Invisible Symptoms: Just Because You Don't See It, Doesn't Mean I'm Not Dealing With It

There are too many to name, but here's a few just to give you a point of reference:

Graves' Disease
Lupus
Hashimoto's Disease
Crohn's Disease
Fibromyalgia

All of these are autoimmune disease that can cause a variety of symptoms and cause the person living with the condition more challenges than most can imagine.  The thing about these diseases is that most often, you can't see them... you have no idea the person dealing with the every day issues even has anything wrong with them.  There is no cure and treatment varies in success.

I should know.  I have Graves' Disease.

It's in my biography. You can read a line or two about it in my EPK, but unless you know me or happen to catch a random post about it when I'm frustrated, you would never know it to look at me.  See, I'm blessed. To date, I've only suffered from the silent symptoms... the invisible things happening internally. Unless you're a doctor, you'll probably never notice when one side of my throat is enlarged (has a goiter) and is bigger than the other.  My dry eyes and sometimes hard time swallowing will go unnoticed.  Unless I point it out, you'll miss my shirt shaking from the heart palpitations.  The nights I'm up cleaning house or writing because sleep refuses to come for days or even weeks at a time, you'll attribute to my personal drive.  And the times when I can't keep my eyes open and falls asleep despite by best efforts because my body is crashing, you'll never witness.  Only my family and loved ones have witnessed all that.

I remember when they finally diagnosed me back in 2006.  I wasn't feeling well that day.  Nothing particular was wrong. I didn't have a fever, wasn't nauseous, or anything like that.  I just didn't feel well.  I had my girls, my niece, and a couple other children at my house so I called my doctor's office and left a message for the nurse to see what he wanted me to do.  They took too long to call back and for some reason, I felt like I should go to urgent care. I just knew something wasn't right. (Listen to your inner voice people.) Anyway, I went to urgent care and between checking in and sitting back in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, about an hour and a half had passed.  After all, I wasn't exhibiting any signs of distress or a medical emergency so they just put me in a room to wait.  The kids were getting hungry (it was about 7pm by this time) and the nurse practitioner came in.  She asked the same generic questions they always do while getting out her stethoscope to take a listen (again, like they always do). Everything was going as usual until she put the stethoscope over my abdomen (your aorta runs from your heat down behind where your belly button is) and she stopped speaking in mid sentence, turned to look back through my chart, and then turned to ask me if I'd ever had an ultrasound of my heart.  Huh? Did she just ask me about my heart? Yup.  She sure did.

I told her that I hadn't and asked why she was asking. She wouldn't answer and then asked if I minded if she went and got Dr. Lee (whom I knew very well) and I said "Why don't you do that?" Lol (Looking back I might have been a little rude right then... but she was asking about my heart so I feel I should get a pass.)

Anyway... Dr. Lee comes in asking about my recent weight loss, if I'd been working out, had less of an appetite, etc. All the while, he's listening to my chest/stomach and speaking like everything's okay. Then he asks if there's anyone else with me besides the kids or if any of them can drive. The answer to both of those questions was "no". He tells me that my resting heart rate is 136 and he wants me to drive across the street to the emergency room.  I tell him that I need to feed the kids first and he says I can't. Tells me to drive straight there, have my niece call my husband (I was married then), and he's calling ahead to tell them I'm coming so they can take me straight back.

And that... was the beginning.

At least now I had a name for it, a reason for the things everyone was judging me on.  You see, for months people had questioned me about my weight loss, my energy or fatigue (whichever they happened to notice).  My church had even made me step down from working with the youth because they thought I was addicted to the pain meds from knee surgery (which I wasn't). But the problem was they couldn't see my disease and my hands shaking/weight loss combination gave them enough evidence to pass judgment even though I feel like they should have known better.

And I was hurt.  Still am.  To this day I feel some kinda way for being taken away from my babies (the teens & youth I worked with) because we had/have a special bond and I didn't do anything wrong.  I was sick. I just didn't know it.  And to make it worse, the pastor's wife was a nurse.  How's that for ironic.

I'm sharing all of this not to point fingers or anything like that, but to say be careful when making assessments about people.  You have no idea what they're dealing with on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily basis.  There's no cure for these illnesses.  Doctors have no idea why we get them and are literally "practicing" medicine in their treatment of them.  Some things work well for certain people and not at all for others.  The autoimmune system is complex and once you get one disease, you are prone to get others which is scary when you know that MS and Parkinson's Disease are part of this group as well.

I choose to not let it rule my life.  I deal with it and keep living.  You only get one life after all, right?

I've included a few links below on Graves' and other autoimmune diseases.  Take a look if you're interested. If not, just remember that people deal with more than you could ever see and sometimes the silent symptoms aren't evidence that it's not physical.

(the video below is from a couple nights ago when my heart was palpitating... sometimes it beats fast and other times just hard enough to shake my shirt/lift objects on my stomach)

http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/autoimmune-diseases.cfm
http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/graves-disease.cfm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/graves-disease/DS00181

Julia... Stop acting out my life. Please.

