When What You Love Becomes Work...

We all spend time wishing that we could do what we love for a living, and I've often wondered if we should be careful what we wish for. I mean, think about it. When what you love because your work, doesn't that change it for you? Don't you sometimes, not always, but sometimes get bogged down by the normalcy of it? the expectancy of it? the responsibility of it?

It doesn't mean that we don't still love it, but I wonder if it manages to take some of the joy out of it? Just a thought.

I know that for me, I love writing. I love picking up the pen, or putting my fingers on the keys, and just letting my thoughts out onto the page. The only problem with that is now that so many people are reading those thoughts, it leaves me open for judgment, criticism, and what others think should be appropriate censorship. And that's not what I want. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if you judge or criticize even, but don't think that just because you are doing that, that I'm all of the sudden going to censor my thoughts or not put them into writing.

See, I have this crazy mindset that says, if I'm already thinking it, God already knows it, and since He determines my destiny, why should I care what you think? Now, someone recently pointed out to me that just because I think it, doesn't mean I should say it. And my response to that is: believe it or not, I don't. The stuff that you hear me say or read from my page, is actually the watered down version much of the time. And that should probably scare you...lol.

But the reason I say the things I do, is because I honestly believe that if people were more honest about their thoughts, their past, and their failings, we would be people less judgmental and more accepting of each others faults. There wouldn't be the need to pretend so much. We wouldn't carry around this fear of what others will think about us, because we would understand that everyone has those thoughts even if they aren't brave enough to speak them. But that's just me. You might not agree. And while we may differ, I can respect that opinion.

Now, 2 years ago, when I first began to write, none of this would have ever crossed my mind. But now, that what I love has become work for me... I have to. People give thought to what they read and now I'm put in the precarious position of deciding how I choose to handle that. Do I do what others have suggested and conform? Do I start to "be careful" because I now have "an image" and worry about what people will say or think about me?

For those of you who know me, you know that this is likely NOT going to happen. I've spent too many years worrying about what people think and trying to be what other people thought I should. And I've determined to not do it anymore. So, what I have to count on is people being honest and real with themselves, if with nobody else. Because then, they will appreciate me. Support me. And understand my position and where I'm coming from. At least that's my hope. That whether people or agree or not, they can respect and appreciate realness when they hear it. And if they do that, I won't have to worry about image or being "politically or socially correct" because I'll be being honest - and that's what they will love.

Whatever it is that you love, if you are now blessed enough to do it for work, the only thing that I can say to you is stay true to the purpose and feeling that caused you to begin that work. Don't let the expectations of others or the success of your endeavors change you or what you do. Stay true to what has made you successful and people will continue to love and support you. And then, you can still find pleasure in the details, pride in the outcome, and joy in the process of getting it done... even when what you love becomes work.

Baby Mama Drama... Really?

I hear soooo many men these days complaining about women who are putting them on child support and how we women should just sit back and let you all take care of your children the best way you can...

I hear you all talk about the women who withhold visitation because they're angry with you, trying to manipulate you, and all you can say is "if these women would just let us, we would do what we're supposed to as men." In other words, we women just won't "let" you be men, and frankly, I'm sick of that bullshit. How can men, real men, blame a woman for their failings... for not doing what they know is their responsibility or position to play? Really? How weak is that? You're not leading because we're not following? You're not providing because we're pursuing our own opportunities? You're not spending time with your children because you don't want to see us? Get the fuck outta here... It's excuses and I'm sure I speak for many women who are just tired of hearing them.

Because truth be told, when you get a woman who doesn't call you, ,nag you, "hound" you for the monetary support you should be seeking to provide for your children, we don't hear from you. Hell, you might as well be living in some other country for the amount of communication we get from you. But let us pick up the phone... let us ask one time when and how much you plan on sending for your children, and you have the nerve to get belligerent... seriously? As if we don't have a right to question you about providing for our children... it sickens me... how just because we aren't together means that this shit has to be trifling.. .when really, the babies should come first. It should have nothing to do with you or me. Why can't it be that easy?

