Single & Happy - A Lesson For the Men

Over the recent months, I've had more and more men ask me "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?".  Then of course, there's the man who assumes that he understands me, knows my level of hurt, and that one day, when I'm ready, "the right man will come along and I'll be happy." And I swing back and forth on the pendulum of response to this going from laughter to downright anger, close to madness, in my need to react.

But instead of reacting, I think I'll take this time to respond... correct.. and hopefully, educate.

Believe it or not, happiness can be obtained in solitude.  Contentment can be found without constant companionship or the defining status of: In a Relationship

I know that is hard for some of you to grasp and your male egos think that we should have to NEED you, but hear me, believe me when I say that it is just not so.   And here's the important part to this... it's not because we're angry.  Our choice to be single is not because we've been so devastated that our belief in marriage is now bitter or our ability to trust shattered.  It's simply not what we want.  Now, I'm not sure why that's such a hard concept to grasp, but apparently it is.  So, in an effort to clarify, break it down for easy consumption let me explain it to you from my personal perspective and see if it makes any sense to you.

I believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage.  It is something sacred, precious, and amazing.  Now, I was raised in church and while there are many beliefs that I may now question or wonder about their simplicity, the role of men and women in relationships is not one of them.  Having said that, I need you to pay attention here and understand what I'm telling you. I believe that the man is the head of the house.  Yup, that's right.  I believe that the man should be the head of the house and be treated as such.  Now, men... don't think this means that you can expect the respect and submission this position deserves if you aren't leading appropriately. 

Here's the thing... (and yes, I'm going back to church on ya'll)

The word says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  We all know that Jesus loved the Church enough to sacrifice himself for it.  Men, when's the last time you left your woman feeling like you would die for her?  When's the last time you created an atmosphere that said to her "you come first" or "my wants will come after your needs"?  I've been telling men for years that the key to a woman is to make her feel safe.  Not just physically, but on all fronts.  You do that, and I promise submission will not be an issue.  A man must know to facilitate the balance between leading and letting.  See, women aren't to be treated as children or stepping stones.. they are to be respected, honored, and treasured.  There's a balance that must be obtained.

For example, everyone would probably agree that Michelle Obama, First Lady and attorney, is a strong woman.  I would even venture to say that she's "independent" in her thinking, but I don't think there's a soul that would say Barak doesn't lead that home.  Just like when they dance, she's secure in his steps, so she's comfortable letting him lead.  That's the balance of a perfect union.

Now, I know some of you men are saying that women today won't let you lead and that some of us are too independent.  And I would agree.  But I'm talking about what I would call "real" women.  A woman who understands the way this thing is designed to work... when this woman has a man who exhibits the qualities listed above, she naturally submits.  She falls into alignment with that which God designed and understands her role... her place.  And there's nothing demeaning in it.  There's no loss of self, no secondary level of respect, because he exalts her.  Maybe some of you think I'm old school.. old fashioned, etc.. and that's fine by me.  But I know strong women - amazing women who have their heads held high, accomplishing success on a variety of levels who are married to confident men, who aren't threatened by them, know how to appreciate them, support them in their endeavors, and put them in their place when needed.  That's how it should work people.

I also believe that men being the "head" of the house means that he comes before the children.  Now, before you mothers freak out.. listen to me.  If he's the man we have described above, there's no issue giving him this power, because he's the kind of man who will place them before himself just as he does you.  Make sense?  That's why we shouldn't just become joined to anyone.  In the right relationship, we are entrusting this man to lead our family and he must be worthy and capable of that responsibilty.. and not all of them are.

I said all of that to say this...

It's this belief system that keeps me single.  Puzzled are you?  Well, think about it.  It makes perfect sense.  Coming out of a 13yr marriage, I believe that it's my responsibilty to give my undivided attention to my daughters.  Make sure that they are okay with things the way they are.  I am focused on them, my career(s), and myself.  And because of that, I know that a relationship isn't for me.  I won't bring a man on the scene and have him detract from what they rightfully deserve and definitely need from me right now.  That wouldn't be fair to them, and I'm their mother above anything else.  At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to the man either.  He deserves the right to take his position in the relationship and if I know that I'm not willing to even entertain that right now, why should I waste his time with me?  Why not let him move on to another woman who desires a serious relationship or who is just dying to married??  Isn't that the responsible and respectful thing to do?

See, it's not bitterness that keeps from me single.  It's a choice to be conscious of what others need/desire and not involve myself with people who want more than I know I'm willing to give.  That doesn't make me a "scorned woman" "man-hater" or "bitter bitch".  It makes me intelligent, responsible, and grown.  I don't need a baby daddy. A sponsor holds no appeal for me.  The only people I want to be attached to until death do we part right now are my daughters and my family.  And believe it or not, they alone make me happy.  I am not lacking. 

So before you open your mouth, chat box, or message box and go to ask a woman why is she single... think about this and understand that it might just be exactly what she wants... and she's happy with it.

Confrontation

it's not confrontation when done with conviction...because it's necessary for the resurrection of my soul. so, don't call me dramatic. i am not the conjurer of conflict, but simply taking the necessary steps to survive it.

and i'm not asking you to approve, nor do i expect you to like it. you don't have to grin and bear it, but it's going to happen anyway. so, you might as well determine to come out smiling: i have.

