Invisible Symptoms: Just Because You Don't See It, Doesn't Mean I'm Not Dealing With It

There are too many to name, but here's a few just to give you a point of reference:

Graves' Disease
Lupus
Hashimoto's Disease
Crohn's Disease
Fibromyalgia

All of these are autoimmune disease that can cause a variety of symptoms and cause the person living with the condition more challenges than most can imagine.  The thing about these diseases is that most often, you can't see them... you have no idea the person dealing with the every day issues even has anything wrong with them.  There is no cure and treatment varies in success.

I should know.  I have Graves' Disease.

It's in my biography. You can read a line or two about it in my EPK, but unless you know me or happen to catch a random post about it when I'm frustrated, you would never know it to look at me.  See, I'm blessed. To date, I've only suffered from the silent symptoms... the invisible things happening internally. Unless you're a doctor, you'll probably never notice when one side of my throat is enlarged (has a goiter) and is bigger than the other.  My dry eyes and sometimes hard time swallowing will go unnoticed.  Unless I point it out, you'll miss my shirt shaking from the heart palpitations.  The nights I'm up cleaning house or writing because sleep refuses to come for days or even weeks at a time, you'll attribute to my personal drive.  And the times when I can't keep my eyes open and falls asleep despite by best efforts because my body is crashing, you'll never witness.  Only my family and loved ones have witnessed all that.

I remember when they finally diagnosed me back in 2006.  I wasn't feeling well that day.  Nothing particular was wrong. I didn't have a fever, wasn't nauseous, or anything like that.  I just didn't feel well.  I had my girls, my niece, and a couple other children at my house so I called my doctor's office and left a message for the nurse to see what he wanted me to do.  They took too long to call back and for some reason, I felt like I should go to urgent care. I just knew something wasn't right. (Listen to your inner voice people.) Anyway, I went to urgent care and between checking in and sitting back in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, about an hour and a half had passed.  After all, I wasn't exhibiting any signs of distress or a medical emergency so they just put me in a room to wait.  The kids were getting hungry (it was about 7pm by this time) and the nurse practitioner came in.  She asked the same generic questions they always do while getting out her stethoscope to take a listen (again, like they always do). Everything was going as usual until she put the stethoscope over my abdomen (your aorta runs from your heat down behind where your belly button is) and she stopped speaking in mid sentence, turned to look back through my chart, and then turned to ask me if I'd ever had an ultrasound of my heart.  Huh? Did she just ask me about my heart? Yup.  She sure did.

I told her that I hadn't and asked why she was asking. She wouldn't answer and then asked if I minded if she went and got Dr. Lee (whom I knew very well) and I said "Why don't you do that?" Lol (Looking back I might have been a little rude right then... but she was asking about my heart so I feel I should get a pass.)

Anyway... Dr. Lee comes in asking about my recent weight loss, if I'd been working out, had less of an appetite, etc. All the while, he's listening to my chest/stomach and speaking like everything's okay. Then he asks if there's anyone else with me besides the kids or if any of them can drive. The answer to both of those questions was "no". He tells me that my resting heart rate is 136 and he wants me to drive across the street to the emergency room.  I tell him that I need to feed the kids first and he says I can't. Tells me to drive straight there, have my niece call my husband (I was married then), and he's calling ahead to tell them I'm coming so they can take me straight back.

And that... was the beginning.

At least now I had a name for it, a reason for the things everyone was judging me on.  You see, for months people had questioned me about my weight loss, my energy or fatigue (whichever they happened to notice).  My church had even made me step down from working with the youth because they thought I was addicted to the pain meds from knee surgery (which I wasn't). But the problem was they couldn't see my disease and my hands shaking/weight loss combination gave them enough evidence to pass judgment even though I feel like they should have known better.