And before those "good dads" out there get all riled up and pissed behind what I'm saying... let me just say that if this shit does not apply to you... don't take it personally. Because I'm on the other end of the stick.. never calling or asking for shit. Bringing the children more than halfway to ensure that you give them some type of visitation, but getting very little in return. And if men are honest, I would say that my situation is more the majority than not. It's this mindset that is effecting the core of our families...

How does my independence have anything to do with your ability to be a man? Why does my success mean that you should provide less than the minimum the government requires? If you were thinking about the children instead of your animosity towards me, you would realize it's them your hurting... not me. And they won't forget. It will mold them into the women they are to be and that's what I fear most. That somehow, you're lack of fathering will negatively impact their ability to trust and believe in men... because we as women were made to compliment you. And if we continue down the path we're on now, the family structure will continue to lessen with each and every generation... and that's sad.

So, before we keep talking about "baby mama drama", consider how we women feel about "sorry ass baby daddies", and let's make an effort to get this shit right. Why should our parental relationships be defined by such titles? This could not have been our plan, our agenda, when their arrival took place on this earth... so, why not give them the consideration that they deserve? I will tell women to not use their children as pawns... give that man a chance to play the role he has earned... and in the meantime, you men, step up to the plate. Show up for visitation and don't be late. Be fathers and daddies so there's no distinction in the terminology and all your children will know is "mine was there for me"... that should be our aim.

This is the lives of our children... not a game.

Half Baked

Like bodies lying on sandy beaches around the world, most of us find our dreams half baked... but then again, aren't many of our ideals, almost all of our perceptions, concepts, and expectations of what life ought to be for us? half baked. a little "undercooked". something that needed a little more time to become what it should be... yep, that's us.

and then we wonder why things leave a bad taste in our mouths... it's because we are living life consuming things that aren't completely ready for us or attempting to handle situations we aren't quite ready for. just running through life... half baked.

we apply our half baked theories to our relationships and then wonder why the appetizers are a little too hot, the salad has too much dressing, our meat is a little too chewy for our liking and we ended up watching it bleed... it's because it's half baked. we've began consumption too soon.. when it just looked pretty.. like it "should be done" and we didn't check the internal temperature to make sure that the substance it was cooked all the way through and not harmful to us..

it's why disappointed dreams hurt so much... they almost make us sick. half baked poisoning... lol. something like that. you know what i mean at least. it's believing in half truths when we know that honesty doesn't exist in the people we are dealing with, but we are in love with the idea of who they are going to be to us so we keep half thinking that somehow they will change who they are and manage to become fully the ideal that we've been half dreaming all our lives. no wonder we stay nauseous...

and then.. when we ought to throw it out.. get rid of that which has made us sick, we hold onto it. leave it in the fridge or microwave... thinking that maybe with time it will somehow become the meal of life's menu for us. we keep them around... as if looking at them will somehow make them edible. knowing that it's really spoiling inside... crossing the boundary from half baked to completely rotten and worthy of only one thing, the trash.

and again, here comes our half baked ideals thinking that maybe the milk will become yogurt or even cottage cheese.. or hopefully like grapes, eventually they will become wine worthy and we will be able to lose ourselves in the inebriation of it's consumption... but nine times out of ten we know that this is not realistic. we don't have the patience or nurturing that it would take for that and even if we did, would we want it that way? do we want it when it's ugly, smells bad, or something we have to "acquire a taste for" ?? no, we want it pretty, pleasing to our senses, and absolutely delicious at the first bite...

a half baked idea of how things usually happens...

when will we learn better? to cook our meals or wait for them to rot and become something different which is probably better for us than the original, but definitely not what we first wanted... we probably won't. we're the microwave generation.. we want it simple, edible, and we want it quick... often not leaving time for anything to marinate, generate a special taste.. instead it ends up like ravioli or ramen... individually packaged, easily prepared, tasting bland and like everything else.

that's what we half baked people get: wanting 5 star meals from our drive thru windows...

why don't we just take time to cook??

