Single & Happy - A Lesson For the Men

Over the recent months, I've had more and more men ask me "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?".  Then of course, there's the man who assumes that he understands me, knows my level of hurt, and that one day, when I'm ready, "the right man will come along and I'll be happy." And I swing back and forth on the pendulum of response to this going from laughter to downright anger, close to madness, in my need to react.

But instead of reacting, I think I'll take this time to respond... correct.. and hopefully, educate.

Believe it or not, happiness can be obtained in solitude.  Contentment can be found without constant companionship or the defining status of: In a Relationship

I know that is hard for some of you to grasp and your male egos think that we should have to NEED you, but hear me, believe me when I say that it is just not so.   And here's the important part to this... it's not because we're angry.  Our choice to be single is not because we've been so devastated that our belief in marriage is now bitter or our ability to trust shattered.  It's simply not what we want.  Now, I'm not sure why that's such a hard concept to grasp, but apparently it is.  So, in an effort to clarify, break it down for easy consumption let me explain it to you from my personal perspective and see if it makes any sense to you.

I believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage.  It is something sacred, precious, and amazing.  Now, I was raised in church and while there are many beliefs that I may now question or wonder about their simplicity, the role of men and women in relationships is not one of them.  Having said that, I need you to pay attention here and understand what I'm telling you. I believe that the man is the head of the house.  Yup, that's right.  I believe that the man should be the head of the house and be treated as such.  Now, men... don't think this means that you can expect the respect and submission this position deserves if you aren't leading appropriately. 

Here's the thing... (and yes, I'm going back to church on ya'll)

The word says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  We all know that Jesus loved the Church enough to sacrifice himself for it.  Men, when's the last time you left your woman feeling like you would die for her?  When's the last time you created an atmosphere that said to her "you come first" or "my wants will come after your needs"?  I've been telling men for years that the key to a woman is to make her feel safe.  Not just physically, but on all fronts.  You do that, and I promise submission will not be an issue.  A man must know to facilitate the balance between leading and letting.  See, women aren't to be treated as children or stepping stones.. they are to be respected, honored, and treasured.  There's a balance that must be obtained.

For example, everyone would probably agree that Michelle Obama, First Lady and attorney, is a strong woman.  I would even venture to say that she's "independent" in her thinking, but I don't think there's a soul that would say Barak doesn't lead that home.  Just like when they dance, she's secure in his steps, so she's comfortable letting him lead.  That's the balance of a perfect union.

Now, I know some of you men are saying that women today won't let you lead and that some of us are too independent.  And I would agree.  But I'm talking about what I would call "real" women.  A woman who understands the way this thing is designed to work... when this woman has a man who exhibits the qualities listed above, she naturally submits.  She falls into alignment with that which God designed and understands her role... her place.  And there's nothing demeaning in it.  There's no loss of self, no secondary level of respect, because he exalts her.  Maybe some of you think I'm old school.. old fashioned, etc.. and that's fine by me.  But I know strong women - amazing women who have their heads held high, accomplishing success on a variety of levels who are married to confident men, who aren't threatened by them, know how to appreciate them, support them in their endeavors, and put them in their place when needed.  That's how it should work people.

I also believe that men being the "head" of the house means that he comes before the children.  Now, before you mothers freak out.. listen to me.  If he's the man we have described above, there's no issue giving him this power, because he's the kind of man who will place them before himself just as he does you.  Make sense?  That's why we shouldn't just become joined to anyone.  In the right relationship, we are entrusting this man to lead our family and he must be worthy and capable of that responsibilty.. and not all of them are.

I said all of that to say this...

It's this belief system that keeps me single.  Puzzled are you?  Well, think about it.  It makes perfect sense.  Coming out of a 13yr marriage, I believe that it's my responsibilty to give my undivided attention to my daughters.  Make sure that they are okay with things the way they are.  I am focused on them, my career(s), and myself.  And because of that, I know that a relationship isn't for me.  I won't bring a man on the scene and have him detract from what they rightfully deserve and definitely need from me right now.  That wouldn't be fair to them, and I'm their mother above anything else.  At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to the man either.  He deserves the right to take his position in the relationship and if I know that I'm not willing to even entertain that right now, why should I waste his time with me?  Why not let him move on to another woman who desires a serious relationship or who is just dying to married??  Isn't that the responsible and respectful thing to do?

See, it's not bitterness that keeps from me single.  It's a choice to be conscious of what others need/desire and not involve myself with people who want more than I know I'm willing to give.  That doesn't make me a "scorned woman" "man-hater" or "bitter bitch".  It makes me intelligent, responsible, and grown.  I don't need a baby daddy. A sponsor holds no appeal for me.  The only people I want to be attached to until death do we part right now are my daughters and my family.  And believe it or not, they alone make me happy.  I am not lacking. 

So before you open your mouth, chat box, or message box and go to ask a woman why is she single... think about this and understand that it might just be exactly what she wants... and she's happy with it.