:)

that's right.

i'm finally on the road to recovery and although the pain is deep rooted and i can still feel the cut of betrayal, indignation at the trespassing onto my private property, i'm getting better. i'm taking it one step at a time and watching myself blaze trails where few have dared to travel.

how about that?

innocence may have been lost, trust dissolved, and fears instilled, but someone once told me that courage is not the absence of fear, but action taken in the midst of it's presence. So, call me the Cowardly Lion and hear me roar... because i refuse to let the snare of the enemy hold me hostage anymore.

now, some would say that God is not in the midst of what i currently do because my feet have long since crossed a church threshold, but i know that "church" resides in my communion with Him and that takes place in my spirit and in my soul. so, take a look at that plank reflected in your own mirror and leave my salvation to the only One who determines it... and i won't judge you either.

wouldn't that be something? if acceptance could be obtained without the need for approval... if you could not just love, but respect me anyway even if you don't agree with it... now, that would be an accomplishment.

if what the devil meant for bad, really turned out to be used for good... (i think i've heard that somewhere before) and yes, i'm smiling. see, i haven't turned my back on God, it's just hard for me to look Him in the eye sometimes. i've always been special to Him, and He knows that i know He didn't do it, but it still hurts...

so, He just holds the back of my bicycle seat and lets me think that i'm doing it all myself. that's why i still love Him. He finds amusement at my so-called independence of Him when all the while, He's still guiding my direction. He even pretends not to see me look back to make sure He hasn't let go yet... so, don't tell me i don't have a relationship. it's just different than yours.

and that's the entire point that i'm trying to make. so what i do and say isn't exactly "politically correct" or "socially acceptable"... am i supposed to be discouraged by that? if nothing else, your cries of indignation only serve as confirmation that i'm doing just what needs to be done. so, as i've said before, you'll get no apologies from me. sorry just can't leave my lips. because if trying to find my healing and peace is somehow offensive to you, if my true intentions somehow don't penetrate your wall of anger or confusion, i can't help you.

in the meantime, i've got to continue calling a spade a spade, telling the Undiluted Truth, and praying for the strength to do it without the expectation of affirmation from anyone.

i think Someone incredibly wise once said... "and the Truth, shall set you free.."

i'm just trying to spread my wings...

The Eye of the Beholder

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, may I cut your eyes out to look in my mirror?
because I rarely like what I see in my reflection...

it is funny that the skin i boast to feel so comfortable in
is also the source of my insecurities...
is it possible to feel confidently insecure?
an actual place of existence
something real that one can dwell in
or does the insecurity make the confidence
null and void?

see, i believe in a bipolar existence
a place of residence that is probably more real
than the four walls you call home...
because none of us are what we pretend 24/7
even Jesus had his waivering moment
while standing in the Garden of Eden

why do you expect anything different from me?

Why should compliments fall easy on my ears
like whispers of my beloved
when belief that i'm worthy of love
is at times a stretch of my imagination...
nothing more than an apparition
in the desert of my life?

Some hear these words as a quest for reassurance
an expedition of false modesty
seeking a confirmation of validity
but that simply isn't the case
more like an admission
a confessional truth to only be
whispered behind closed doors
because no one would believe them
if shouted from rooftops
and oh, how i feel like shouting

but what would that accomplish?
the vision i see staring back at me
would be the same
and i would still desire for hers to be a name
other than mine
and as long as i stand there
looking for her to be something
other than what she is
beauty will allude me,
disappointment will find me,
and insecurity will be a permanent
fixture in my reality

and while that may be true,
all i have to do is turn my face
from that vessel of vanity,
close my eyes and remember
that although it contains,
my skin is not me...
not the true souce of my beauty

it's my love of the Lord,
however troubled and complicated a relationship
that might be,
my willingness to be open and vulnerable before him
no matter what the masses may think of me...
it's my love of my daughters...
the thing that propels me
when i'm sure that i have nothing left to offer
in those things i see goodness,
and i can be proud,
raise my chin and look to the clouds
with no shame and no doubt...
because insecurities pale in the face of love
incase you didn't know.

so while it may sound like a double standard,
another Dani bipolar moment,
i think we all share a confidently insecure
view of ourselves at times...
and that's okay.
maybe beauty shouldn't be the thing
that we seek to behold when looking in the mirror
but a reflection of inner strength
that on our darkest days will keep us going
atleast, i'd like to think so...

When What You Love Becomes Work...

We all spend time wishing that we could do what we love for a living, and I've often wondered if we should be careful what we wish for. I mean, think about it. When what you love because your work, doesn't that change it for you? Don't you sometimes, not always, but sometimes get bogged down by the normalcy of it? the expectancy of it? the responsibility of it?

It doesn't mean that we don't still love it, but I wonder if it manages to take some of the joy out of it? Just a thought.

I know that for me, I love writing. I love picking up the pen, or putting my fingers on the keys, and just letting my thoughts out onto the page. The only problem with that is now that so many people are reading those thoughts, it leaves me open for judgment, criticism, and what others think should be appropriate censorship. And that's not what I want. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if you judge or criticize even, but don't think that just because you are doing that, that I'm all of the sudden going to censor my thoughts or not put them into writing.

See, I have this crazy mindset that says, if I'm already thinking it, God already knows it, and since He determines my destiny, why should I care what you think? Now, someone recently pointed out to me that just because I think it, doesn't mean I should say it. And my response to that is: believe it or not, I don't. The stuff that you hear me say or read from my page, is actually the watered down version much of the time. And that should probably scare you...lol.

But the reason I say the things I do, is because I honestly believe that if people were more honest about their thoughts, their past, and their failings, we would be people less judgmental and more accepting of each others faults. There wouldn't be the need to pretend so much. We wouldn't carry around this fear of what others will think about us, because we would understand that everyone has those thoughts even if they aren't brave enough to speak them. But that's just me. You might not agree. And while we may differ, I can respect that opinion.

Now, 2 years ago, when I first began to write, none of this would have ever crossed my mind. But now, that what I love has become work for me... I have to. People give thought to what they read and now I'm put in the precarious position of deciding how I choose to handle that. Do I do what others have suggested and conform? Do I start to "be careful" because I now have "an image" and worry about what people will say or think about me?