Puzzled Pictures...

i wish somehow that my pieces really fit into the perfect puzzle picture framed and hanging on my life's door that everyone seems to see and keep admiring...

a beautiful picture that has been hung for visual entertainment... something for your eyes to rest upon and provide an illusion of "put-together-ness"... a pretty picture display that without hesitation or deeper investigation, you turn your head and look away. completely unaware that the puzzle is not complete or anywhere close to accurate.

the pieces have been forced together, and glued into position so that the image before you is what it should be. but in reality, if you look closer, you will see the edges don't quite touch and there's space where none should be. but only if you step closer... really want to see what lies beneath the image hanging in front of you.. will you find these small but wide imperfections.
tracing the branches of the trees only to find flowers at the ends instead of leaves, oceans bleeding red instead of glorious blue seas, but you think that i'm just trying to be artistic in my expression, not realizing that it's painful dysmemberment that you are witnessing...

please look beyond the frame, through the glass, and see the puzzle that lies beneath.
i know that it won't be quite as endearing or sweet, but it will be truth. because as much as we would like to think that life just "goes together" and things are just "meant to be", i would say that things rarely happen as they are destined or how God designed them to. see, we have choices, chances, and opportunities to determine the fitting of our pieces, the putting together of our puzzles and since we are not divinely inspired or blessed with the gift of foresight, we tend to get it wrong much of the time.

then begins the painstaking process of trimming edges, pushing of pieces, trying to make things fit into spaces they were never meant to.. and we wonder why the pictures are never quite clear... or seem like something is missing. it's the result of misplaced puzzle pieces that we are trying to make conform to place in which we've put them... not realizing that while we might have a gorgeous Robert Kinkade in this frame, if we just let our pieces fall where they may, exist in the space in which they end up, we may have a Van Gogh, DaVinci, or Picasso... but we aren't patient like that, free like that.. we must put things where they're supposed to be so that we can display what others believe to be a "pretty picture"... after all, perception is reality..

and who doesn't want to be percieved as a perfectly placed puzzled picture hanging on display for everyone to see...

but then you're not... not really.

Anticipation of the View

it's been 18 months baby.

and while they don't come like they used to... hell, they hardly come at all... i wonder if you ever think that i still anticipate every text, every call that comes from you? do you realize that there's nothing more that i would like to see than my reflection in your eyes?

i laugh because there are those who think that i'm afraid of love... they think that i'm unwilling to compromise, scared of sacrifice... and what they don't realize is that i'm a walking crucifixion for your love.

see, i've witnessed manhood at it's best. and while not perfect, it was honest in its attempt and having beheld such rarity, a thing of real beauty, there's no other truth that I want to participate in or join myself to. and yes, i understand the challenge. i know what stands between us and i'm okay with it. what i'm going to do is "enjoy this view" and make the most of it. whatever little there is... i'm going to inhale and breathe it in and just be grateful that mercy and grace chose to let me experience it again..

someone said that i fill my time with men that don't measure up because i'm scared of love, but i would simply say that i don't bother with that which i know can never fill my cup because my soul still drinks your memory and those times still fulfill me... and i'm not wanting.. of anything but you. so, i choose to stand alone in this world with substitutes to pass my time away from you knowing that there's no way they could ever replace my Beauty & Truth. the very thing that keeps you from me is what makes me love you. so, i can't be angry, but rather admiring of your virtue.

and soon, i'll get the chance to show you that these words are living intentions in my soul. that our time together, while it may be short, will suffice even though it won't leave me whole. i'll enjoy it. like savoring the morsel of a man's last meal... i'll take my time with you. pause the passing of the sun and moon if possible. and i'll take a step closer to the edge... hold your hand.. and just enjoy the view.