Eat. Pray. Love. 
Runaway Bride. 

I swear this tall, skinny, white woman is living the life of this average height, curvy, biracial woman on screen and I wish she'd just stop it.  Well, not really. She's provided part of my therapy before I was in therapy so I guess I should be grateful. Isn't it ironic how skin color becomes irrelevant, age doesn't matter, and economic status doesn't play a factor when it comes to love and relationships? We base so much in this life on what we look like, do for a living, and where we think we're going, but in reality all of us want the same thing: 

To be happy. To be loved. To be happily in love. 

She'd traveled to 48 or 49 countries; had her passport stamped to prove she'd been somewhere and become worldly educated; only to find that people in every land, of every shape, color, and religion all wanted to know about love. 

How do we find it? How do we keep it? When should we leave it? When should we fight to hold on to it? 

We humans are quite pitiful, aren't we? Simple even. 

Then why do we make things so difficult? 
I would suggest that it's because our focus is misplaced.  We're looking, hunting... even when we say we're not, we're posting our "advertisements" of what we're doing for self so someone else will notice how "put together we are" and find us appealing.  What a conundrum we people are in these days... Especially the women. 

Bless our hearts. 

Let me only speak for myself. How's that? Before someone gets offended and starts saying I think I know all the answers.  I'll make myself the example, ok? 

As a woman, I've been taught to nurture... to edify, uplift, support - be the "help meet" for the man in my life.  And while I'm proud of those qualities... wouldn't trade them for the world, I also think they've been to my detriment because I tend to lose myself in "him". All the sudden, his tv shows become mine, I'm okay with his favorite restaurant, fixing his favorite dinners and desserts.  It's not because I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly aware of the working parts inside me... Probably more so than most people you know.  But it's because I've never taken the time to nurture me.  So if I don't matter to me, it's not an issue to put someone else before me. 

I know to some that may seem foreign, but I believe for more women than we would ever care to let you know, we suffer from this disease of "selflessness". See, what I'm learning now is that I am extreme.  I'm all in or all out. I'm black or white. And it's not working for me.  It's wearing me out.  It's making me want to run down the altar... leave my loves behind... board a plane and head to the other side of the world so I can Eat. Pray. Love. MYSELF.  Because I don't know how I like my eggs or I'm planning to hike on my honeymoon when I have no desire to leave my bedroom... and while these are movie references, you get my point. 

Balance.  

That's the resounded lesson I hear the Universe trying to teach me. Find the things that make me who I am. Recognize the extremes...not only where they take me, but why I let them and then make adjustments.  And if my love at the time is the extreme opposite, then allow him to provide balance as I bring him "center" but never losing me in the process.  Compromise is okay. Disappearing is something altogether different.  I can ride shotgun; give you the spotlight when appropriate; be your cheerleader in the background... as long as you know to do the same when the time comes because I deserve to shine as well. My dreams do not disappear in the pursuit of your goals and my likes do not dissipate because your wants differ.  I matter.  

To me... I matter. 

And what I'm finding is that when I place the focus on me... the happy comes a little easier. The love tends to follow suit because it sees the progress in me and wants to be a part of it.  It's funny that I once needed someone else to love me to let me know that I could and should be loved.  Now, I'm learning that I can love me and if no one else does, then they're missing out. I'm going to breathe anyway.  I'm going to find my joy in an entire pizza engulfed while sitting in my own Naples, Italy, my peace while meditating in the temple of my personal Indonesia, and my "balance of self" in the love I've found within me...and with him.  

I don't maintain every day.  Some days, I slip.  I overindulge and can't button my pants, fall asleep during meditation, or find myself standing on the beach unable to get in the boat.  But the other days... I learn to order my new life's menu in a tongue that was completely foreign to me a month ago... I find meditation over without realizing I've been in quiet contemplation for longer than planned and I meet him on the pier with my paddles ready to row for us.  I'm not perfect, but I'm learning what works for me and mastering how not to let the bad days get the best of me and send me backwards.  

My progress is too important.  It's how I managed to put away my track shoes, step outside my castle of protection where I felt safe locked away from love and what I thought was inevitable hurt, and take the risk again.  And I don't want to go back. 

Yes, there are days when running away is appealing... more attractive than meth to an addict, but I heard someone say this and it stuck with me:

'Yes, you're hurting.  Yes, you're in pain right now.  And if you don't do the drug (in my case, run backwards) the tunnel of darkness will end.  It may be a long, dark road, but eventually, the tunnel will end, the pain and hurt will lessen, and you'll see the light in front of you.  But if you do it... if you take that hit, shoot up... if you run, the hurt never goes away.  The pain stays forever.  You always walk in darkness.  There is no light. 

So for me... I'll continue on my journey.  Eating. Praying. Loving. and Learning along the way what works best for me.  Because a better me, gets a better man who loves me best. 