And I was hurt.  Still am.  To this day I feel some kinda way for being taken away from my babies (the teens & youth I worked with) because we had/have a special bond and I didn't do anything wrong.  I was sick. I just didn't know it.  And to make it worse, the pastor's wife was a nurse.  How's that for ironic.

I'm sharing all of this not to point fingers or anything like that, but to say be careful when making assessments about people.  You have no idea what they're dealing with on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily basis.  There's no cure for these illnesses.  Doctors have no idea why we get them and are literally "practicing" medicine in their treatment of them.  Some things work well for certain people and not at all for others.  The autoimmune system is complex and once you get one disease, you are prone to get others which is scary when you know that MS and Parkinson's Disease are part of this group as well.

I choose to not let it rule my life.  I deal with it and keep living.  You only get one life after all, right?

I've included a few links below on Graves' and other autoimmune diseases.  Take a look if you're interested. If not, just remember that people deal with more than you could ever see and sometimes the silent symptoms aren't evidence that it's not physical.

(the video below is from a couple nights ago when my heart was palpitating... sometimes it beats fast and other times just hard enough to shake my shirt/lift objects on my stomach)

http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/autoimmune-diseases.cfm
http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/graves-disease.cfm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/graves-disease/DS00181

Julia... Stop acting out my life. Please.

Eat. Pray. Love. 
Runaway Bride. 

I swear this tall, skinny, white woman is living the life of this average height, curvy, biracial woman on screen and I wish she'd just stop it.  Well, not really. She's provided part of my therapy before I was in therapy so I guess I should be grateful. Isn't it ironic how skin color becomes irrelevant, age doesn't matter, and economic status doesn't play a factor when it comes to love and relationships? We base so much in this life on what we look like, do for a living, and where we think we're going, but in reality all of us want the same thing: 

To be happy. To be loved. To be happily in love. 

She'd traveled to 48 or 49 countries; had her passport stamped to prove she'd been somewhere and become worldly educated; only to find that people in every land, of every shape, color, and religion all wanted to know about love. 

How do we find it? How do we keep it? When should we leave it? When should we fight to hold on to it? 

We humans are quite pitiful, aren't we? Simple even. 

Then why do we make things so difficult? 
I would suggest that it's because our focus is misplaced.  We're looking, hunting... even when we say we're not, we're posting our "advertisements" of what we're doing for self so someone else will notice how "put together we are" and find us appealing.  What a conundrum we people are in these days... Especially the women. 

Bless our hearts. 

Let me only speak for myself. How's that? Before someone gets offended and starts saying I think I know all the answers.  I'll make myself the example, ok? 

As a woman, I've been taught to nurture... to edify, uplift, support - be the "help meet" for the man in my life.  And while I'm proud of those qualities... wouldn't trade them for the world, I also think they've been to my detriment because I tend to lose myself in "him". All the sudden, his tv shows become mine, I'm okay with his favorite restaurant, fixing his favorite dinners and desserts.  It's not because I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly aware of the working parts inside me... Probably more so than most people you know.  But it's because I've never taken the time to nurture me.  So if I don't matter to me, it's not an issue to put someone else before me. 

I know to some that may seem foreign, but I believe for more women than we would ever care to let you know, we suffer from this disease of "selflessness". See, what I'm learning now is that I am extreme.  I'm all in or all out. I'm black or white. And it's not working for me.  It's wearing me out.  It's making me want to run down the altar... leave my loves behind... board a plane and head to the other side of the world so I can Eat. Pray. Love. MYSELF.  Because I don't know how I like my eggs or I'm planning to hike on my honeymoon when I have no desire to leave my bedroom... and while these are movie references, you get my point. 

Balance.  

That's the resounded lesson I hear the Universe trying to teach me. Find the things that make me who I am. Recognize the extremes...not only where they take me, but why I let them and then make adjustments.  And if my love at the time is the extreme opposite, then allow him to provide balance as I bring him "center" but never losing me in the process.  Compromise is okay. Disappearing is something altogether different.  I can ride shotgun; give you the spotlight when appropriate; be your cheerleader in the background... as long as you know to do the same when the time comes because I deserve to shine as well. My dreams do not disappear in the pursuit of your goals and my likes do not dissipate because your wants differ.  I matter.  

