive. The answer to both of those questions was "no". He tells me that my resting heart rate is 136 and he wants me to drive across the street to the emergency room.  I tell him that I need to feed the kids first and he says I can't. Tells me to drive straight there, have my niece call my husband (I was married then), and he's calling ahead to tell them I'm coming so they can take me straight back.

And that... was the beginning.

At least now I had a name for it, a reason for the things everyone was judging me on.  You see, for months people had questioned me about my weight loss, my energy or fatigue (whichever they happened to notice).  My church had even made me step down from working with the youth because they thought I was addicted to the pain meds from knee surgery (which I wasn't). But the problem was they couldn't see my disease and my hands shaking/weight loss combination gave them enough evidence to pass judgment even though I feel like they should have known better.

And I was hurt.  Still am.  To this day I feel some kinda way for being taken away from my babies (the teens & youth I worked with) because we had/have a special bond and I didn't do anything wrong.  I was sick. I just didn't know it.  And to make it worse, the pastor's wife was a nurse.  How's that for ironic.

I'm sharing all of this not to point fingers or anything like that, but to say be careful when making assessments about people.  You have no idea what they're dealing with on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily basis.  There's no cure for these illnesses.  Doctors have no idea why we get them and are literally "practicing" medicine in their treatment of them.  Some things work well for certain people and not at all for others.  The autoimmune system is complex and once you get one disease, you are prone to get others which is scary when you know that MS and Parkinson's Disease are part of this group as well.

I choose to not let it rule my life.  I deal with it and keep living.  You only get one life after all, right?

I've included a few links below on Graves' and other autoimmune diseases.  Take a look if you're interested. If not, just remember that people deal with more than you could ever see and sometimes the silent symptoms aren't evidence that it's not physical.

(the video below is from a couple nights ago when my heart was palpitating... sometimes it beats fast and other times just hard enough to shake my shirt/lift objects on my stomach)

http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/autoimmune-diseases.cfm
http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/graves-disease.cfm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/graves-disease/DS00181

Julia... Stop acting out my life. Please.

Eat. Pray. Love. 
Runaway Bride. 

I swear this tall, skinny, white woman is living the life of this average height, curvy, biracial woman on screen and I wish she'd just stop it.  Well, not really. She's provided part of my therapy before I was in therapy so I guess I should be grateful. Isn't it ironic how skin color becomes irrelevant, age doesn't matter, and economic status doesn't play a factor when it comes to love and relationships? We base so much in this life on what we look like, do for a living, and where we think we're going, but in reality all of us want the same thing: 

To be happy. To be loved. To be happily in love. 

She'd traveled to 48 or 49 countries; had her passport stamped to prove she'd been somewhere and become worldly educated; only to find that people in every land, of every shape, color, and religion all wanted to know about love. 

How do we find it? How do we keep it? When should we leave it? When should we fight to hold on to it? 

We humans are quite pitiful, aren't we? Simple even. 

Then why do we make things so difficult? 
I would suggest that it's because our focus is misplaced.  We're looking, hunting... even when we say we're not, we're posting our "advertisements" of what we're doing for self so someone else will notice how "put together we are" and find us appealing.  What a conundrum we people are in these days... Especially the women. 

Bless our hearts. 

Let me only speak for myself. How's that? Before someone gets offended and starts saying I think I know all the answers.  I'll make myself the example, ok? 

As a woman, I've been taught to nurture... to edify, uplift, support - be the "help meet" for the man in my life.  And while I'm proud of those qualities... wouldn't trade them for the world, I also think they've been to my detriment because I tend to lose myself in "him". All the sudden, his tv shows become mine, I'm okay with his favorite restaurant, fixing his favorite dinners and desserts.  It's not because I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly aware of the working parts inside me... Probably more so than most people you know.  But it's because I've never taken the time to nurture me.  So if I don't matter to me, it's not an issue to put someone else before me. 

I know to some that may seem foreign, but I believe for more women than we would ever care to let you know, we suffer from this disease of "selflessness". See, what I'm learning now is that I am extreme.  I'm all in or all out. I'm black or white. And it's not working for me.  It's wearing me out.  It's making me want to run down the altar... leave my loves behind... board a plane and head to the other side of the world so I can Eat. Pray. Love. MYSELF.  Because I don't know how I like my eggs or I'm planning to hike on my honeymoon when I have no desire to leave my bedroom... and while these are movie references, you get my point. 

Balance.  

That's the resounded lesson I hear the Universe trying to teach me. Find the things that make me who I am. Recognize the extremes...not only where they take me, but why I let them and then make adjustments.  And if my love at the time is the extreme opposite, then allow him to provide balance as I bring him "center" but never losing me in the process.  Compromise is okay. Disappearing is something altogether different.  I can ride shotgun; give you the spotlight when appropriate; be your cheerleader in the background... as long as you know to do the same when the time comes because I deserve to shine as well. My dreams do not disappear in the pursuit of your goals and my likes do not dissipate because your wants differ.  I matter.  

To me... I matter. 

And what I'm finding is that when I place the focus on me... the happy comes a little easier. The love tends to follow suit because it sees the progress in me and wants to be a part of it.  It's funny that I once needed someone else to love me to let me know that I could and should be loved.  Now, I'm learning that I can love me and if no one else does, then they're missing out. I'm going to breathe anyway.  I'm going to find my joy in an entire pizza engulfed while sitting in my own Naples, Italy, my peace while meditating in the temple of my personal Indonesia, and my "balance of self" in the love I've found within me...and with him.  

I don't maintain every day.  Some days, I slip.  I overindulge and can't button my pants, fall asleep during meditation, or find myself standing on the beach unable to get in the boat.  But the other days... I learn to order my new life's menu in a tongue that was completely foreign to me a month ago... I find meditation over without realizing I've been in quiet contemplation for longer than planned and I meet him on the pier with my paddles ready to row for us.  I'm not perfect, but I'm learning what works for me and mastering how not to let the bad days get the best of me and send me backwards.  

My progress is too important.  It's how I managed to put away my track shoes, step outside my castle of protection where I felt safe locked away from love and what I thought was inevitable hurt, and take the risk again.  And I don't want to go back. 

Yes, there are days when running away is appealing... more attractive than meth to an addict, but I heard someone say this and it stuck with me:

'Yes, you're hurting.  Yes, you're in pain right now.  And if you don't do the drug (in my case, run backwards) the tunnel of darkness will end.  It may be a long, dark road, but eventually, the tunnel will end, the pain and hurt will lessen, and you'll see the light in front of you.  But if you do it... if you take that hit, shoot up... if you run, the hurt never goes away.  The pain stays forever.  You always walk in darkness.  There is no light. 

So for me... I'll continue on my journey.  Eating. Praying. Loving. and Learning along the way what works best for me.  Because a better me, gets a better man who loves me best. 