And she's supposed to be special??

if her status is what you call special, let my ass stay ordinary in your eyes.

if special somehow requires that you keep me in the dark pretending to be something you're not, something you think i need, please keep that shit for her. because i don't need it. i'd rather have 20/20 vision and see you for exactly what you are and interact with you accordingly. instead, you've got her sitting around thinking that you're the main character in her fairytale, fake ass Cinderalla story, and i would rather have reality. because i know that you... are no Prince Charming.

see, some would think that you might be playing me and what you don't know is that you can't be played when you're running the game. and make no mistake, it is my game. i'm just teaching you how to play. it's an upgraded version of what you're used to, and that's okay boo... you'll get there. just don't expect me to put up with your bullshit as i teach you my rules. commitment and marriage are nowhere on my radar, and i know that you think everyone ought to desire those things from you, but game recognizes game, and you like too play to much for that shit..

so, i'll use you for what i know you're good at and leave the dreams for your other chicks who don't understand the person they are really dealing with... not to mention the heartache that will inevitably come with it. that shit, is for the birds or more adequately put, your young ass girls that be riding your jock. instead i'll take your sweet kisses and good cock and just call it a day.

now, having said that don't think that i don't care, but not for you more than myself. men like you taught me better than that a long time ago. when you recognize just what's in front of you, and deem it worthy of the respect it demands, then maybe... just maybe i'll give you a chance at something you can't even begin to fathom. but since i doubt that you even contain the capacity for something like that, i'll leave you where you're at. playing hopscotch, four square, and "simon says".. and watch as they hop, skip, and jump the way you tell them to...

and when i'm done being amused, i'll call your name and watch as you come to play in the big leagues...with me. and i'll watch as you falter in your first steps and misjudge your strategy trying to figure out just what this game is you're playing with me. but don't worry... i don't mean you any harm.. i won't call you special or make you think you're the only one playing. i'll keep it real as to your true status.. that way, you can't blame me later.

now that, just might be special.

Revolving Doors...

Have you ever looked up, come to your senses, and taken account of your surroundings only to find yourself right back where you started? Or in familiar territory surrounded by people that you could have sworn you left behind? or their doppleganger's at least?.. Like life has somehow trapped you in its revolving doors and you are unable to escape. You can't find the opening and you are watching the same storylines go 'round and 'round before your very eyes.

You can call it deja vu or whatever works best for you, but I would bet that there's a lesson you've yet to learn. And despite your attempts to move on, pretend as if you have mastered that skill, the universe knows better and attemps to save you from yourself by putting you right back in those situations. Sometimes with the same people, sometimes with those who you could swear were their twins in spirit and character... the question isn't what do you do to get out of it or why are you there? The only question that you should be asking yourself is what is it that I need to learn to make this thing work? To make it productive. To have a better resolution than the last time...

What is that thing? You can ask and it may not be clear at first... but usually, there's a hint of something familiar that you recognize in this situation and you should begin at that point of recognition to be careful of your moves. Because the slightest error in direction could keep you going in circles for weeks, if not months to come... trapped in revolving doors. Unable to progress or move forward into your destined state of happiness.

What's funny about this is that I find myself walking in circles as we speak... Looking through the glass of revolving doors and checking out the scenery and I swear I've seen it before. I believe that I have traveled these lands before, chartered these waters.. and I believe they almost drown me last time. So, I'm looking for a life preserver please. What is it that I can grasp in this moment of recognition that will somehow save me from repeating the mistakes of last time? The last time it was a travesty... a damn wreck. And that's not just my opinion, but of everyone around me who witnessed that trifling event. So, I have no desire to repeat that performance, but man, does it seem to be the exact same thing... wow. What the hell am I supposed to do differently?

Obviously, I have no idea, and there's no one here with divine inspiration to guide me... so, I'll just have to take it one step at a time. Resist the urges that come so naturally and remember that it's actions like those that have brought this situation back to me, and I'll proceed cautiously. After all, walking too fast in revolving doors is bound to make you dizzy. And I need to keep my wits about me.

So, while I normally end these blogs with some revelation or instruction on what I believe to be the resolution... it is not so in this case. Maybe my example will be that which teaches you what not to do... lol. If so, make sure you come back and share that same wisdom with me, because for now, I'm sitting here thinking of this thing and wondering just how to survive it, benefit from it, and not kill it while I'm waiting patiently for some kind of revelation. Maybe it will come or irony will amuse itself and keep it from me, either way... I'll walk in this revolving door and at least enjoy the scenery.