To me... I matter. 

And what I'm finding is that when I place the focus on me... the happy comes a little easier. The love tends to follow suit because it sees the progress in me and wants to be a part of it.  It's funny that I once needed someone else to love me to let me know that I could and should be loved.  Now, I'm learning that I can love me and if no one else does, then they're missing out. I'm going to breathe anyway.  I'm going to find my joy in an entire pizza engulfed while sitting in my own Naples, Italy, my peace while meditating in the temple of my personal Indonesia, and my "balance of self" in the love I've found within me...and with him.  

I don't maintain every day.  Some days, I slip.  I overindulge and can't button my pants, fall asleep during meditation, or find myself standing on the beach unable to get in the boat.  But the other days... I learn to order my new life's menu in a tongue that was completely foreign to me a month ago... I find meditation over without realizing I've been in quiet contemplation for longer than planned and I meet him on the pier with my paddles ready to row for us.  I'm not perfect, but I'm learning what works for me and mastering how not to let the bad days get the best of me and send me backwards.  

My progress is too important.  It's how I managed to put away my track shoes, step outside my castle of protection where I felt safe locked away from love and what I thought was inevitable hurt, and take the risk again.  And I don't want to go back. 

Yes, there are days when running away is appealing... more attractive than meth to an addict, but I heard someone say this and it stuck with me:

'Yes, you're hurting.  Yes, you're in pain right now.  And if you don't do the drug (in my case, run backwards) the tunnel of darkness will end.  It may be a long, dark road, but eventually, the tunnel will end, the pain and hurt will lessen, and you'll see the light in front of you.  But if you do it... if you take that hit, shoot up... if you run, the hurt never goes away.  The pain stays forever.  You always walk in darkness.  There is no light. 

So for me... I'll continue on my journey.  Eating. Praying. Loving. and Learning along the way what works best for me.  Because a better me, gets a better man who loves me best. 

Dani

http://thisisdani.com
youtube.com/danithepoet
facebook.com/danithepoet
IG: @thisisdanicook
Twitter: @danithepoet 

Assumptions, Stereotypes, or Just the Plain Truth

I was recently criticized for a post I put on Instagram that compared men putting up pics of cars and cash to women posting pics of their tits and ass because I said that they both complain when they attract "hoes" who only want their money and "niggas" who only want to hit it and leave.  The problem was in my use of the word "hoe" in describing the women according to this particular female.  She felt as if I was degrading the women and regardless if they were degrading themselves, she said that I shouldn't.  Her statement was that I was judging them based on their pictures and women dressing sexually didn't make them promiscuous.  (And let me just say that I wasn't calling them hoes or the men niggas.. that's why the words were in quotes... because that's how they refer to each other in the pics)

Having said that, I'm not quite sure we're referring to the same thing... 
There's a difference between dressing in a provocative manner and posting pics that could make the cover of Penthouse.  There's such a thing as being sexy, tempting even, without being vulgar and displaying nudity.  

And I have this thought on it:
If you're a bird and you have wings, I'm going to assume you can fly.  Now, we all know that not every bird can fly, but the majority of the time, it's a safe and accurate assumption.  So, if you conduct yourself in a manner that appears "hoe-ish" in nature, I don't believe you have the right to be offended when I assume that to be true.  

For those who think I'm wrong or wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd like to address that for you.  When I first started writing and even now to some degree, there are those who think I'm a "man hater" and just blast men all the time, but I don't let that bother me.  I know that if someone actually reads a good portion of my work/posts, they'll know that's not the case and anyone who makes that assumption doesn't really know me.  While social media is an "outlet" and not necessarily the best tool to use when making an assessment about people, I do believe it's pretty much like everything else in life... whatever is most important to you, the way you think, believe, etc will show through more often than not.  You can't hide who you are.  That goes for the good and bad.