Dani

http://thisisdani.com
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The Symmetry Between Self-Love & Selfish

We live in an age where we're very self-oriented in our beliefs.  Everywhere you look there's a commercial telling you what you deserve and how much you need to do for yourself.  The same is true in social media.  People post about focusing on themselves, cutting out people who aren't beneficial for them, making sure they put themselves first, etc.  And while I agree there is a need to love self, protect self, and nurture self, I don't believe any of those things equate to being selfish, lack of sacrifice, or giving to another. 

We are a people of extremes.  

I know I always have been.  I love hard. Play hard.  Hate hard.  

At least I used to.

I loved the idea of things being black and white.  If I was going to do something, I might as well "do it right".  I was not a fan of "grey" in almost any context.

But now, I crave balance... some middle ground. Something that doesn't swing freely, sometimes uncontrollably, between 0 and 180 degrees.  And this is what we need when it comes to self-love. We need balance.. A solid message that helps heal those like me who have no point of reference for nurturing or love in such a capacity... and also teaches patience and compassion to those who have taken self-love and equated it to selfishness because both of those extremes have us missing out on the best that we have to offer each other in relationships. 

Now, I'm not talking just about romantic relationships although that's the main focus of this post.  Intimacy isn't just about a romantic relationship.  Our friendships, family relationships, etc are intimate or at least they should be.  Intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability and extreme people don't do vulnerable well. 

I should know... 

There was a time when I was completely aware of the things going on in me that were keeping me from getting into relationships with people.  I was fine with "surface" dealings because they meant I was "safe". And that feeling of being safe was more important than the risk of hurt just to experience love with another person.  The way I looked at it, I've been loved.  I've had great love with good men and I know what it feels like so there was no need risking someone performing an emotional act of genocide on my heart.  No thank you. It simply wasn't necessary or remotely appealing to me.... Back then. 

But there comes a time when someone becomes more important than the need to feel safe.  And that's when you begin to come out of the castle.  You lower the drawbridge, stop refilling the moat with piranhas, and put away the fire breathing dragon.  BUT - this isn't when you take off all your armor and give folks free access to your delicate places.  (Extreme) Because if you do this and get hurt, I promise your response is going to be extreme and often to retaliate and hurt them back. (For those who know me, you've seen this in action.) Hence the need for balance. 

The key isn't to be a ride or die chick, a stand by your man no matter what he does woman. It's about compromise.  Give and take.  Putting in work and seeing your efforts matched by the other person.  When these signs are present and the relationship is worth it, you keep working.  You stay.  You fight for it.  And I promise that's not possible if your idea of self-love is selfish.  Because it takes sacrifice.  You WILL hurt. But the good must outweigh the bad by far and it will be worth it.  

Too often we stay for people who aren't working with us, but continually against us and it's because we either don't have an understanding of our own value, lack adequate love for ourselves, or we're scared to be alone.  For me, it was the middle one.  I know my value.  Hell, I can give you a laundry list of what I bring to the table as a person.  But knowing you're valuable... understanding that there are things about you that are lovable... isn't the same as knowing you're worth loving.  And knowing that someone should love you, doesn't mean you know how to love yourself. Some are lacking in a point of reference for this and with us, you will have to be patient.  (Here's where balance will be essential.) 

You can't give so much you become empty.  The other person must be replenishing your supply.  You must hold each other down.  Think of it like playing on the teeter-totter on the playground as a kid.  You can't leave them up or stay down too long or it's no fun... you won't be able to look each other in the eye, laugh, and enjoy the ride.  You must push yourself off to bring them down and they must do the same for you.  You have to account for the weight difference in each other knowing that it will require different things from each of you to accommodate the other - that's what makes each relationship unique.  Don't ride with someone who isn't working with you.  Take turns driving because being behind the wheel all the time is tiring and no one should be napping when you've been up for 20 hours and the life of your relationship depends on you staying awake.  (Hopefully, ya'll are following my analogies. lol) 

You can't be the lifeline of the relationship. Remember the lessons of our childhood and take turns.  Share. Understanding that you'll have to do them in both the good and bad times.  It doesn't make you weak or a fool - not if they're doing the same for you.  It makes you smart enough to not walk away from something that has the potential to be everything. Love yourself enough to not deprive it of the best thing you could possibly have just because of pride or the opinions of others.

Hell, most of them are in a worse position and misery loves company. 

If you haven't been paying attention or don't have a strong sense of discernment, you may have missed the shift in the universe, but we are living in a time where we need to figure out what's really important.  It's time for us to heal, learn to nurture and love ourselves, find balance in how much we give to others, and not run from those who bring out the best in us.  Being able to get to the extremes is essential and has its place, but having the extremes be the ONLY place you can reside is detrimental to the very things we want most: To Love and Be Loved.  

I'm looking for balance... trying to be comfortable in the "grey"... 

Join me. 

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