Dani

http://thisisdani.com
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IG: @thisisdanicook
Twitter: @danithepoet 

The Symmetry Between Self-Love & Selfish

We live in an age where we're very self-oriented in our beliefs.  Everywhere you look there's a commercial telling you what you deserve and how much you need to do for yourself.  The same is true in social media.  People post about focusing on themselves, cutting out people who aren't beneficial for them, making sure they put themselves first, etc.  And while I agree there is a need to love self, protect self, and nurture self, I don't believe any of those things equate to being selfish, lack of sacrifice, or giving to another. 

We are a people of extremes.  

I know I always have been.  I love hard. Play hard.  Hate hard.  

At least I used to.

I loved the idea of things being black and white.  If I was going to do something, I might as well "do it right".  I was not a fan of "grey" in almost any context.

But now, I crave balance... some middle ground. Something that doesn't swing freely, sometimes uncontrollably, between 0 and 180 degrees.  And this is what we need when it comes to self-love. We need balance.. A solid message that helps heal those like me who have no point of reference for nurturing or love in such a capacity... and also teaches patience and compassion to those who have taken self-love and equated it to selfishness because both of those extremes have us missing out on the best that we have to offer each other in relationships. 

Now, I'm not talking just about romantic relationships although that's the main focus of this post.  Intimacy isn't just about a romantic relationship.  Our friendships, family relationships, etc are intimate or at least they should be.  Intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability and extreme people don't do vulnerable well. 

I should know... 

There was a time when I was completely aware of the things going on in me that were keeping me from getting into relationships with people.  I was fine with "surface" dealings because they meant I was "safe". And that feeling of being safe was more important than the risk of hurt just to experience love with another person.  The way I looked at it, I've been loved.  I've had great love with good men and I know what it feels like so there was no need risking someone performing an emotional act of genocide on my heart.  No thank you. It simply wasn't necessary or remotely appealing to me.... Back then. 

But there comes a time when someone becomes more important than the need to feel safe.  And that's when you begin to come out of the castle.  You lower the drawbridge, stop refilling the moat with piranhas, and put away the fire breathing dragon.  BUT - this isn't when you take off all your armor and give folks free access to your delicate places.  (Extreme) Because if you do this and get hurt, I promise your response is going to be extreme and often to retaliate and hurt them back. (For those who know me, you've seen this in action.) Hence the need for balance. 

The key isn't to be a ride or die chick, a stand by your man no matter what he does woman. It's about compromise.  Give and take.  Putting in work and seeing your efforts matched by the other person.  When these signs are present and the relationship is worth it, you keep working.  You stay.  You fight for it.  And I promise that's not possible if your idea of self-love is selfish.  Because it takes sacrifice.  You WILL hurt. But the good must outweigh the bad by far and it will be worth it.  

Too often we stay for people who aren't working with us, but continually against us and it's because we either don't have an understanding of our own value, lack adequate love for ourselves, or we're scared to be alone.  For me, it was the middle one.  I know my value.  Hell, I can give you a laundry list of what I bring to the table as a person.  But knowing you're valuable... understanding that there are things about you that are lovable... isn't the same as knowing you're worth loving.  And knowing that someone should love you, doesn't mean you know how to love yourself. Some are lacking in a point of reference for this and with us, you will have to be patient.  (Here's where balance will be essential.) 

You can't give so much you become empty.  The other person must be replenishing your supply.  You must hold each other down.  Think of it like playing on the teeter-totter on the playground as a kid.  You can't leave them up or stay down too long or it's no fun... you won't be able to look each other in the eye, laugh, and enjoy the ride.  You must push yourself off to bring them down and they must do the same for you.  You have to account for the weight difference in each other knowing that it will require different things from each of you to accommodate the other - that's what makes each relationship unique.  Don't ride with someone who isn't working with you.  Take turns driving because being behind the wheel all the time is tiring and no one should be napping when you've been up for 20 hours and the life of your relationship depends on you staying awake.  (Hopefully, ya'll are following my analogies. lol) 

You can't be the lifeline of the relationship. Remember the lessons of our childhood and take turns.  Share. Understanding that you'll have to do them in both the good and bad times.  It doesn't make you weak or a fool - not if they're doing the same for you.  It makes you smart enough to not walk away from something that has the potential to be everything. Love yourself enough to not deprive it of the best thing you could possibly have just because of pride or the opinions of others.

Hell, most of them are in a worse position and misery loves company. 

If you haven't been paying attention or don't have a strong sense of discernment, you may have missed the shift in the universe, but we are living in a time where we need to figure out what's really important.  It's time for us to heal, learn to nurture and love ourselves, find balance in how much we give to others, and not run from those who bring out the best in us.  Being able to get to the extremes is essential and has its place, but having the extremes be the ONLY place you can reside is detrimental to the very things we want most: To Love and Be Loved.  

I'm looking for balance... trying to be comfortable in the "grey"... 

Join me. 

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Assumptions, Stereotypes, or Just the Plain Truth

I was recently criticized for a post I put on Instagram that compared men putting up pics of cars and cash to women posting pics of their tits and ass because I said that they both complain when they attract "hoes" who only want their money and "niggas" who only want to hit it and leave.  The problem was in my use of the word "hoe" in describing the women according to this particular female.  She felt as if I was degrading the women and regardless if they were degrading themselves, she said that I shouldn't.  Her statement was that I was judging them based on their pictures and women dressing sexually didn't make them promiscuous.  (And let me just say that I wasn't calling them hoes or the men niggas.. that's why the words were in quotes... because that's how they refer to each other in the pics)

Having said that, I'm not quite sure we're referring to the same thing... 
There's a difference between dressing in a provocative manner and posting pics that could make the cover of Penthouse.  There's such a thing as being sexy, tempting even, without being vulgar and displaying nudity.  

And I have this thought on it:
If you're a bird and you have wings, I'm going to assume you can fly.  Now, we all know that not every bird can fly, but the majority of the time, it's a safe and accurate assumption.  So, if you conduct yourself in a manner that appears "hoe-ish" in nature, I don't believe you have the right to be offended when I assume that to be true.  

For those who think I'm wrong or wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd like to address that for you.  When I first started writing and even now to some degree, there are those who think I'm a "man hater" and just blast men all the time, but I don't let that bother me.  I know that if someone actually reads a good portion of my work/posts, they'll know that's not the case and anyone who makes that assumption doesn't really know me.  While social media is an "outlet" and not necessarily the best tool to use when making an assessment about people, I do believe it's pretty much like everything else in life... whatever is most important to you, the way you think, believe, etc will show through more often than not.  You can't hide who you are.  That goes for the good and bad.