As for "judging" people... I have an issue with that word.  I don't think categorizing you or believing you to be who you show yourself to be is judgment.  I think it's smart.  Good prudence.  Judgment is when I determine your value or worth based on that assumption and that's not something I've done.  I haven't said that none of these people are good, have value, or could be relationship material.  That's not for me to say.  Now, there are those who believe a hoe and housewife don't go together, but that's not up to me to decide.  I can only judge if men who post nothing but cash and cars are good prospects for ME... not anyone else.  And it's my prerogative to do so because I can choose who's in my life or not for whatever reasons I deem appropriate.  So... back to the issue of whether I was wrong for making an assumption that a bird with wings can fly:

There's a reason stereotypes exist.  They may be racially, socially, or economically motivated, but for the most part, they are accurate.  That's how they become stereotypes, right?  We naturally associate technology and intelligence with Asians, religion and right-wing values with Republicans, "baby daddy" issues, dancing, and good cooking with Blacks, and the KKK with rednecks.  While there are definitely lots of people who don't fit into these stereotypes, they exist because there's a majority where they've been found to be true for a long period of time.  Don't get mad at me for speaking the truth.  I'm just sayin'.  

It would be wonderful to live in a world without prejudice, but I don't believe that to be the same thing as assessing who people demonstrate themselves to be and then making an assumption based on that information.  How else are we supposed to determine who people are? We have to go on our gut, our spirit, etc but we can't discount what we see with our own eyes because that'd be plain foolishness.  At least in my humble opinion.

So, if your profile pics, IG posts, and Twitter look like the twerkin' pic below... please expect and don't be offended when me (and others) assume you're a hoe.

A Different Place...

As I sit here almost a full here from the last time I blogged on this site, I'm a little in awe at the difference 10 months can make in a person's life.

While I'm still perfectly content in my singleness and nowhere close to ready for marriage, I find myself more willing to consider the possibility of letting someone love me.  Notice, I didn't say that I was open to loving because that's never quite been an issue for me.  That's why I've chosen the people that I have in the last 2 years to deal with... because they were never a threat.  How's does that sound?  Crazy, huh?

Let me see if I can explain it better and if any of you that this next paragraph applies to are reading this... let me apologize in advance because my intent is not to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest.  See, when you come out of a relationship that absolutely devastates you, shakes not just your belief in love, but the foundation of your spirituality, you do everything possible to not put yourself in the position to repeat that mistake.  So for the last two years, IF I decided to spend time with a guy, I specifically chose people that I knew I had no interest in long term.  Not that I didn't like them or didn't enjoy spending time with them, but because there was something about them (and this point varies depending on who we're speaking of) that prevented any real possibility of me falling in love and having a long term relationship with them.  And this worked... for a while.

But eventually... inevitably, when you're a real woman, a good woman, you get to the point where you either want something more or nothing at all because you can only have so much fun, casual conversation, and good sex.  Just keeping it real.

Now, what's interesting is that I'm not sure I'm up for something heavy or long term and I know that I'm still years away from even considering marriage again, but at least I'm open to the idea of a relationship which is a big step for me.  I've even gone out on a few dates with people that I thought were potential candidates for something to possibly develop... like, there was nothing obvious that I knew would put them in the "just for now" category.. lol.. And what I found is that I'm more disappointed than anything.  Because it seems no matter how open you try to be with them, how clear you are about what you do and don't like, will and won't take, and what games they don't need to play... they still don't get it right.  It's almost like they say that want you to be honest and upfront, but when you are, they can't handle it or don't know what to say to it.  And I frankly don't want to take the time to train or teach someone how to be a man with me.  I want someone who already knows.. which brings me back around to being completely content being single if that never comes along because I refuse to settle.