For those of you who know me, you know that this is likely NOT going to happen. I've spent too many years worrying about what people think and trying to be what other people thought I should. And I've determined to not do it anymore. So, what I have to count on is people being honest and real with themselves, if with nobody else. Because then, they will appreciate me. Support me. And understand my position and where I'm coming from. At least that's my hope. That whether people or agree or not, they can respect and appreciate realness when they hear it. And if they do that, I won't have to worry about image or being "politically or socially correct" because I'll be being honest - and that's what they will love.

Whatever it is that you love, if you are now blessed enough to do it for work, the only thing that I can say to you is stay true to the purpose and feeling that caused you to begin that work. Don't let the expectations of others or the success of your endeavors change you or what you do. Stay true to what has made you successful and people will continue to love and support you. And then, you can still find pleasure in the details, pride in the outcome, and joy in the process of getting it done... even when what you love becomes work.

Baby Mama Drama... Really?

I hear soooo many men these days complaining about women who are putting them on child support and how we women should just sit back and let you all take care of your children the best way you can...

I hear you all talk about the women who withhold visitation because they're angry with you, trying to manipulate you, and all you can say is "if these women would just let us, we would do what we're supposed to as men." In other words, we women just won't "let" you be men, and frankly, I'm sick of that bullshit. How can men, real men, blame a woman for their failings... for not doing what they know is their responsibility or position to play? Really? How weak is that? You're not leading because we're not following? You're not providing because we're pursuing our own opportunities? You're not spending time with your children because you don't want to see us? Get the fuck outta here... It's excuses and I'm sure I speak for many women who are just tired of hearing them.

Because truth be told, when you get a woman who doesn't call you, ,nag you, "hound" you for the monetary support you should be seeking to provide for your children, we don't hear from you. Hell, you might as well be living in some other country for the amount of communication we get from you. But let us pick up the phone... let us ask one time when and how much you plan on sending for your children, and you have the nerve to get belligerent... seriously? As if we don't have a right to question you about providing for our children... it sickens me... how just because we aren't together means that this shit has to be trifling.. .when really, the babies should come first. It should have nothing to do with you or me. Why can't it be that easy?

And before those "good dads" out there get all riled up and pissed behind what I'm saying... let me just say that if this shit does not apply to you... don't take it personally. Because I'm on the other end of the stick.. never calling or asking for shit. Bringing the children more than halfway to ensure that you give them some type of visitation, but getting very little in return. And if men are honest, I would say that my situation is more the majority than not. It's this mindset that is effecting the core of our families...

How does my independence have anything to do with your ability to be a man? Why does my success mean that you should provide less than the minimum the government requires? If you were thinking about the children instead of your animosity towards me, you would realize it's them your hurting... not me. And they won't forget. It will mold them into the women they are to be and that's what I fear most. That somehow, you're lack of fathering will negatively impact their ability to trust and believe in men... because we as women were made to compliment you. And if we continue down the path we're on now, the family structure will continue to lessen with each and every generation... and that's sad.

So, before we keep talking about "baby mama drama", consider how we women feel about "sorry ass baby daddies", and let's make an effort to get this shit right. Why should our parental relationships be defined by such titles? This could not have been our plan, our agenda, when their arrival took place on this earth... so, why not give them the consideration that they deserve? I will tell women to not use their children as pawns... give that man a chance to play the role he has earned... and in the meantime, you men, step up to the plate. Show up for visitation and don't be late. Be fathers and daddies so there's no distinction in the terminology and all your children will know is "mine was there for me"... that should be our aim.

This is the lives of our children... not a game.

Half Baked

Like bodies lying on sandy beaches around the world, most of us find our dreams half baked... but then again, aren't many of our ideals, almost all of our perceptions, concepts, and expectations of what life ought to be for us? half baked. a little "undercooked". something that needed a little more time to become what it should be... yep, that's us.

and then we wonder why things leave a bad taste in our mouths... it's because we are living life consuming things that aren't completely ready for us or attempting to handle situations we aren't quite ready for. just running through life... half baked.

we apply our half baked theories to our relationships and then wonder why the appetizers are a little too hot, the salad has too much dressing, our meat is a little too chewy for our liking and we ended up watching it bleed... it's because it's half baked. we've began consumption too soon.. when it just looked pretty.. like it "should be done" and we didn't check the internal temperature to make sure that the substance it was cooked all the way through and not harmful to us..

it's why disappointed dreams hurt so much... they almost make us sick. half baked poisoning... lol. something like that. you know what i mean at least. it's believing in half truths when we know that honesty doesn't exist in the people we are dealing with, but we are in love with the idea of who they are going to be to us so we keep half thinking that somehow they will change who they are and manage to become fully the ideal that we've been half dreaming all our lives. no wonder we stay nauseous...

and then.. when we ought to throw it out.. get rid of that which has made us sick, we hold onto it. leave it in the fridge or microwave... thinking that maybe with time it will somehow become the meal of life's menu for us. we keep them around... as if looking at them will somehow make them edible. knowing that it's really spoiling inside... crossing the boundary from half baked to completely rotten and worthy of only one thing, the trash.

and again, here comes our half baked ideals thinking that maybe the milk will become yogurt or even cottage cheese.. or hopefully like grapes, eventually they will become wine worthy and we will be able to lose ourselves in the inebriation of it's consumption... but nine times out of ten we know that this is not realistic. we don't have the patience or nurturing that it would take for that and even if we did, would we want it that way? do we want it when it's ugly, smells bad, or something we have to "acquire a taste for" ?? no, we want it pretty, pleasing to our senses, and absolutely delicious at the first bite...

a half baked idea of how things usually happens...

when will we learn better? to cook our meals or wait for them to rot and become something different which is probably better for us than the original, but definitely not what we first wanted... we probably won't. we're the microwave generation.. we want it simple, edible, and we want it quick... often not leaving time for anything to marinate, generate a special taste.. instead it ends up like ravioli or ramen... individually packaged, easily prepared, tasting bland and like everything else.

that's what we half baked people get: wanting 5 star meals from our drive thru windows...

why don't we just take time to cook??