As for "judging" people... I have an issue with that word.  I don't think categorizing you or believing you to be who you show yourself to be is judgment.  I think it's smart.  Good prudence.  Judgment is when I determine your value or worth based on that assumption and that's not something I've done.  I haven't said that none of these people are good, have value, or could be relationship material.  That's not for me to say.  Now, there are those who believe a hoe and housewife don't go together, but that's not up to me to decide.  I can only judge if men who post nothing but cash and cars are good prospects for ME... not anyone else.  And it's my prerogative to do so because I can choose who's in my life or not for whatever reasons I deem appropriate.  So... back to the issue of whether I was wrong for making an assumption that a bird with wings can fly:

There's a reason stereotypes exist.  They may be racially, socially, or economically motivated, but for the most part, they are accurate.  That's how they become stereotypes, right?  We naturally associate technology and intelligence with Asians, religion and right-wing values with Republicans, "baby daddy" issues, dancing, and good cooking with Blacks, and the KKK with rednecks.  While there are definitely lots of people who don't fit into these stereotypes, they exist because there's a majority where they've been found to be true for a long period of time.  Don't get mad at me for speaking the truth.  I'm just sayin'.  

It would be wonderful to live in a world without prejudice, but I don't believe that to be the same thing as assessing who people demonstrate themselves to be and then making an assumption based on that information.  How else are we supposed to determine who people are? We have to go on our gut, our spirit, etc but we can't discount what we see with our own eyes because that'd be plain foolishness.  At least in my humble opinion.

So, if your profile pics, IG posts, and Twitter look like the twerkin' pic below... please expect and don't be offended when me (and others) assume you're a hoe.

A Different Place...

As I sit here almost a full here from the last time I blogged on this site, I'm a little in awe at the difference 10 months can make in a person's life.

While I'm still perfectly content in my singleness and nowhere close to ready for marriage, I find myself more willing to consider the possibility of letting someone love me.  Notice, I didn't say that I was open to loving because that's never quite been an issue for me.  That's why I've chosen the people that I have in the last 2 years to deal with... because they were never a threat.  How's does that sound?  Crazy, huh?

Let me see if I can explain it better and if any of you that this next paragraph applies to are reading this... let me apologize in advance because my intent is not to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest.  See, when you come out of a relationship that absolutely devastates you, shakes not just your belief in love, but the foundation of your spirituality, you do everything possible to not put yourself in the position to repeat that mistake.  So for the last two years, IF I decided to spend time with a guy, I specifically chose people that I knew I had no interest in long term.  Not that I didn't like them or didn't enjoy spending time with them, but because there was something about them (and this point varies depending on who we're speaking of) that prevented any real possibility of me falling in love and having a long term relationship with them.  And this worked... for a while.

But eventually... inevitably, when you're a real woman, a good woman, you get to the point where you either want something more or nothing at all because you can only have so much fun, casual conversation, and good sex.  Just keeping it real.

Now, what's interesting is that I'm not sure I'm up for something heavy or long term and I know that I'm still years away from even considering marriage again, but at least I'm open to the idea of a relationship which is a big step for me.  I've even gone out on a few dates with people that I thought were potential candidates for something to possibly develop... like, there was nothing obvious that I knew would put them in the "just for now" category.. lol.. And what I found is that I'm more disappointed than anything.  Because it seems no matter how open you try to be with them, how clear you are about what you do and don't like, will and won't take, and what games they don't need to play... they still don't get it right.  It's almost like they say that want you to be honest and upfront, but when you are, they can't handle it or don't know what to say to it.  And I frankly don't want to take the time to train or teach someone how to be a man with me.  I want someone who already knows.. which brings me back around to being completely content being single if that never comes along because I refuse to settle.

I did that once already.

And to be honest, I think men almost have too many options. I know a lot of beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are single.  So, for a guy... even if he's got the attention of one of us, there's the potential to entertain more of us and if he can without making a choice, why shouldn't he? Except that in the end, he's just as alone as the rest of us but who's really making decisions based on their reality 5-10years from now when it comes to dating and relationships? Not most of the guys I know.

So, here I sit... a single 38yr old mom of two daughters who most think should be on the hunt for someone before my clock runs out or menopause decides to hit and instead, I'm at home writing this blog and perfectly content... with me.

Don't get me wrong... if someone worthwhile comes along, I'm open to at least the possibility. ;)

Single & Happy - A Lesson For the Men

Over the recent months, I've had more and more men ask me "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?".  Then of course, there's the man who assumes that he understands me, knows my level of hurt, and that one day, when I'm ready, "the right man will come along and I'll be happy." And I swing back and forth on the pendulum of response to this going from laughter to downright anger, close to madness, in my need to react.

But instead of reacting, I think I'll take this time to respond... correct.. and hopefully, educate.

Believe it or not, happiness can be obtained in solitude.  Contentment can be found without constant companionship or the defining status of: In a Relationship

I know that is hard for some of you to grasp and your male egos think that we should have to NEED you, but hear me, believe me when I say that it is just not so.   And here's the important part to this... it's not because we're angry.  Our choice to be single is not because we've been so devastated that our belief in marriage is now bitter or our ability to trust shattered.  It's simply not what we want.  Now, I'm not sure why that's such a hard concept to grasp, but apparently it is.  So, in an effort to clarify, break it down for easy consumption let me explain it to you from my personal perspective and see if it makes any sense to you.

I believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage.  It is something sacred, precious, and amazing.  Now, I was raised in church and while there are many beliefs that I may now question or wonder about their simplicity, the role of men and women in relationships is not one of them.  Having said that, I need you to pay attention here and understand what I'm telling you. I believe that the man is the head of the house.  Yup, that's right.  I believe that the man should be the head of the house and be treated as such.  Now, men... don't think this means that you can expect the respect and submission this position deserves if you aren't leading appropriately. 

Here's the thing... (and yes, I'm going back to church on ya'll)

The word says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  We all know that Jesus loved the Church enough to sacrifice himself for it.  Men, when's the last time you left your woman feeling like you would die for her?  When's the last time you created an atmosphere that said to her "you come first" or "my wants will come after your needs"?  I've been telling men for years that the key to a woman is to make her feel safe.  Not just physically, but on all fronts.  You do that, and I promise submission will not be an issue.  A man must know to facilitate the balance between leading and letting.  See, women aren't to be treated as children or stepping stones.. they are to be respected, honored, and treasured.  There's a balance that must be obtained.

For example, everyone would probably agree that Michelle Obama, First Lady and attorney, is a strong woman.  I would even venture to say that she's "independent" in her thinking, but I don't think there's a soul that would say Barak doesn't lead that home.  Just like when they dance, she's secure in his steps, so she's comfortable letting him lead.  That's the balance of a perfect union.

Now, I know some of you men are saying that women today won't let you lead and that some of us are too independent.  And I would agree.  But I'm talking about what I would call "real" women.  A woman who understands the way this thing is designed to work... when this woman has a man who exhibits the qualities listed above, she naturally submits.  She falls into alignment with that which God designed and understands her role... her place.  And there's nothing demeaning in it.  There's no loss of self, no secondary level of respect, because he exalts her.  Maybe some of you think I'm old school.. old fashioned, etc.. and that's fine by me.  But I know strong women - amazing women who have their heads held high, accomplishing success on a variety of levels who are married to confident men, who aren't threatened by them, know how to appreciate them, support them in their endeavors, and put them in their place when needed.  That's how it should work people.