I did that once already.

And to be honest, I think men almost have too many options. I know a lot of beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are single.  So, for a guy... even if he's got the attention of one of us, there's the potential to entertain more of us and if he can without making a choice, why shouldn't he? Except that in the end, he's just as alone as the rest of us but who's really making decisions based on their reality 5-10years from now when it comes to dating and relationships? Not most of the guys I know.

So, here I sit... a single 38yr old mom of two daughters who most think should be on the hunt for someone before my clock runs out or menopause decides to hit and instead, I'm at home writing this blog and perfectly content... with me.

Don't get me wrong... if someone worthwhile comes along, I'm open to at least the possibility. ;)

Single & Happy - A Lesson For the Men

Over the recent months, I've had more and more men ask me "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?".  Then of course, there's the man who assumes that he understands me, knows my level of hurt, and that one day, when I'm ready, "the right man will come along and I'll be happy." And I swing back and forth on the pendulum of response to this going from laughter to downright anger, close to madness, in my need to react.

But instead of reacting, I think I'll take this time to respond... correct.. and hopefully, educate.

Believe it or not, happiness can be obtained in solitude.  Contentment can be found without constant companionship or the defining status of: In a Relationship

I know that is hard for some of you to grasp and your male egos think that we should have to NEED you, but hear me, believe me when I say that it is just not so.   And here's the important part to this... it's not because we're angry.  Our choice to be single is not because we've been so devastated that our belief in marriage is now bitter or our ability to trust shattered.  It's simply not what we want.  Now, I'm not sure why that's such a hard concept to grasp, but apparently it is.  So, in an effort to clarify, break it down for easy consumption let me explain it to you from my personal perspective and see if it makes any sense to you.

I believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage.  It is something sacred, precious, and amazing.  Now, I was raised in church and while there are many beliefs that I may now question or wonder about their simplicity, the role of men and women in relationships is not one of them.  Having said that, I need you to pay attention here and understand what I'm telling you. I believe that the man is the head of the house.  Yup, that's right.  I believe that the man should be the head of the house and be treated as such.  Now, men... don't think this means that you can expect the respect and submission this position deserves if you aren't leading appropriately. 

Here's the thing... (and yes, I'm going back to church on ya'll)

The word says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  We all know that Jesus loved the Church enough to sacrifice himself for it.  Men, when's the last time you left your woman feeling like you would die for her?  When's the last time you created an atmosphere that said to her "you come first" or "my wants will come after your needs"?  I've been telling men for years that the key to a woman is to make her feel safe.  Not just physically, but on all fronts.  You do that, and I promise submission will not be an issue.  A man must know to facilitate the balance between leading and letting.  See, women aren't to be treated as children or stepping stones.. they are to be respected, honored, and treasured.  There's a balance that must be obtained.

For example, everyone would probably agree that Michelle Obama, First Lady and attorney, is a strong woman.  I would even venture to say that she's "independent" in her thinking, but I don't think there's a soul that would say Barak doesn't lead that home.  Just like when they dance, she's secure in his steps, so she's comfortable letting him lead.  That's the balance of a perfect union.

Now, I know some of you men are saying that women today won't let you lead and that some of us are too independent.  And I would agree.  But I'm talking about what I would call "real" women.  A woman who understands the way this thing is designed to work... when this woman has a man who exhibits the qualities listed above, she naturally submits.  She falls into alignment with that which God designed and understands her role... her place.  And there's nothing demeaning in it.  There's no loss of self, no secondary level of respect, because he exalts her.  Maybe some of you think I'm old school.. old fashioned, etc.. and that's fine by me.  But I know strong women - amazing women who have their heads held high, accomplishing success on a variety of levels who are married to confident men, who aren't threatened by them, know how to appreciate them, support them in their endeavors, and put them in their place when needed.  That's how it should work people.