Puzzled Pictures...

i wish somehow that my pieces really fit into the perfect puzzle picture framed and hanging on my life's door that everyone seems to see and keep admiring...

a beautiful picture that has been hung for visual entertainment... something for your eyes to rest upon and provide an illusion of "put-together-ness"... a pretty picture display that without hesitation or deeper investigation, you turn your head and look away. completely unaware that the puzzle is not complete or anywhere close to accurate.

the pieces have been forced together, and glued into position so that the image before you is what it should be. but in reality, if you look closer, you will see the edges don't quite touch and there's space where none should be. but only if you step closer... really want to see what lies beneath the image hanging in front of you.. will you find these small but wide imperfections.
tracing the branches of the trees only to find flowers at the ends instead of leaves, oceans bleeding red instead of glorious blue seas, but you think that i'm just trying to be artistic in my expression, not realizing that it's painful dysmemberment that you are witnessing...

please look beyond the frame, through the glass, and see the puzzle that lies beneath.
i know that it won't be quite as endearing or sweet, but it will be truth. because as much as we would like to think that life just "goes together" and things are just "meant to be", i would say that things rarely happen as they are destined or how God designed them to. see, we have choices, chances, and opportunities to determine the fitting of our pieces, the putting together of our puzzles and since we are not divinely inspired or blessed with the gift of foresight, we tend to get it wrong much of the time.

then begins the painstaking process of trimming edges, pushing of pieces, trying to make things fit into spaces they were never meant to.. and we wonder why the pictures are never quite clear... or seem like something is missing. it's the result of misplaced puzzle pieces that we are trying to make conform to place in which we've put them... not realizing that while we might have a gorgeous Robert Kinkade in this frame, if we just let our pieces fall where they may, exist in the space in which they end up, we may have a Van Gogh, DaVinci, or Picasso... but we aren't patient like that, free like that.. we must put things where they're supposed to be so that we can display what others believe to be a "pretty picture"... after all, perception is reality..

and who doesn't want to be percieved as a perfectly placed puzzled picture hanging on display for everyone to see...

but then you're not... not really.

Anticipation of the View

it's been 18 months baby.

and while they don't come like they used to... hell, they hardly come at all... i wonder if you ever think that i still anticipate every text, every call that comes from you? do you realize that there's nothing more that i would like to see than my reflection in your eyes?

i laugh because there are those who think that i'm afraid of love... they think that i'm unwilling to compromise, scared of sacrifice... and what they don't realize is that i'm a walking crucifixion for your love.

see, i've witnessed manhood at it's best. and while not perfect, it was honest in its attempt and having beheld such rarity, a thing of real beauty, there's no other truth that I want to participate in or join myself to. and yes, i understand the challenge. i know what stands between us and i'm okay with it. what i'm going to do is "enjoy this view" and make the most of it. whatever little there is... i'm going to inhale and breathe it in and just be grateful that mercy and grace chose to let me experience it again..

someone said that i fill my time with men that don't measure up because i'm scared of love, but i would simply say that i don't bother with that which i know can never fill my cup because my soul still drinks your memory and those times still fulfill me... and i'm not wanting.. of anything but you. so, i choose to stand alone in this world with substitutes to pass my time away from you knowing that there's no way they could ever replace my Beauty & Truth. the very thing that keeps you from me is what makes me love you. so, i can't be angry, but rather admiring of your virtue.

and soon, i'll get the chance to show you that these words are living intentions in my soul. that our time together, while it may be short, will suffice even though it won't leave me whole. i'll enjoy it. like savoring the morsel of a man's last meal... i'll take my time with you. pause the passing of the sun and moon if possible. and i'll take a step closer to the edge... hold your hand.. and just enjoy the view.

And she's supposed to be special??

if her status is what you call special, let my ass stay ordinary in your eyes.

if special somehow requires that you keep me in the dark pretending to be something you're not, something you think i need, please keep that shit for her. because i don't need it. i'd rather have 20/20 vision and see you for exactly what you are and interact with you accordingly. instead, you've got her sitting around thinking that you're the main character in her fairytale, fake ass Cinderalla story, and i would rather have reality. because i know that you... are no Prince Charming.

see, some would think that you might be playing me and what you don't know is that you can't be played when you're running the game. and make no mistake, it is my game. i'm just teaching you how to play. it's an upgraded version of what you're used to, and that's okay boo... you'll get there. just don't expect me to put up with your bullshit as i teach you my rules. commitment and marriage are nowhere on my radar, and i know that you think everyone ought to desire those things from you, but game recognizes game, and you like too play to much for that shit..

so, i'll use you for what i know you're good at and leave the dreams for your other chicks who don't understand the person they are really dealing with... not to mention the heartache that will inevitably come with it. that shit, is for the birds or more adequately put, your young ass girls that be riding your jock. instead i'll take your sweet kisses and good cock and just call it a day.

now, having said that don't think that i don't care, but not for you more than myself. men like you taught me better than that a long time ago. when you recognize just what's in front of you, and deem it worthy of the respect it demands, then maybe... just maybe i'll give you a chance at something you can't even begin to fathom. but since i doubt that you even contain the capacity for something like that, i'll leave you where you're at. playing hopscotch, four square, and "simon says".. and watch as they hop, skip, and jump the way you tell them to...

and when i'm done being amused, i'll call your name and watch as you come to play in the big leagues...with me. and i'll watch as you falter in your first steps and misjudge your strategy trying to figure out just what this game is you're playing with me. but don't worry... i don't mean you any harm.. i won't call you special or make you think you're the only one playing. i'll keep it real as to your true status.. that way, you can't blame me later.

now that, just might be special.

