Obligation?... I'd Rather You Not.

Obligation

Did I hear that word correctly? Did you just say that the reason you spend time with me, go places with me, make time for me, is because you are obligated to? Did you really just classify me in the same category as paying your taxes, taking out the trash, and spending time with your in-laws?

How many of us have ever been made to feel or told that someone feels obligated to do what we oh so desire they would just want to? We wish with every fiber of our being that they would feel compelled, driven, urged from some force within them to simply do right by us. But the reality is that sometimes, and I hate to say it, most times, the very people that we are longing to receive this from simply just aren't capable of giving it to us. They are just not equipped. Now, you may be thinking that I'm wrong and that everyone can CHOOSE to do whatever they want. And I would argue differently. If you ask the addict, the hoarder, the person who has to turn the door knob 10 times in one different directions before entering or leaving every room of their house, and I promise you, they will not say those are things they would choose for themselves.

I wise man once told me, "you can't put into people what the good Lord left out", and I concur. When people don't have the desire to do right by you, love you the way you'd like, don't let that throw you. Don't feel yourself being put into the "obligation" category and lessen the measure of your worth. Recognize that it's a deficiency within them that is keeping them from realizing the fullness of what you have to offer and nothing lacking within you. Take a vacation from the obligation mindset, and walk in a freedom that says no matter what your motivation, I'm content with what you give me. Notice I didn't say grateful, because certain actions just don't qualify for gratitude.

It's like your children expecting to be rewarded for chores, making good grades, or simply obeying the rules. You're the children, dammit, that's what you're supposed to do! lol. Regard the adults in your life the same way. If you're the spouse, don't expect your significant other to oozing with thanks because you remembered your anniversary or her birthday. Hell, it's what you're supposed to do. lol. Step outside the box. Rise above the mediocre existence of the world of obligation if you can. And if you're the receiver in this situation or any other like it, and you see that no matter how many chances you give them, despite any amount of effort you put into them, if they are still unable to move past being "obligated" to you, determine if you're content with that. If you can be okay with living like the electric bill in someone's life, something they feel like they have to take care of or it will effect them negatively, and if so, stay. But if not, and you are ready for the wonderful world of voluntary association, a world where people choose to do things they aren't required to, a place that feels amazing, it may be time to reevaluate. Step into something new.

I strongly recommend it. But remember, you're not obligated to.

To the mothers... ALL the REAL mothers.

So, today's "Mother's Day".. the day when "lost" children go to church with their mommas, the women of the world who have brought life are taken to dinner, made breakfast in bed, and given presents to say "thank you" for their efforts. And while I myself called my own mother this morning, I wonder about the wanna-be mothers, the women who desire nothing more in their lives than the tug of a newborn nursing on their breast, the thump of a kick in their belly, and the unconditional love that fills the heart of a mother with the birth of their child. I find myself reflecting on the women who found themselves in circumstances that made the joy of childbirth impossible and they had to terminate the life within them. The ones whose bodies said, I can't do it, now is not the time. What about those women?

I know that many of you are thinking that this is an inappropriate post for Mother's Day, but I'm a mother and a woman, so I think I'll post whatever I want. Because maybe somewhere out there, some one esle is thinking this same thing. I find myself wishing we were a species that didn't require holidays to remind us to love and express that love to those around us. I'm thinking that we would enjoy life so much more.. now, the economists might not like this. After all, we wouldn't feel obligated between November and December 25th to go into debt and spend money we should be saving just to express the affection that we should be giving all year long. We wouldn't need roses at Valentine's Day to say "I love you", or golf clubs in June to say "thank you" to the men in our lives who accept and exceed in their roles as fathers.

And I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for Mother's Day and all the well wishes that I'm receiving today. What I am saying is that I know women who want nothing more than the joy, pain, and frustration I experience every day as a mother and it is a station in life they will never achieve. And to me, the birthing of a child is not what makes you worthy of praise on this day. It is the heart that matters. How many of us were raised by someone physical body had nothing to do with our birth? Aunties, neighbors, "mothers" of our churches.. they were there too. And their sacrifice is sometimes even more praiseworthy because they weren't obligated to you. There was something inside them that made them give when they didn't have to, be there when they could've been somewhere else, sacrifice themselves for us. Those are mothers.