I also believe that men being the "head" of the house means that he comes before the children.  Now, before you mothers freak out.. listen to me.  If he's the man we have described above, there's no issue giving him this power, because he's the kind of man who will place them before himself just as he does you.  Make sense?  That's why we shouldn't just become joined to anyone.  In the right relationship, we are entrusting this man to lead our family and he must be worthy and capable of that responsibilty.. and not all of them are.

I said all of that to say this...

It's this belief system that keeps me single.  Puzzled are you?  Well, think about it.  It makes perfect sense.  Coming out of a 13yr marriage, I believe that it's my responsibilty to give my undivided attention to my daughters.  Make sure that they are okay with things the way they are.  I am focused on them, my career(s), and myself.  And because of that, I know that a relationship isn't for me.  I won't bring a man on the scene and have him detract from what they rightfully deserve and definitely need from me right now.  That wouldn't be fair to them, and I'm their mother above anything else.  At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to the man either.  He deserves the right to take his position in the relationship and if I know that I'm not willing to even entertain that right now, why should I waste his time with me?  Why not let him move on to another woman who desires a serious relationship or who is just dying to married??  Isn't that the responsible and respectful thing to do?

See, it's not bitterness that keeps from me single.  It's a choice to be conscious of what others need/desire and not involve myself with people who want more than I know I'm willing to give.  That doesn't make me a "scorned woman" "man-hater" or "bitter bitch".  It makes me intelligent, responsible, and grown.  I don't need a baby daddy. A sponsor holds no appeal for me.  The only people I want to be attached to until death do we part right now are my daughters and my family.  And believe it or not, they alone make me happy.  I am not lacking. 

So before you open your mouth, chat box, or message box and go to ask a woman why is she single... think about this and understand that it might just be exactly what she wants... and she's happy with it.

Confrontation

it's not confrontation when done with conviction...because it's necessary for the resurrection of my soul. so, don't call me dramatic. i am not the conjurer of conflict, but simply taking the necessary steps to survive it.

and i'm not asking you to approve, nor do i expect you to like it. you don't have to grin and bear it, but it's going to happen anyway. so, you might as well determine to come out smiling: i have.

:)

that's right.

i'm finally on the road to recovery and although the pain is deep rooted and i can still feel the cut of betrayal, indignation at the trespassing onto my private property, i'm getting better. i'm taking it one step at a time and watching myself blaze trails where few have dared to travel.

how about that?

innocence may have been lost, trust dissolved, and fears instilled, but someone once told me that courage is not the absence of fear, but action taken in the midst of it's presence. So, call me the Cowardly Lion and hear me roar... because i refuse to let the snare of the enemy hold me hostage anymore.

now, some would say that God is not in the midst of what i currently do because my feet have long since crossed a church threshold, but i know that "church" resides in my communion with Him and that takes place in my spirit and in my soul. so, take a look at that plank reflected in your own mirror and leave my salvation to the only One who determines it... and i won't judge you either.

wouldn't that be something? if acceptance could be obtained without the need for approval... if you could not just love, but respect me anyway even if you don't agree with it... now, that would be an accomplishment.

if what the devil meant for bad, really turned out to be used for good... (i think i've heard that somewhere before) and yes, i'm smiling. see, i haven't turned my back on God, it's just hard for me to look Him in the eye sometimes. i've always been special to Him, and He knows that i know He didn't do it, but it still hurts...

so, He just holds the back of my bicycle seat and lets me think that i'm doing it all myself. that's why i still love Him. He finds amusement at my so-called independence of Him when all the while, He's still guiding my direction. He even pretends not to see me look back to make sure He hasn't let go yet... so, don't tell me i don't have a relationship. it's just different than yours.

and that's the entire point that i'm trying to make. so what i do and say isn't exactly "politically correct" or "socially acceptable"... am i supposed to be discouraged by that? if nothing else, your cries of indignation only serve as confirmation that i'm doing just what needs to be done. so, as i've said before, you'll get no apologies from me. sorry just can't leave my lips. because if trying to find my healing and peace is somehow offensive to you, if my true intentions somehow don't penetrate your wall of anger or confusion, i can't help you.

in the meantime, i've got to continue calling a spade a spade, telling the Undiluted Truth, and praying for the strength to do it without the expectation of affirmation from anyone.

i think Someone incredibly wise once said... "and the Truth, shall set you free.."

i'm just trying to spread my wings...

The Eye of the Beholder

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, may I cut your eyes out to look in my mirror?
because I rarely like what I see in my reflection...

it is funny that the skin i boast to feel so comfortable in
is also the source of my insecurities...
is it possible to feel confidently insecure?
an actual place of existence
something real that one can dwell in
or does the insecurity make the confidence
null and void?

see, i believe in a bipolar existence
a place of residence that is probably more real
than the four walls you call home...
because none of us are what we pretend 24/7
even Jesus had his waivering moment
while standing in the Garden of Eden

why do you expect anything different from me?

Why should compliments fall easy on my ears
like whispers of my beloved
when belief that i'm worthy of love
is at times a stretch of my imagination...
nothing more than an apparition
in the desert of my life?

Some hear these words as a quest for reassurance
an expedition of false modesty
seeking a confirmation of validity
but that simply isn't the case
more like an admission
a confessional truth to only be
whispered behind closed doors
because no one would believe them
if shouted from rooftops
and oh, how i feel like shouting

but what would that accomplish?
the vision i see staring back at me
would be the same
and i would still desire for hers to be a name
other than mine
and as long as i stand there
looking for her to be something
other than what she is
beauty will allude me,
disappointment will find me,
and insecurity will be a permanent
fixture in my reality

and while that may be true,
all i have to do is turn my face
from that vessel of vanity,
close my eyes and remember
that although it contains,
my skin is not me...
not the true souce of my beauty

it's my love of the Lord,
however troubled and complicated a relationship
that might be,
my willingness to be open and vulnerable before him
no matter what the masses may think of me...
it's my love of my daughters...
the thing that propels me
when i'm sure that i have nothing left to offer
in those things i see goodness,
and i can be proud,
raise my chin and look to the clouds
with no shame and no doubt...
because insecurities pale in the face of love
incase you didn't know.

so while it may sound like a double standard,
another Dani bipolar moment,
i think we all share a confidently insecure
view of ourselves at times...
and that's okay.
maybe beauty shouldn't be the thing
that we seek to behold when looking in the mirror
but a reflection of inner strength
that on our darkest days will keep us going
atleast, i'd like to think so...

When What You Love Becomes Work...