Revolving Doors...

Have you ever looked up, come to your senses, and taken account of your surroundings only to find yourself right back where you started? Or in familiar territory surrounded by people that you could have sworn you left behind? or their doppleganger's at least?.. Like life has somehow trapped you in its revolving doors and you are unable to escape. You can't find the opening and you are watching the same storylines go 'round and 'round before your very eyes.

You can call it deja vu or whatever works best for you, but I would bet that there's a lesson you've yet to learn. And despite your attempts to move on, pretend as if you have mastered that skill, the universe knows better and attemps to save you from yourself by putting you right back in those situations. Sometimes with the same people, sometimes with those who you could swear were their twins in spirit and character... the question isn't what do you do to get out of it or why are you there? The only question that you should be asking yourself is what is it that I need to learn to make this thing work? To make it productive. To have a better resolution than the last time...

What is that thing? You can ask and it may not be clear at first... but usually, there's a hint of something familiar that you recognize in this situation and you should begin at that point of recognition to be careful of your moves. Because the slightest error in direction could keep you going in circles for weeks, if not months to come... trapped in revolving doors. Unable to progress or move forward into your destined state of happiness.

What's funny about this is that I find myself walking in circles as we speak... Looking through the glass of revolving doors and checking out the scenery and I swear I've seen it before. I believe that I have traveled these lands before, chartered these waters.. and I believe they almost drown me last time. So, I'm looking for a life preserver please. What is it that I can grasp in this moment of recognition that will somehow save me from repeating the mistakes of last time? The last time it was a travesty... a damn wreck. And that's not just my opinion, but of everyone around me who witnessed that trifling event. So, I have no desire to repeat that performance, but man, does it seem to be the exact same thing... wow. What the hell am I supposed to do differently?

Obviously, I have no idea, and there's no one here with divine inspiration to guide me... so, I'll just have to take it one step at a time. Resist the urges that come so naturally and remember that it's actions like those that have brought this situation back to me, and I'll proceed cautiously. After all, walking too fast in revolving doors is bound to make you dizzy. And I need to keep my wits about me.

So, while I normally end these blogs with some revelation or instruction on what I believe to be the resolution... it is not so in this case. Maybe my example will be that which teaches you what not to do... lol. If so, make sure you come back and share that same wisdom with me, because for now, I'm sitting here thinking of this thing and wondering just how to survive it, benefit from it, and not kill it while I'm waiting patiently for some kind of revelation. Maybe it will come or irony will amuse itself and keep it from me, either way... I'll walk in this revolving door and at least enjoy the scenery.

Obligation?... I'd Rather You Not.

Obligation

Did I hear that word correctly? Did you just say that the reason you spend time with me, go places with me, make time for me, is because you are obligated to? Did you really just classify me in the same category as paying your taxes, taking out the trash, and spending time with your in-laws?

How many of us have ever been made to feel or told that someone feels obligated to do what we oh so desire they would just want to? We wish with every fiber of our being that they would feel compelled, driven, urged from some force within them to simply do right by us. But the reality is that sometimes, and I hate to say it, most times, the very people that we are longing to receive this from simply just aren't capable of giving it to us. They are just not equipped. Now, you may be thinking that I'm wrong and that everyone can CHOOSE to do whatever they want. And I would argue differently. If you ask the addict, the hoarder, the person who has to turn the door knob 10 times in one different directions before entering or leaving every room of their house, and I promise you, they will not say those are things they would choose for themselves.

I wise man once told me, "you can't put into people what the good Lord left out", and I concur. When people don't have the desire to do right by you, love you the way you'd like, don't let that throw you. Don't feel yourself being put into the "obligation" category and lessen the measure of your worth. Recognize that it's a deficiency within them that is keeping them from realizing the fullness of what you have to offer and nothing lacking within you. Take a vacation from the obligation mindset, and walk in a freedom that says no matter what your motivation, I'm content with what you give me. Notice I didn't say grateful, because certain actions just don't qualify for gratitude.

It's like your children expecting to be rewarded for chores, making good grades, or simply obeying the rules. You're the children, dammit, that's what you're supposed to do! lol. Regard the adults in your life the same way. If you're the spouse, don't expect your significant other to oozing with thanks because you remembered your anniversary or her birthday. Hell, it's what you're supposed to do. lol. Step outside the box. Rise above the mediocre existence of the world of obligation if you can. And if you're the receiver in this situation or any other like it, and you see that no matter how many chances you give them, despite any amount of effort you put into them, if they are still unable to move past being "obligated" to you, determine if you're content with that. If you can be okay with living like the electric bill in someone's life, something they feel like they have to take care of or it will effect them negatively, and if so, stay. But if not, and you are ready for the wonderful world of voluntary association, a world where people choose to do things they aren't required to, a place that feels amazing, it may be time to reevaluate. Step into something new.

I strongly recommend it. But remember, you're not obligated to.

To the mothers... ALL the REAL mothers.

So, today's "Mother's Day".. the day when "lost" children go to church with their mommas, the women of the world who have brought life are taken to dinner, made breakfast in bed, and given presents to say "thank you" for their efforts. And while I myself called my own mother this morning, I wonder about the wanna-be mothers, the women who desire nothing more in their lives than the tug of a newborn nursing on their breast, the thump of a kick in their belly, and the unconditional love that fills the heart of a mother with the birth of their child. I find myself reflecting on the women who found themselves in circumstances that made the joy of childbirth impossible and they had to terminate the life within them. The ones whose bodies said, I can't do it, now is not the time. What about those women?