The teacher whose classroom is filled with her "babies" - she's a mother. The woman whose womb is barren but her heart is filled with love for every child she lays her eyes on... she's a mother. Maybe not by definition, but by exception - by default - by what really counts. She is. I know this seems idealistic. The stuff that just isn't reality because we live in a world where people are defined by their titles and achievements, but I would like to believe that most of us LIVE differently. We regard those who have been there for us, touched us, and loved us no matter what as what they truly are - Family. We all have Aunt Ps, who are no blood relation, Ms. Shirleys, who had to be given the title as Godmother just so something worthy would apply, and Nannys, who live across the street and are always willing to give you their ear as well as a cup of sugar when needed. Those are the mothers. Along with the ones who birthed you, raised you, prayed over you as you slept, worried themselves sick that they weren't doing it right. They are all mothers. So, to you mothers... Happy Mother's Day!

Can You Believe Your Own Dreams...?

So this morning, I wake to the news that a friend and mentor, Bluz, has won another Emmy. So, I respond to the news in typical fashion, saying "Congrats! When I grow up I want to be like you!". His response: "You're already there." And the thing about hearing this is that as much as I want to hear it, long to believe it, there's the little nagging voice in me that says I dare not.

Because what if it doesn't happen? what if it's not true?

What if the masses are wrong and there's nothing that amazing out there for you? then what? do you dare to dream that dream, believe in the impossible, or rather, the improbable, and say yes, that right there... that good thing: it can happen... it is happening to me? Is that what you do?

I know the answer. You know the answer. It's without a doubt, unequivicolly, YES!

But man, that can be toughest part, can't it? Believing that what you do has value to someone and that it may that thing that sets you apart from everyone else. takes you to another level. i mean, did whitney, mariah, celene, denzel, meryl, julia, and the rest believe? did they know that they would have the thing that would catapult them into the greatest there has ever been in what they do? or did they sit back and say, I have no idea why they love it, but damn, i'm glad they do!

Now, am i comparing myself or even Bluz, with these people? no, not really. i'm just talking about the ability to believe that God is not playing the role of narcissist today. That He's not using our lives for his entertainment, dangling dreams and impossibilities as potential realities, only to remove them at the slightest sign of hope in their fruition. and i know some of you just cringed at my analogy of God, but when you have lived a life that seems to be full of just such ironies, you learn to put nothing past anyone.. not even God. sad, but true. And maybe that's why the dreams are breathed, maybe it's Him trying to give me something to believe. Maybe, just maybe He's trying to woo me... court me back... teach me that He hasn't left me at all and that these human failings that have devastated me were not of His design, but He allowed them to develop me. Ready me. for this... this improbability.

I don't know...but man, i sure do hope.

and soon... maybe I'll believe.

Can You Handle the Truth?

i'm not perfect, nor am i always perfectly honest, but damn if i don't try to be. and sometimes, the message comes out brutally, but wouldn't you rather have it that way than the alternative?

people will often say to me that the reason they like my work, or follow me online is because they know that what i'm saying is truth (honesty if you like) and they like that. my question is this... isn't that the way it's supposed to be? i'm not saying everyone should say everything the way i do.. because my ass rarely implements a filter even when i should. what i am saying is that everyone says they want truth.. they want honesty, but i wonder if that's true.

i mean, in your day to day dealings with people, do you really want truth? or just a mild version of honesty that resembles truth, imitates its essence, but still leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy? i think the latter is what most people are after because they can't really deal with reality when it is bare ass naked staring them in the face like stretch marks and pot bellies in your bedroom mirror. and what i'm saying is that we all have something that isn't attractive about us. that we don't want to look at or acknowledge is there, and if we were just honest about it, we would all feel a little better about exposing ourselves to each other. and this, might just lead to much better, more productive relationships.

now, some of you are thinking that this is wishful thinking.. something that could never happen, but i think that selfawareness and the willingness to share your faults is the best policy we could all have. then no one is disillusioned about what they are getting. for example, i have two daughters.. .so if any of you are expecting a woman with no stretch marks.. i need you to keep it pushing. i've resolved myself to their presence and call them love marks to make myself feel better. lol. same thing when it comes to weight, or fitness. i've had 4 knee surgeries with significant nerve damage. i attempt to keep it together, but know my limitations.. so shit is what it is. if you don't like it, keep stepping. lol. as long as the belly is pretty flat.. the rest is considered by me to be quite attractive.