We all spend time wishing that we could do what we love for a living, and I've often wondered if we should be careful what we wish for. I mean, think about it. When what you love because your work, doesn't that change it for you? Don't you sometimes, not always, but sometimes get bogged down by the normalcy of it? the expectancy of it? the responsibility of it?

It doesn't mean that we don't still love it, but I wonder if it manages to take some of the joy out of it? Just a thought.

I know that for me, I love writing. I love picking up the pen, or putting my fingers on the keys, and just letting my thoughts out onto the page. The only problem with that is now that so many people are reading those thoughts, it leaves me open for judgment, criticism, and what others think should be appropriate censorship. And that's not what I want. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if you judge or criticize even, but don't think that just because you are doing that, that I'm all of the sudden going to censor my thoughts or not put them into writing.

See, I have this crazy mindset that says, if I'm already thinking it, God already knows it, and since He determines my destiny, why should I care what you think? Now, someone recently pointed out to me that just because I think it, doesn't mean I should say it. And my response to that is: believe it or not, I don't. The stuff that you hear me say or read from my page, is actually the watered down version much of the time. And that should probably scare you...lol.

But the reason I say the things I do, is because I honestly believe that if people were more honest about their thoughts, their past, and their failings, we would be people less judgmental and more accepting of each others faults. There wouldn't be the need to pretend so much. We wouldn't carry around this fear of what others will think about us, because we would understand that everyone has those thoughts even if they aren't brave enough to speak them. But that's just me. You might not agree. And while we may differ, I can respect that opinion.

Now, 2 years ago, when I first began to write, none of this would have ever crossed my mind. But now, that what I love has become work for me... I have to. People give thought to what they read and now I'm put in the precarious position of deciding how I choose to handle that. Do I do what others have suggested and conform? Do I start to "be careful" because I now have "an image" and worry about what people will say or think about me?

For those of you who know me, you know that this is likely NOT going to happen. I've spent too many years worrying about what people think and trying to be what other people thought I should. And I've determined to not do it anymore. So, what I have to count on is people being honest and real with themselves, if with nobody else. Because then, they will appreciate me. Support me. And understand my position and where I'm coming from. At least that's my hope. That whether people or agree or not, they can respect and appreciate realness when they hear it. And if they do that, I won't have to worry about image or being "politically or socially correct" because I'll be being honest - and that's what they will love.

Whatever it is that you love, if you are now blessed enough to do it for work, the only thing that I can say to you is stay true to the purpose and feeling that caused you to begin that work. Don't let the expectations of others or the success of your endeavors change you or what you do. Stay true to what has made you successful and people will continue to love and support you. And then, you can still find pleasure in the details, pride in the outcome, and joy in the process of getting it done... even when what you love becomes work.

Baby Mama Drama... Really?

I hear soooo many men these days complaining about women who are putting them on child support and how we women should just sit back and let you all take care of your children the best way you can...

I hear you all talk about the women who withhold visitation because they're angry with you, trying to manipulate you, and all you can say is "if these women would just let us, we would do what we're supposed to as men." In other words, we women just won't "let" you be men, and frankly, I'm sick of that bullshit. How can men, real men, blame a woman for their failings... for not doing what they know is their responsibility or position to play? Really? How weak is that? You're not leading because we're not following? You're not providing because we're pursuing our own opportunities? You're not spending time with your children because you don't want to see us? Get the fuck outta here... It's excuses and I'm sure I speak for many women who are just tired of hearing them.

Because truth be told, when you get a woman who doesn't call you, ,nag you, "hound" you for the monetary support you should be seeking to provide for your children, we don't hear from you. Hell, you might as well be living in some other country for the amount of communication we get from you. But let us pick up the phone... let us ask one time when and how much you plan on sending for your children, and you have the nerve to get belligerent... seriously? As if we don't have a right to question you about providing for our children... it sickens me... how just because we aren't together means that this shit has to be trifling.. .when really, the babies should come first. It should have nothing to do with you or me. Why can't it be that easy?

And before those "good dads" out there get all riled up and pissed behind what I'm saying... let me just say that if this shit does not apply to you... don't take it personally. Because I'm on the other end of the stick.. never calling or asking for shit. Bringing the children more than halfway to ensure that you give them some type of visitation, but getting very little in return. And if men are honest, I would say that my situation is more the majority than not. It's this mindset that is effecting the core of our families...

How does my independence have anything to do with your ability to be a man? Why does my success mean that you should provide less than the minimum the government requires? If you were thinking about the children instead of your animosity towards me, you would realize it's them your hurting... not me. And they won't forget. It will mold them into the women they are to be and that's what I fear most. That somehow, you're lack of fathering will negatively impact their ability to trust and believe in men... because we as women were made to compliment you. And if we continue down the path we're on now, the family structure will continue to lessen with each and every generation... and that's sad.

So, before we keep talking about "baby mama drama", consider how we women feel about "sorry ass baby daddies", and let's make an effort to get this shit right. Why should our parental relationships be defined by such titles? This could not have been our plan, our agenda, when their arrival took place on this earth... so, why not give them the consideration that they deserve? I will tell women to not use their children as pawns... give that man a chance to play the role he has earned... and in the meantime, you men, step up to the plate. Show up for visitation and don't be late. Be fathers and daddies so there's no distinction in the terminology and all your children will know is "mine was there for me"... that should be our aim.

This is the lives of our children... not a game.

Half Baked

Like bodies lying on sandy beaches around the world, most of us find our dreams half baked... but then again, aren't many of our ideals, almost all of our perceptions, concepts, and expectations of what life ought to be for us? half baked. a little "undercooked". something that needed a little more time to become what it should be... yep, that's us.

and then we wonder why things leave a bad taste in our mouths... it's because we are living life consuming things that aren't completely ready for us or attempting to handle situations we aren't quite ready for. just running through life... half baked.

we apply our half baked theories to our relationships and then wonder why the appetizers are a little too hot, the salad has too much dressing, our meat is a little too chewy for our liking and we ended up watching it bleed... it's because it's half baked. we've began consumption too soon.. when it just looked pretty.. like it "should be done" and we didn't check the internal temperature to make sure that the substance it was cooked all the way through and not harmful to us..

it's why disappointed dreams hurt so much... they almost make us sick. half baked poisoning... lol. something like that. you know what i mean at least. it's believing in half truths when we know that honesty doesn't exist in the people we are dealing with, but we are in love with the idea of who they are going to be to us so we keep half thinking that somehow they will change who they are and manage to become fully the ideal that we've been half dreaming all our lives. no wonder we stay nauseous...

and then.. when we ought to throw it out.. get rid of that which has made us sick, we hold onto it. leave it in the fridge or microwave... thinking that maybe with time it will somehow become the meal of life's menu for us. we keep them around... as if looking at them will somehow make them edible. knowing that it's really spoiling inside... crossing the boundary from half baked to completely rotten and worthy of only one thing, the trash.

and again, here comes our half baked ideals thinking that maybe the milk will become yogurt or even cottage cheese.. or hopefully like grapes, eventually they will become wine worthy and we will be able to lose ourselves in the inebriation of it's consumption... but nine times out of ten we know that this is not realistic. we don't have the patience or nurturing that it would take for that and even if we did, would we want it that way? do we want it when it's ugly, smells bad, or something we have to "acquire a taste for" ?? no, we want it pretty, pleasing to our senses, and absolutely delicious at the first bite...

a half baked idea of how things usually happens...

when will we learn better? to cook our meals or wait for them to rot and become something different which is probably better for us than the original, but definitely not what we first wanted... we probably won't. we're the microwave generation.. we want it simple, edible, and we want it quick... often not leaving time for anything to marinate, generate a special taste.. instead it ends up like ravioli or ramen... individually packaged, easily prepared, tasting bland and like everything else.

that's what we half baked people get: wanting 5 star meals from our drive thru windows...

why don't we just take time to cook??