I know that many of you are thinking that this is an inappropriate post for Mother's Day, but I'm a mother and a woman, so I think I'll post whatever I want. Because maybe somewhere out there, some one esle is thinking this same thing. I find myself wishing we were a species that didn't require holidays to remind us to love and express that love to those around us. I'm thinking that we would enjoy life so much more.. now, the economists might not like this. After all, we wouldn't feel obligated between November and December 25th to go into debt and spend money we should be saving just to express the affection that we should be giving all year long. We wouldn't need roses at Valentine's Day to say "I love you", or golf clubs in June to say "thank you" to the men in our lives who accept and exceed in their roles as fathers.

And I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for Mother's Day and all the well wishes that I'm receiving today. What I am saying is that I know women who want nothing more than the joy, pain, and frustration I experience every day as a mother and it is a station in life they will never achieve. And to me, the birthing of a child is not what makes you worthy of praise on this day. It is the heart that matters. How many of us were raised by someone physical body had nothing to do with our birth? Aunties, neighbors, "mothers" of our churches.. they were there too. And their sacrifice is sometimes even more praiseworthy because they weren't obligated to you. There was something inside them that made them give when they didn't have to, be there when they could've been somewhere else, sacrifice themselves for us. Those are mothers.

The teacher whose classroom is filled with her "babies" - she's a mother. The woman whose womb is barren but her heart is filled with love for every child she lays her eyes on... she's a mother. Maybe not by definition, but by exception - by default - by what really counts. She is. I know this seems idealistic. The stuff that just isn't reality because we live in a world where people are defined by their titles and achievements, but I would like to believe that most of us LIVE differently. We regard those who have been there for us, touched us, and loved us no matter what as what they truly are - Family. We all have Aunt Ps, who are no blood relation, Ms. Shirleys, who had to be given the title as Godmother just so something worthy would apply, and Nannys, who live across the street and are always willing to give you their ear as well as a cup of sugar when needed. Those are the mothers. Along with the ones who birthed you, raised you, prayed over you as you slept, worried themselves sick that they weren't doing it right. They are all mothers. So, to you mothers... Happy Mother's Day!

Can You Believe Your Own Dreams...?

So this morning, I wake to the news that a friend and mentor, Bluz, has won another Emmy. So, I respond to the news in typical fashion, saying "Congrats! When I grow up I want to be like you!". His response: "You're already there." And the thing about hearing this is that as much as I want to hear it, long to believe it, there's the little nagging voice in me that says I dare not.

Because what if it doesn't happen? what if it's not true?

What if the masses are wrong and there's nothing that amazing out there for you? then what? do you dare to dream that dream, believe in the impossible, or rather, the improbable, and say yes, that right there... that good thing: it can happen... it is happening to me? Is that what you do?

I know the answer. You know the answer. It's without a doubt, unequivicolly, YES!

But man, that can be toughest part, can't it? Believing that what you do has value to someone and that it may that thing that sets you apart from everyone else. takes you to another level. i mean, did whitney, mariah, celene, denzel, meryl, julia, and the rest believe? did they know that they would have the thing that would catapult them into the greatest there has ever been in what they do? or did they sit back and say, I have no idea why they love it, but damn, i'm glad they do!

Now, am i comparing myself or even Bluz, with these people? no, not really. i'm just talking about the ability to believe that God is not playing the role of narcissist today. That He's not using our lives for his entertainment, dangling dreams and impossibilities as potential realities, only to remove them at the slightest sign of hope in their fruition. and i know some of you just cringed at my analogy of God, but when you have lived a life that seems to be full of just such ironies, you learn to put nothing past anyone.. not even God. sad, but true. And maybe that's why the dreams are breathed, maybe it's Him trying to give me something to believe. Maybe, just maybe He's trying to woo me... court me back... teach me that He hasn't left me at all and that these human failings that have devastated me were not of His design, but He allowed them to develop me. Ready me. for this... this improbability.

I don't know...but man, i sure do hope.

and soon... maybe I'll believe.

Can You Handle the Truth?

i'm not perfect, nor am i always perfectly honest, but damn if i don't try to be. and sometimes, the message comes out brutally, but wouldn't you rather have it that way than the alternative?

people will often say to me that the reason they like my work, or follow me online is because they know that what i'm saying is truth (honesty if you like) and they like that. my question is this... isn't that the way it's supposed to be? i'm not saying everyone should say everything the way i do.. because my ass rarely implements a filter even when i should. what i am saying is that everyone says they want truth.. they want honesty, but i wonder if that's true.

i mean, in your day to day dealings with people, do you really want truth? or just a mild version of honesty that resembles truth, imitates its essence, but still leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy? i think the latter is what most people are after because they can't really deal with reality when it is bare ass naked staring them in the face like stretch marks and pot bellies in your bedroom mirror. and what i'm saying is that we all have something that isn't attractive about us. that we don't want to look at or acknowledge is there, and if we were just honest about it, we would all feel a little better about exposing ourselves to each other. and this, might just lead to much better, more productive relationships.

now, some of you are thinking that this is wishful thinking.. something that could never happen, but i think that selfawareness and the willingness to share your faults is the best policy we could all have. then no one is disillusioned about what they are getting. for example, i have two daughters.. .so if any of you are expecting a woman with no stretch marks.. i need you to keep it pushing. i've resolved myself to their presence and call them love marks to make myself feel better. lol. same thing when it comes to weight, or fitness. i've had 4 knee surgeries with significant nerve damage. i attempt to keep it together, but know my limitations.. so shit is what it is. if you don't like it, keep stepping. lol. as long as the belly is pretty flat.. the rest is considered by me to be quite attractive.

