We are a people of extremes.
I know I always have been. I love hard. Play hard. Hate hard.
At least I used to.
I loved the idea of things being black and white. If I was going to do something, I might as well "do it right". I was not a fan of "grey" in almost any context.
But now, I crave balance... some middle ground. Something that doesn't swing freely, sometimes uncontrollably, between 0 and 180 degrees. And this is what we need when it comes to self-love. We need balance.. A solid message that helps heal those like me who have no point of reference for nurturing or love in such a capacity... and also teaches patience and compassion to those who have taken self-love and equated it to selfishness because both of those extremes have us missing out on the best that we have to offer each other in relationships.
Now, I'm not talking just about romantic relationships although that's the main focus of this post. Intimacy isn't just about a romantic relationship. Our friendships, family relationships, etc are intimate or at least they should be. Intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability and extreme people don't do vulnerable well.
I should know...
There was a time when I was completely aware of the things going on in me that were keeping me from getting into relationships with people. I was fine with "surface" dealings because they meant I was "safe". And that feeling of being safe was more important than the risk of hurt just to experience love with another person. The way I looked at it, I've been loved. I've had great love with good men and I know what it feels like so there was no need risking someone performing an emotional act of genocide on my heart. No thank you. It simply wasn't necessary or remotely appealing to me.... Back then.
But there comes a time when someone becomes more important than the need to feel safe. And that's when you begin to come out of the castle. You lower the drawbridge, stop refilling the moat with piranhas, and put away the fire breathing dragon. BUT - this isn't when you take off all your armor and give folks free access to your delicate places. (Extreme) Because if you do this and get hurt, I promise your response is going to be extreme and often to retaliate and hurt them back. (For those who know me, you've seen this in action.) Hence the need for balance.
The key isn't to be a ride or die chick, a stand by your man no matter what he does woman. It's about compromise. Give and take. Putting in work and seeing your efforts matched by the other person. When these signs are present and the relationship is worth it, you keep working. You stay. You fight for it. And I promise that's not possible if your idea of self-love is selfish. Because it takes sacrifice. You WILL hurt. But the good must outweigh the bad by far and it will be worth it.
Too often we stay for people who aren't working with us, but continually against us and it's because we either don't have an understanding of our own value, lack adequate love for ourselves, or we're scared to be alone. For me, it was the middle one. I know my value. Hell, I can give you a laundry list of what I bring to the table as a person. But knowing you're valuable... understanding that there are things about you that are lovable... isn't the same as knowing you're worth loving. And knowing that someone should love you, doesn't mean you know how to love yourself. Some are lacking in a point of reference for this and with us, you will have to be patient. (Here's where balance will be essential.)
You can't give so much you become empty. The other person must be replenishing your supply. You must hold each other down. Think of it like playing on the teeter-totter on the playground as a kid. You can't leave them up or stay down too long or it's no fun... you won't be able to look each other in the eye, laugh, and enjoy the ride. You must push yourself off to bring them down and they must do the same for you. You have to account for the weight difference in each other knowing that it will require different things from each of you to accommodate the other - that's what makes each relationship unique. Don't ride with someone who isn't working with you. Take turns driving because being behind the wheel all the time is tiring and no one should be napping when you've been up for 20 hours and the life of your relationship depends on you staying awake. (Hopefully, ya'll are following my analogies. lol)
You can't be the lifeline of the relationship. Remember the lessons of our childhood and take turns. Share. Understanding that you'll have to do them in both the good and bad times. It doesn't make you weak or a fool - not if they're doing the same for you. It makes you smart enough to not walk away from something that has the potential to be everything. Love yourself enough to not deprive it of the best thing you could possibly have just because of pride or the opinions of others.
Hell, most of them are in a worse position and misery loves company.
If you haven't been paying attention or don't have a strong sense of discernment, you may have missed the shift in the universe, but we are living in a time where we need to figure out what's really important. It's time for us to heal, learn to nurture and love ourselves, find balance in how much we give to others, and not run from those who bring out the best in us. Being able to get to the extremes is essential and has its place, but having the extremes be the ONLY place you can reside is detrimental to the very things we want most: To Love and Be Loved.
I'm looking for balance... trying to be comfortable in the "grey"...
Join me.
You can't give so much you become empty. The other person must be replenishing your supply. You must hold each other down. Think of it like playing on the teeter-totter on the playground as a kid. You can't leave them up or stay down too long or it's no fun... you won't be able to look each other in the eye, laugh, and enjoy the ride. You must push yourself off to bring them down and they must do the same for you. You have to account for the weight difference in each other knowing that it will require different things from each of you to accommodate the other - that's what makes each relationship unique. Don't ride with someone who isn't working with you. Take turns driving because being behind the wheel all the time is tiring and no one should be napping when you've been up for 20 hours and the life of your relationship depends on you staying awake. (Hopefully, ya'll are following my analogies. lol)
You can't be the lifeline of the relationship. Remember the lessons of our childhood and take turns. Share. Understanding that you'll have to do them in both the good and bad times. It doesn't make you weak or a fool - not if they're doing the same for you. It makes you smart enough to not walk away from something that has the potential to be everything. Love yourself enough to not deprive it of the best thing you could possibly have just because of pride or the opinions of others.
Hell, most of them are in a worse position and misery loves company.
If you haven't been paying attention or don't have a strong sense of discernment, you may have missed the shift in the universe, but we are living in a time where we need to figure out what's really important. It's time for us to heal, learn to nurture and love ourselves, find balance in how much we give to others, and not run from those who bring out the best in us. Being able to get to the extremes is essential and has its place, but having the extremes be the ONLY place you can reside is detrimental to the very things we want most: To Love and Be Loved.
I'm looking for balance... trying to be comfortable in the "grey"...
Join me.
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