Puzzled Pictures...

i wish somehow that my pieces really fit into the perfect puzzle picture framed and hanging on my life's door that everyone seems to see and keep admiring...

a beautiful picture that has been hung for visual entertainment... something for your eyes to rest upon and provide an illusion of "put-together-ness"... a pretty picture display that without hesitation or deeper investigation, you turn your head and look away. completely unaware that the puzzle is not complete or anywhere close to accurate.

the pieces have been forced together, and glued into position so that the image before you is what it should be. but in reality, if you look closer, you will see the edges don't quite touch and there's space where none should be. but only if you step closer... really want to see what lies beneath the image hanging in front of you.. will you find these small but wide imperfections.
tracing the branches of the trees only to find flowers at the ends instead of leaves, oceans bleeding red instead of glorious blue seas, but you think that i'm just trying to be artistic in my expression, not realizing that it's painful dysmemberment that you are witnessing...

please look beyond the frame, through the glass, and see the puzzle that lies beneath.
i know that it won't be quite as endearing or sweet, but it will be truth. because as much as we would like to think that life just "goes together" and things are just "meant to be", i would say that things rarely happen as they are destined or how God designed them to. see, we have choices, chances, and opportunities to determine the fitting of our pieces, the putting together of our puzzles and since we are not divinely inspired or blessed with the gift of foresight, we tend to get it wrong much of the time.

then begins the painstaking process of trimming edges, pushing of pieces, trying to make things fit into spaces they were never meant to.. and we wonder why the pictures are never quite clear... or seem like something is missing. it's the result of misplaced puzzle pieces that we are trying to make conform to place in which we've put them... not realizing that while we might have a gorgeous Robert Kinkade in this frame, if we just let our pieces fall where they may, exist in the space in which they end up, we may have a Van Gogh, DaVinci, or Picasso... but we aren't patient like that, free like that.. we must put things where they're supposed to be so that we can display what others believe to be a "pretty picture"... after all, perception is reality..

and who doesn't want to be percieved as a perfectly placed puzzled picture hanging on display for everyone to see...

but then you're not... not really.

Anticipation of the View

it's been 18 months baby.

and while they don't come like they used to... hell, they hardly come at all... i wonder if you ever think that i still anticipate every text, every call that comes from you? do you realize that there's nothing more that i would like to see than my reflection in your eyes?

i laugh because there are those who think that i'm afraid of love... they think that i'm unwilling to compromise, scared of sacrifice... and what they don't realize is that i'm a walking crucifixion for your love.

see, i've witnessed manhood at it's best. and while not perfect, it was honest in its attempt and having beheld such rarity, a thing of real beauty, there's no other truth that I want to participate in or join myself to. and yes, i understand the challenge. i know what stands between us and i'm okay with it. what i'm going to do is "enjoy this view" and make the most of it. whatever little there is... i'm going to inhale and breathe it in and just be grateful that mercy and grace chose to let me experience it again..

someone said that i fill my time with men that don't measure up because i'm scared of love, but i would simply say that i don't bother with that which i know can never fill my cup because my soul still drinks your memory and those times still fulfill me... and i'm not wanting.. of anything but you. so, i choose to stand alone in this world with substitutes to pass my time away from you knowing that there's no way they could ever replace my Beauty & Truth. the very thing that keeps you from me is what makes me love you. so, i can't be angry, but rather admiring of your virtue.

and soon, i'll get the chance to show you that these words are living intentions in my soul. that our time together, while it may be short, will suffice even though it won't leave me whole. i'll enjoy it. like savoring the morsel of a man's last meal... i'll take my time with you. pause the passing of the sun and moon if possible. and i'll take a step closer to the edge... hold your hand.. and just enjoy the view.

And she's supposed to be special??

if her status is what you call special, let my ass stay ordinary in your eyes.

if special somehow requires that you keep me in the dark pretending to be something you're not, something you think i need, please keep that shit for her. because i don't need it. i'd rather have 20/20 vision and see you for exactly what you are and interact with you accordingly. instead, you've got her sitting around thinking that you're the main character in her fairytale, fake ass Cinderalla story, and i would rather have reality. because i know that you... are no Prince Charming.

see, some would think that you might be playing me and what you don't know is that you can't be played when you're running the game. and make no mistake, it is my game. i'm just teaching you how to play. it's an upgraded version of what you're used to, and that's okay boo... you'll get there. just don't expect me to put up with your bullshit as i teach you my rules. commitment and marriage are nowhere on my radar, and i know that you think everyone ought to desire those things from you, but game recognizes game, and you like too play to much for that shit..

so, i'll use you for what i know you're good at and leave the dreams for your other chicks who don't understand the person they are really dealing with... not to mention the heartache that will inevitably come with it. that shit, is for the birds or more adequately put, your young ass girls that be riding your jock. instead i'll take your sweet kisses and good cock and just call it a day.

now, having said that don't think that i don't care, but not for you more than myself. men like you taught me better than that a long time ago. when you recognize just what's in front of you, and deem it worthy of the respect it demands, then maybe... just maybe i'll give you a chance at something you can't even begin to fathom. but since i doubt that you even contain the capacity for something like that, i'll leave you where you're at. playing hopscotch, four square, and "simon says".. and watch as they hop, skip, and jump the way you tell them to...

and when i'm done being amused, i'll call your name and watch as you come to play in the big leagues...with me. and i'll watch as you falter in your first steps and misjudge your strategy trying to figure out just what this game is you're playing with me. but don't worry... i don't mean you any harm.. i won't call you special or make you think you're the only one playing. i'll keep it real as to your true status.. that way, you can't blame me later.

now that, just might be special.

Revolving Doors...

Have you ever looked up, come to your senses, and taken account of your surroundings only to find yourself right back where you started? Or in familiar territory surrounded by people that you could have sworn you left behind? or their doppleganger's at least?.. Like life has somehow trapped you in its revolving doors and you are unable to escape. You can't find the opening and you are watching the same storylines go 'round and 'round before your very eyes.