anyway, i'm saying all of this to simply say... you say you want truth, but i wonder if many of you do. especially when it pertains to yourself. truth about someone else is often entertaining and makes you feel good because you can relate to it, but how many of you are willing to expose the truth about yourself? ask that.. and then get back to me.

i'm all for giving you answers... putting words on paper, and almost always it's as close to 100% truth as i can deliver, but the only warning that i have is this: don't come looking for it if you aren't ready to handle it. fair enough?

would you believe me?

would you believe me...

if i said that i believe that love is fleeting and hate lingers for an eternity?

what if i said that doubt and fear buy mortgages, purchase living space in the communities of your heart and spirit, while faith and motivation tend to be temporary tenants leasing space until there's no more real estate available and they are bought out?

i know that it seems negative, slightly pessimistic, but for most of us, i would say that this is a reality of how we feel most days. the only thing that changes the living arrangements in our hearts, ironically, are the thoughts existing in our mind. and if you have never tried it, let me tell you that changing the "inner dialogue" (to use a much overused & underdefined modern term) is a bitch. lol. for me the process of redirecting the information that 36 years on this earth has provided me into reaffirming positive reality is difficult. hell, sometimes i think i've got about as much chance of being successful in that as Eminem does in realizing his ass is white. #i'mjustsayin' (and i love Eminem)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that sometimes it's easier to believe that dreams don't come true and fairytales are only meant for the pages of books read to children before bedtime. because then there's no need to fear. you don't have to worry about when it's going to end, when the tide is going to turn, and the goodness that has finally seen fit to find you moves on to someone you are sure is more deserving.

now, don't confuse these words with low self -esteem because understand that i'm aware of my greatness... lol. (j/k sort of) i know the things in me that are good.. that are of value. this is a different type of thing happening here. some might call it insecurity or fear of failing, but the name doesn't matter. all i can tell you is that it's real. and it hurts like hell. the biggest challenge is not allowing it to keep you from pursuing what you know to be your destiny.

see, i heard it once said that fear either does one of two things: it either paralyzes or it motivates. and i'm determined to no longer be frozen, stuck in a time warp waiting for wedges w/ little fishing swimming in them to come back in style! instead, face the fear head on and deal with it as you can. sometimes, that will be peeking through your fingers like watching a scary movie, and other times it will be with guns blazing daring fear to accost you. only problem with the latter is that we tend to misfire hitting those things meant to protect or help us along the way.

so, what we need to do... or at least, what i know i need to do, is practice spitting the positive words in my mind like i'm preparing for the GrandSlam finals of LIFE until they become engraved in me and i can "GO IN" at a moment's notice... just when it's necessary and i need to draw upon them most. if i can manage to do that, and simply continue to walk through the doors that open, kick down the ones that don't, and make the most of the gifts God has given me, all will be well and eventually, love will linger like the sweet aroma of honeysuckles in spring and fear will dissipate with the realization of my fate - whatever was spoken into the universe long before my birth.

and that... i'm okay with.

You Made Your Choice...Now, She Gets to Make Hers

To all you men complaining about child support and women deciding to have your babies and not giving you a choice in the matter.. I need to say one thing: You Made Your Choice... Now, She Gets to Make Hers.

Now, before you get your feathers all ruffled and upset, let me preface this discussion with a few points. First and foremost, I DO NOT support women who use their children as pawns/weapons in relationships and do things like withhold visitation because the men may be behind on child support or is just plain pissing them off. Visitation with the child is essential and not contigent upon money. There's no price tag for the value of a parent/child relationship and both parties have a responsibility to keep that in mind.

Having said that, men... you chose her. That's the only part of this entire situation that you can control - who you pick - who you allow to become your "baby's mama". So, in reality, you're kinda to blame if you end up with drama.

Recently, I've witnessed a couple of situations where the female has either come up pregnant or filed for child support and the men have complained saying that it should be a "joint decision" as to whether or not to have the child or that he and the mother should work out child support on their own instead of going through the courts. I have one thing to say regarding whether or not it's your right to participate in the decision on whether or not to keep the baby once the woman comes up pregnant: It's her body, therefore; her choice. And the moment you CHOSE to enter her unprotected, you were making the statement that you TRUST her judgment in that decision and are willing to accept her choice and all of it's ramifications. Now, think about that. If this is a one night stand, or the third time you've slept with her, and you make the choice to not strap up... you are saying to her, "I'm okay with you becoming my baby's mama" or "I'm okay being connected to you for the rest of our lives".. and are you really qualified to be making those types of statements about someone you've only known for a minute or are too drunk to remember her name tomorrow?

And ladies, lest you think that the men are the only ones that need to be addressed her, think again. You have the right to question him... ask for the condom. Don't consider it a compliment that he wants to "feel" your vagina. That doesn't make you special. It makes you vulnerable and open to not just pregnancy, but everything else out there. Most of us are guilty of getting caught up on the moment or "loving him so much" that we allow him to have unprotected sex and that's something that we need to reconsider and put a halt to immediately. We're worth more than that...and hopefully, so is he.

Having said all of that if you find yourself in a position where the deed has been done and there's even the remote possibility that you could be pregnant as a result. Be proactive. Don't put yourself in a position where two months from now, you're trying to decide whether to have an abortion or have a child with someone you might not otherwise want to be in a relationship with. Get the morning after pill IMMEDIATELY. It's effective up to 72 hrs later, but most effective within 24 hrs. And I mean 97% effective and it prevents conception. It's not a means of birth control, but it does eliminate the need for much tougher choices that effect way more lives down the road. It's only $50 or so.... work together people, $25 each if needed. You spend more than that on cigarettes, alcohol, starbucks, or the new outfit you bought when you met each other.