anyway, i'm saying all of this to simply say... you say you want truth, but i wonder if many of you do. especially when it pertains to yourself. truth about someone else is often entertaining and makes you feel good because you can relate to it, but how many of you are willing to expose the truth about yourself? ask that.. and then get back to me.

i'm all for giving you answers... putting words on paper, and almost always it's as close to 100% truth as i can deliver, but the only warning that i have is this: don't come looking for it if you aren't ready to handle it. fair enough?

would you believe me?

would you believe me...

if i said that i believe that love is fleeting and hate lingers for an eternity?

what if i said that doubt and fear buy mortgages, purchase living space in the communities of your heart and spirit, while faith and motivation tend to be temporary tenants leasing space until there's no more real estate available and they are bought out?

i know that it seems negative, slightly pessimistic, but for most of us, i would say that this is a reality of how we feel most days. the only thing that changes the living arrangements in our hearts, ironically, are the thoughts existing in our mind. and if you have never tried it, let me tell you that changing the "inner dialogue" (to use a much overused & underdefined modern term) is a bitch. lol. for me the process of redirecting the information that 36 years on this earth has provided me into reaffirming positive reality is difficult. hell, sometimes i think i've got about as much chance of being successful in that as Eminem does in realizing his ass is white. #i'mjustsayin' (and i love Eminem)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that sometimes it's easier to believe that dreams don't come true and fairytales are only meant for the pages of books read to children before bedtime. because then there's no need to fear. you don't have to worry about when it's going to end, when the tide is going to turn, and the goodness that has finally seen fit to find you moves on to someone you are sure is more deserving.

now, don't confuse these words with low self -esteem because understand that i'm aware of my greatness... lol. (j/k sort of) i know the things in me that are good.. that are of value. this is a different type of thing happening here. some might call it insecurity or fear of failing, but the name doesn't matter. all i can tell you is that it's real. and it hurts like hell. the biggest challenge is not allowing it to keep you from pursuing what you know to be your destiny.

see, i heard it once said that fear either does one of two things: it either paralyzes or it motivates. and i'm determined to no longer be frozen, stuck in a time warp waiting for wedges w/ little fishing swimming in them to come back in style! instead, face the fear head on and deal with it as you can. sometimes, that will be peeking through your fingers like watching a scary movie, and other times it will be with guns blazing daring fear to accost you. only problem with the latter is that we tend to misfire hitting those things meant to protect or help us along the way.

so, what we need to do... or at least, what i know i need to do, is practice spitting the positive words in my mind like i'm preparing for the GrandSlam finals of LIFE until they become engraved in me and i can "GO IN" at a moment's notice... just when it's necessary and i need to draw upon them most. if i can manage to do that, and simply continue to walk through the doors that open, kick down the ones that don't, and make the most of the gifts God has given me, all will be well and eventually, love will linger like the sweet aroma of honeysuckles in spring and fear will dissipate with the realization of my fate - whatever was spoken into the universe long before my birth.

and that... i'm okay with.

You Made Your Choice...Now, She Gets to Make Hers

To all you men complaining about child support and women deciding to have your babies and not giving you a choice in the matter.. I need to say one thing: You Made Your Choice... Now, She Gets to Make Hers.

Now, before you get your feathers all ruffled and upset, let me preface this discussion with a few points. First and foremost, I DO NOT support women who use their children as pawns/weapons in relationships and do things like withhold visitation because the men may be behind on child support or is just plain pissing them off. Visitation with the child is essential and not contigent upon money. There's no price tag for the value of a parent/child relationship and both parties have a responsibility to keep that in mind.

Having said that, men... you chose her. That's the only part of this entire situation that you can control - who you pick - who you allow to become your "baby's mama". So, in reality, you're kinda to blame if you end up with drama.