You can call it deja vu or whatever works best for you, but I would bet that there's a lesson you've yet to learn. And despite your attempts to move on, pretend as if you have mastered that skill, the universe knows better and attemps to save you from yourself by putting you right back in those situations. Sometimes with the same people, sometimes with those who you could swear were their twins in spirit and character... the question isn't what do you do to get out of it or why are you there? The only question that you should be asking yourself is what is it that I need to learn to make this thing work? To make it productive. To have a better resolution than the last time...

What is that thing? You can ask and it may not be clear at first... but usually, there's a hint of something familiar that you recognize in this situation and you should begin at that point of recognition to be careful of your moves. Because the slightest error in direction could keep you going in circles for weeks, if not months to come... trapped in revolving doors. Unable to progress or move forward into your destined state of happiness.

What's funny about this is that I find myself walking in circles as we speak... Looking through the glass of revolving doors and checking out the scenery and I swear I've seen it before. I believe that I have traveled these lands before, chartered these waters.. and I believe they almost drown me last time. So, I'm looking for a life preserver please. What is it that I can grasp in this moment of recognition that will somehow save me from repeating the mistakes of last time? The last time it was a travesty... a damn wreck. And that's not just my opinion, but of everyone around me who witnessed that trifling event. So, I have no desire to repeat that performance, but man, does it seem to be the exact same thing... wow. What the hell am I supposed to do differently?

Obviously, I have no idea, and there's no one here with divine inspiration to guide me... so, I'll just have to take it one step at a time. Resist the urges that come so naturally and remember that it's actions like those that have brought this situation back to me, and I'll proceed cautiously. After all, walking too fast in revolving doors is bound to make you dizzy. And I need to keep my wits about me.

So, while I normally end these blogs with some revelation or instruction on what I believe to be the resolution... it is not so in this case. Maybe my example will be that which teaches you what not to do... lol. If so, make sure you come back and share that same wisdom with me, because for now, I'm sitting here thinking of this thing and wondering just how to survive it, benefit from it, and not kill it while I'm waiting patiently for some kind of revelation. Maybe it will come or irony will amuse itself and keep it from me, either way... I'll walk in this revolving door and at least enjoy the scenery.

Obligation?... I'd Rather You Not.

Obligation

Did I hear that word correctly? Did you just say that the reason you spend time with me, go places with me, make time for me, is because you are obligated to? Did you really just classify me in the same category as paying your taxes, taking out the trash, and spending time with your in-laws?

How many of us have ever been made to feel or told that someone feels obligated to do what we oh so desire they would just want to? We wish with every fiber of our being that they would feel compelled, driven, urged from some force within them to simply do right by us. But the reality is that sometimes, and I hate to say it, most times, the very people that we are longing to receive this from simply just aren't capable of giving it to us. They are just not equipped. Now, you may be thinking that I'm wrong and that everyone can CHOOSE to do whatever they want. And I would argue differently. If you ask the addict, the hoarder, the person who has to turn the door knob 10 times in one different directions before entering or leaving every room of their house, and I promise you, they will not say those are things they would choose for themselves.

I wise man once told me, "you can't put into people what the good Lord left out", and I concur. When people don't have the desire to do right by you, love you the way you'd like, don't let that throw you. Don't feel yourself being put into the "obligation" category and lessen the measure of your worth. Recognize that it's a deficiency within them that is keeping them from realizing the fullness of what you have to offer and nothing lacking within you. Take a vacation from the obligation mindset, and walk in a freedom that says no matter what your motivation, I'm content with what you give me. Notice I didn't say grateful, because certain actions just don't qualify for gratitude.

It's like your children expecting to be rewarded for chores, making good grades, or simply obeying the rules. You're the children, dammit, that's what you're supposed to do! lol. Regard the adults in your life the same way. If you're the spouse, don't expect your significant other to oozing with thanks because you remembered your anniversary or her birthday. Hell, it's what you're supposed to do. lol. Step outside the box. Rise above the mediocre existence of the world of obligation if you can. And if you're the receiver in this situation or any other like it, and you see that no matter how many chances you give them, despite any amount of effort you put into them, if they are still unable to move past being "obligated" to you, determine if you're content with that. If you can be okay with living like the electric bill in someone's life, something they feel like they have to take care of or it will effect them negatively, and if so, stay. But if not, and you are ready for the wonderful world of voluntary association, a world where people choose to do things they aren't required to, a place that feels amazing, it may be time to reevaluate. Step into something new.

I strongly recommend it. But remember, you're not obligated to.

To the mothers... ALL the REAL mothers.

So, today's "Mother's Day".. the day when "lost" children go to church with their mommas, the women of the world who have brought life are taken to dinner, made breakfast in bed, and given presents to say "thank you" for their efforts. And while I myself called my own mother this morning, I wonder about the wanna-be mothers, the women who desire nothing more in their lives than the tug of a newborn nursing on their breast, the thump of a kick in their belly, and the unconditional love that fills the heart of a mother with the birth of their child. I find myself reflecting on the women who found themselves in circumstances that made the joy of childbirth impossible and they had to terminate the life within them. The ones whose bodies said, I can't do it, now is not the time. What about those women?

I know that many of you are thinking that this is an inappropriate post for Mother's Day, but I'm a mother and a woman, so I think I'll post whatever I want. Because maybe somewhere out there, some one esle is thinking this same thing. I find myself wishing we were a species that didn't require holidays to remind us to love and express that love to those around us. I'm thinking that we would enjoy life so much more.. now, the economists might not like this. After all, we wouldn't feel obligated between November and December 25th to go into debt and spend money we should be saving just to express the affection that we should be giving all year long. We wouldn't need roses at Valentine's Day to say "I love you", or golf clubs in June to say "thank you" to the men in our lives who accept and exceed in their roles as fathers.

And I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for Mother's Day and all the well wishes that I'm receiving today. What I am saying is that I know women who want nothing more than the joy, pain, and frustration I experience every day as a mother and it is a station in life they will never achieve. And to me, the birthing of a child is not what makes you worthy of praise on this day. It is the heart that matters. How many of us were raised by someone physical body had nothing to do with our birth? Aunties, neighbors, "mothers" of our churches.. they were there too. And their sacrifice is sometimes even more praiseworthy because they weren't obligated to you. There was something inside them that made them give when they didn't have to, be there when they could've been somewhere else, sacrifice themselves for us. Those are mothers.

The teacher whose classroom is filled with her "babies" - she's a mother. The woman whose womb is barren but her heart is filled with love for every child she lays her eyes on... she's a mother. Maybe not by definition, but by exception - by default - by what really counts. She is. I know this seems idealistic. The stuff that just isn't reality because we live in a world where people are defined by their titles and achievements, but I would like to believe that most of us LIVE differently. We regard those who have been there for us, touched us, and loved us no matter what as what they truly are - Family. We all have Aunt Ps, who are no blood relation, Ms. Shirleys, who had to be given the title as Godmother just so something worthy would apply, and Nannys, who live across the street and are always willing to give you their ear as well as a cup of sugar when needed. Those are the mothers. Along with the ones who birthed you, raised you, prayed over you as you slept, worried themselves sick that they weren't doing it right. They are all mothers. So, to you mothers... Happy Mother's Day!