Your lives are worth more than that.

a little light

if i could take a moment this morning to shed a little light into the inner workings of the female mind, and ladies, feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, but men, while you having a GOOD job is a plus, the fact that you have the tenacity to have A job will suffice. it's the effort, the grind of doing what you have to do that makes us love you.. not your title. so if it takes two jobs for NOW to equal the pay/level of what you're striving for, we're okay with that. and we will even support you, be there for you, and help you on your journey.

now, do i realize that there are females out there who only want to know what you can do for them, and need a "sponsor", sure i do, but i'm talking about women here... not girls, not persons of the female persuasion, not bitches or hoes....women. and we are out there.. on a grind of our own. most often picking up the pieces of leftover families and repairing the damage done by males we have mistakenly given our best to in the past.

and here lies another truth...and this one may seem unfair, but that's because it is. men, understand that the often "bipolarness" that you witness in us, is our willingness to try to love you openly combined with our fear of rejection and hurt. and we know that this is confusing for you. it's just the process. because the majority of us (notice how i can't say a few, or even half of us) .... the MAJORITY of us have been devastated by the men in our lives starting as little girls with innocent souls that daddy, uncle johnny, or neighbor sam has polluted with their inappropriate touches upon our delicate skin, and now that our adulthood men have touched our souls the same way... it 's hard to recover. if i could put it in terms that you men could understand, i would say imagine that your mother, sister, favorite auntie, school teacher, first love, and mother of your child all kicked you in the balls right before sex.... you might be celibate by now. we feel the same.

now, for the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining on this somewhat dark cloud i have created to rain on your parade: stick it out. i know that's hard. because she's putting you through some shit, but i promise, that if you can withstand her tests.. her pushing at you and waiting to see if you're different from the rest, she will be the best thing you've ever had. because a woman who KNOWS she is loved and that she can TRUST is faithful. she is a ride or die chick, a stand by your man chick, and she will adore you. you will have earned the right to lead her and she will follow willingly because she feels SAFE. it will take sacrifice on your part, i do NOT deny, but if you are willing to put in the work.... you will no longer be dealing with the tricks, hoes, and golddiggers who not just WANT, but NEED you to buy their drinks, clothes, and babies' pampers. i'm just sayin'.

so, if everyone has been paying attention, we should all understand that what we want and need is out there, but it will take work, sacrifice, and effort. and it will be SCARY.. but the REWARD will be worth it. who's ready to clock in?

Cougarism...

what exactly makes a woman a cougar?
or a jaguar?
or any other feline for that matter?
and whose fault is it anyway, if fault can be applied?

men my age make comments about young guys trying to talk to me, but i don't see too many of you stepping to the plate and trying to get my attention. not in person anyway. now, you might muster up the courage to hit me up on FB or Twitter and maybe a question or two on my formspring, but that's about the extent of your efforts. so, how can you fix your mouth to say anything about my acceptance and even encouragement of the open affection and attention that these younger guys give me? and how does that make me a "cougar" or "jaguar"??

why doesn't it make me human?

simply attracted to those who give me the attention that i'm worth. because it's not like i'm looking for them to be young. i'm not perusing college campuses on the prowl for my next young conquest.. lol. i'm tending to my life. taking care of my girls, working my job, and performing.. and somehow, they seem to find me. they come calling. and that seems to get me defined or placed into some category.

how come i can't get credit for being nondescriminatory? lol. nonprejudicial.. open to new possibilities. all of those things would make women in this position seen in a more positive light, and that would just be unacceptable now wouldn't it? then you men would have nothing to complain about.. hell, you may even have to compliment,or admire us and that just isn't quite acceptable!

you can give each other props when you see a man with grey hair, wrinkled skin, and a young thing on his arm with big tits... but God forbid an attractive older female have a viral young man, (a "hung" thing) who can outlast you in the bed, on her arm. that somehow makes her a predator.lol something to be talked about and a category to be placed in... well, that's bullshit.

instead of watching in bewilderment or slight discontent at the "game" or "swagger" of the youngster you see talking to me, take a few notes, remember the days of your youth when you pursued freely that which you wanted, and don't hit me up on FB or Twitter. Call me. Walk up and speak the next time you see me. And if i like what i see or more importantly, what comes out of your mouth, i promise to give you the same opportunity they get from me.. no matter what age you are. Deal?

Welcome - This is the beginning..

So, today i decided to start a blog. not really because i believe that my words are worth sharing, or that you should come read them... but because my Facebook and now even my Twitter have become places of restrained communication and i miss my freedom of speech.

Having said that, if you follow me on either of those places and have chosen to visit this blog, consider yourself warned that you may read content that does not please, may even be about you, and i'm not going to apologize. there are times when we need to say things and too many times we refrain because we are concerned about the feelings of others or as an artist, what people might say or think. i mean, what if they get pissed and "unfriend" me or "unfollow" me? lol.. how funny that we place value on those things! not that i don't appreciate everyone who follows or friends me, because i do. it's just that i've never been one to kiss ass just so people will like me.

i hope that you read my work because you like it, can relate to it, or just needed it for that moment and something greater than you or i led you to it. if in the process, you determine that i'm someone that you think fondly of as well, then all the better. just know that what you love about me may at some point be the thing that pisses you off..lol. honesty, truth, reality... has a way of doing that sometimes.

now, you may have noticed that i've put links on here to both of my websites. and while i hope you go immediately, i will apologize in advance because they are NOT up to date! lol. time has not been on my side as of late, and there is much to do. i'm working on it though. give me a week or so, and they will be better, promise!

www.therantingsofdani.com - i use this one mostly for material from my first book. so it contains material that is written in a different format than my performance pieces.

www.takenooffense.com this one is for the performance side of things... so you can check them out and know the difference.

well, i need to get started on these things...just wanted to put something here to let you know i'm up and running. feel free to comment.. and i'll talk to you soon!