I also believe that men being the "head" of the house means that he comes before the children.  Now, before you mothers freak out.. listen to me.  If he's the man we have described above, there's no issue giving him this power, because he's the kind of man who will place them before himself just as he does you.  Make sense?  That's why we shouldn't just become joined to anyone.  In the right relationship, we are entrusting this man to lead our family and he must be worthy and capable of that responsibilty.. and not all of them are.

I said all of that to say this...

It's this belief system that keeps me single.  Puzzled are you?  Well, think about it.  It makes perfect sense.  Coming out of a 13yr marriage, I believe that it's my responsibilty to give my undivided attention to my daughters.  Make sure that they are okay with things the way they are.  I am focused on them, my career(s), and myself.  And because of that, I know that a relationship isn't for me.  I won't bring a man on the scene and have him detract from what they rightfully deserve and definitely need from me right now.  That wouldn't be fair to them, and I'm their mother above anything else.  At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to the man either.  He deserves the right to take his position in the relationship and if I know that I'm not willing to even entertain that right now, why should I waste his time with me?  Why not let him move on to another woman who desires a serious relationship or who is just dying to married??  Isn't that the responsible and respectful thing to do?

See, it's not bitterness that keeps from me single.  It's a choice to be conscious of what others need/desire and not involve myself with people who want more than I know I'm willing to give.  That doesn't make me a "scorned woman" "man-hater" or "bitter bitch".  It makes me intelligent, responsible, and grown.  I don't need a baby daddy. A sponsor holds no appeal for me.  The only people I want to be attached to until death do we part right now are my daughters and my family.  And believe it or not, they alone make me happy.  I am not lacking. 

So before you open your mouth, chat box, or message box and go to ask a woman why is she single... think about this and understand that it might just be exactly what she wants... and she's happy with it.

The Eye of the Beholder

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, may I cut your eyes out to look in my mirror?
because I rarely like what I see in my reflection...

it is funny that the skin i boast to feel so comfortable in
is also the source of my insecurities...
is it possible to feel confidently insecure?
an actual place of existence
something real that one can dwell in
or does the insecurity make the confidence
null and void?

see, i believe in a bipolar existence
a place of residence that is probably more real
than the four walls you call home...
because none of us are what we pretend 24/7
even Jesus had his waivering moment
while standing in the Garden of Eden

why do you expect anything different from me?

Why should compliments fall easy on my ears
like whispers of my beloved
when belief that i'm worthy of love
is at times a stretch of my imagination...
nothing more than an apparition
in the desert of my life?

Some hear these words as a quest for reassurance
an expedition of false modesty
seeking a confirmation of validity
but that simply isn't the case
more like an admission
a confessional truth to only be
whispered behind closed doors
because no one would believe them
if shouted from rooftops
and oh, how i feel like shouting

but what would that accomplish?
the vision i see staring back at me
would be the same
and i would still desire for hers to be a name
other than mine
and as long as i stand there
looking for her to be something
other than what she is
beauty will allude me,
disappointment will find me,
and insecurity will be a permanent
fixture in my reality

and while that may be true,
all i have to do is turn my face
from that vessel of vanity,
close my eyes and remember
that although it contains,
my skin is not me...
not the true souce of my beauty

it's my love of the Lord,
however troubled and complicated a relationship
that might be,
my willingness to be open and vulnerable before him
no matter what the masses may think of me...
it's my love of my daughters...
the thing that propels me
when i'm sure that i have nothing left to offer
in those things i see goodness,
and i can be proud,
raise my chin and look to the clouds
with no shame and no doubt...
because insecurities pale in the face of love
incase you didn't know.

so while it may sound like a double standard,
another Dani bipolar moment,
i think we all share a confidently insecure
view of ourselves at times...
and that's okay.
maybe beauty shouldn't be the thing
that we seek to behold when looking in the mirror
but a reflection of inner strength
that on our darkest days will keep us going
atleast, i'd like to think so...