Can You Believe Your Own Dreams...?

So this morning, I wake to the news that a friend and mentor, Bluz, has won another Emmy. So, I respond to the news in typical fashion, saying "Congrats! When I grow up I want to be like you!". His response: "You're already there." And the thing about hearing this is that as much as I want to hear it, long to believe it, there's the little nagging voice in me that says I dare not.

Because what if it doesn't happen? what if it's not true?

What if the masses are wrong and there's nothing that amazing out there for you? then what? do you dare to dream that dream, believe in the impossible, or rather, the improbable, and say yes, that right there... that good thing: it can happen... it is happening to me? Is that what you do?

I know the answer. You know the answer. It's without a doubt, unequivicolly, YES!

But man, that can be toughest part, can't it? Believing that what you do has value to someone and that it may that thing that sets you apart from everyone else. takes you to another level. i mean, did whitney, mariah, celene, denzel, meryl, julia, and the rest believe? did they know that they would have the thing that would catapult them into the greatest there has ever been in what they do? or did they sit back and say, I have no idea why they love it, but damn, i'm glad they do!

Now, am i comparing myself or even Bluz, with these people? no, not really. i'm just talking about the ability to believe that God is not playing the role of narcissist today. That He's not using our lives for his entertainment, dangling dreams and impossibilities as potential realities, only to remove them at the slightest sign of hope in their fruition. and i know some of you just cringed at my analogy of God, but when you have lived a life that seems to be full of just such ironies, you learn to put nothing past anyone.. not even God. sad, but true. And maybe that's why the dreams are breathed, maybe it's Him trying to give me something to believe. Maybe, just maybe He's trying to woo me... court me back... teach me that He hasn't left me at all and that these human failings that have devastated me were not of His design, but He allowed them to develop me. Ready me. for this... this improbability.

I don't know...but man, i sure do hope.

and soon... maybe I'll believe.

Can You Handle the Truth?

i'm not perfect, nor am i always perfectly honest, but damn if i don't try to be. and sometimes, the message comes out brutally, but wouldn't you rather have it that way than the alternative?

people will often say to me that the reason they like my work, or follow me online is because they know that what i'm saying is truth (honesty if you like) and they like that. my question is this... isn't that the way it's supposed to be? i'm not saying everyone should say everything the way i do.. because my ass rarely implements a filter even when i should. what i am saying is that everyone says they want truth.. they want honesty, but i wonder if that's true.

i mean, in your day to day dealings with people, do you really want truth? or just a mild version of honesty that resembles truth, imitates its essence, but still leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy? i think the latter is what most people are after because they can't really deal with reality when it is bare ass naked staring them in the face like stretch marks and pot bellies in your bedroom mirror. and what i'm saying is that we all have something that isn't attractive about us. that we don't want to look at or acknowledge is there, and if we were just honest about it, we would all feel a little better about exposing ourselves to each other. and this, might just lead to much better, more productive relationships.

now, some of you are thinking that this is wishful thinking.. something that could never happen, but i think that selfawareness and the willingness to share your faults is the best policy we could all have. then no one is disillusioned about what they are getting. for example, i have two daughters.. .so if any of you are expecting a woman with no stretch marks.. i need you to keep it pushing. i've resolved myself to their presence and call them love marks to make myself feel better. lol. same thing when it comes to weight, or fitness. i've had 4 knee surgeries with significant nerve damage. i attempt to keep it together, but know my limitations.. so shit is what it is. if you don't like it, keep stepping. lol. as long as the belly is pretty flat.. the rest is considered by me to be quite attractive.

anyway, i'm saying all of this to simply say... you say you want truth, but i wonder if many of you do. especially when it pertains to yourself. truth about someone else is often entertaining and makes you feel good because you can relate to it, but how many of you are willing to expose the truth about yourself? ask that.. and then get back to me.

i'm all for giving you answers... putting words on paper, and almost always it's as close to 100% truth as i can deliver, but the only warning that i have is this: don't come looking for it if you aren't ready to handle it. fair enough?

would you believe me?

would you believe me...

if i said that i believe that love is fleeting and hate lingers for an eternity?

what if i said that doubt and fear buy mortgages, purchase living space in the communities of your heart and spirit, while faith and motivation tend to be temporary tenants leasing space until there's no more real estate available and they are bought out?

i know that it seems negative, slightly pessimistic, but for most of us, i would say that this is a reality of how we feel most days. the only thing that changes the living arrangements in our hearts, ironically, are the thoughts existing in our mind. and if you have never tried it, let me tell you that changing the "inner dialogue" (to use a much overused & underdefined modern term) is a bitch. lol. for me the process of redirecting the information that 36 years on this earth has provided me into reaffirming positive reality is difficult. hell, sometimes i think i've got about as much chance of being successful in that as Eminem does in realizing his ass is white. #i'mjustsayin' (and i love Eminem)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that sometimes it's easier to believe that dreams don't come true and fairytales are only meant for the pages of books read to children before bedtime. because then there's no need to fear. you don't have to worry about when it's going to end, when the tide is going to turn, and the goodness that has finally seen fit to find you moves on to someone you are sure is more deserving.

now, don't confuse these words with low self -esteem because understand that i'm aware of my greatness... lol. (j/k sort of) i know the things in me that are good.. that are of value. this is a different type of thing happening here. some might call it insecurity or fear of failing, but the name doesn't matter. all i can tell you is that it's real. and it hurts like hell. the biggest challenge is not allowing it to keep you from pursuing what you know to be your destiny.

see, i heard it once said that fear either does one of two things: it either paralyzes or it motivates. and i'm determined to no longer be frozen, stuck in a time warp waiting for wedges w/ little fishing swimming in them to come back in style! instead, face the fear head on and deal with it as you can. sometimes, that will be peeking through your fingers like watching a scary movie, and other times it will be with guns blazing daring fear to accost you. only problem with the latter is that we tend to misfire hitting those things meant to protect or help us along the way.

so, what we need to do... or at least, what i know i need to do, is practice spitting the positive words in my mind like i'm preparing for the GrandSlam finals of LIFE until they become engraved in me and i can "GO IN" at a moment's notice... just when it's necessary and i need to draw upon them most. if i can manage to do that, and simply continue to walk through the doors that open, kick down the ones that don't, and make the most of the gifts God has given me, all will be well and eventually, love will linger like the sweet aroma of honeysuckles in spring and fear will dissipate with the realization of my fate - whatever was spoken into the universe long before my birth.

and that... i'm okay with.