Recently, I've witnessed a couple of situations where the female has either come up pregnant or filed for child support and the men have complained saying that it should be a "joint decision" as to whether or not to have the child or that he and the mother should work out child support on their own instead of going through the courts. I have one thing to say regarding whether or not it's your right to participate in the decision on whether or not to keep the baby once the woman comes up pregnant: It's her body, therefore; her choice. And the moment you CHOSE to enter her unprotected, you were making the statement that you TRUST her judgment in that decision and are willing to accept her choice and all of it's ramifications. Now, think about that. If this is a one night stand, or the third time you've slept with her, and you make the choice to not strap up... you are saying to her, "I'm okay with you becoming my baby's mama" or "I'm okay being connected to you for the rest of our lives".. and are you really qualified to be making those types of statements about someone you've only known for a minute or are too drunk to remember her name tomorrow?

And ladies, lest you think that the men are the only ones that need to be addressed her, think again. You have the right to question him... ask for the condom. Don't consider it a compliment that he wants to "feel" your vagina. That doesn't make you special. It makes you vulnerable and open to not just pregnancy, but everything else out there. Most of us are guilty of getting caught up on the moment or "loving him so much" that we allow him to have unprotected sex and that's something that we need to reconsider and put a halt to immediately. We're worth more than that...and hopefully, so is he.

Having said all of that if you find yourself in a position where the deed has been done and there's even the remote possibility that you could be pregnant as a result. Be proactive. Don't put yourself in a position where two months from now, you're trying to decide whether to have an abortion or have a child with someone you might not otherwise want to be in a relationship with. Get the morning after pill IMMEDIATELY. It's effective up to 72 hrs later, but most effective within 24 hrs. And I mean 97% effective and it prevents conception. It's not a means of birth control, but it does eliminate the need for much tougher choices that effect way more lives down the road. It's only $50 or so.... work together people, $25 each if needed. You spend more than that on cigarettes, alcohol, starbucks, or the new outfit you bought when you met each other.

Your lives are worth more than that.

a little light

if i could take a moment this morning to shed a little light into the inner workings of the female mind, and ladies, feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, but men, while you having a GOOD job is a plus, the fact that you have the tenacity to have A job will suffice. it's the effort, the grind of doing what you have to do that makes us love you.. not your title. so if it takes two jobs for NOW to equal the pay/level of what you're striving for, we're okay with that. and we will even support you, be there for you, and help you on your journey.

now, do i realize that there are females out there who only want to know what you can do for them, and need a "sponsor", sure i do, but i'm talking about women here... not girls, not persons of the female persuasion, not bitches or hoes....women. and we are out there.. on a grind of our own. most often picking up the pieces of leftover families and repairing the damage done by males we have mistakenly given our best to in the past.

and here lies another truth...and this one may seem unfair, but that's because it is. men, understand that the often "bipolarness" that you witness in us, is our willingness to try to love you openly combined with our fear of rejection and hurt. and we know that this is confusing for you. it's just the process. because the majority of us (notice how i can't say a few, or even half of us) .... the MAJORITY of us have been devastated by the men in our lives starting as little girls with innocent souls that daddy, uncle johnny, or neighbor sam has polluted with their inappropriate touches upon our delicate skin, and now that our adulthood men have touched our souls the same way... it 's hard to recover. if i could put it in terms that you men could understand, i would say imagine that your mother, sister, favorite auntie, school teacher, first love, and mother of your child all kicked you in the balls right before sex.... you might be celibate by now. we feel the same.

now, for the light at the end of the tunnel or the silver lining on this somewhat dark cloud i have created to rain on your parade: stick it out. i know that's hard. because she's putting you through some shit, but i promise, that if you can withstand her tests.. her pushing at you and waiting to see if you're different from the rest, she will be the best thing you've ever had. because a woman who KNOWS she is loved and that she can TRUST is faithful. she is a ride or die chick, a stand by your man chick, and she will adore you. you will have earned the right to lead her and she will follow willingly because she feels SAFE. it will take sacrifice on your part, i do NOT deny, but if you are willing to put in the work.... you will no longer be dealing with the tricks, hoes, and golddiggers who not just WANT, but NEED you to buy their drinks, clothes, and babies' pampers. i'm just sayin'.

so, if everyone has been paying attention, we should all understand that what we want and need is out there, but it will take work, sacrifice, and effort. and it will be SCARY.. but the REWARD will be worth it. who's ready to clock in?