Invisible Symptoms: Just Because You Don't See It, Doesn't Mean I'm Not Dealing With It

There are too many to name, but here's a few just to give you a point of reference:

Graves' Disease
Lupus
Hashimoto's Disease
Crohn's Disease
Fibromyalgia

All of these are autoimmune disease that can cause a variety of symptoms and cause the person living with the condition more challenges than most can imagine.  The thing about these diseases is that most often, you can't see them... you have no idea the person dealing with the every day issues even has anything wrong with them.  There is no cure and treatment varies in success.

I should know.  I have Graves' Disease.

It's in my biography. You can read a line or two about it in my EPK, but unless you know me or happen to catch a random post about it when I'm frustrated, you would never know it to look at me.  See, I'm blessed. To date, I've only suffered from the silent symptoms... the invisible things happening internally. Unless you're a doctor, you'll probably never notice when one side of my throat is enlarged (has a goiter) and is bigger than the other.  My dry eyes and sometimes hard time swallowing will go unnoticed.  Unless I point it out, you'll miss my shirt shaking from the heart palpitations.  The nights I'm up cleaning house or writing because sleep refuses to come for days or even weeks at a time, you'll attribute to my personal drive.  And the times when I can't keep my eyes open and falls asleep despite by best efforts because my body is crashing, you'll never witness.  Only my family and loved ones have witnessed all that.

I remember when they finally diagnosed me back in 2006.  I wasn't feeling well that day.  Nothing particular was wrong. I didn't have a fever, wasn't nauseous, or anything like that.  I just didn't feel well.  I had my girls, my niece, and a couple other children at my house so I called my doctor's office and left a message for the nurse to see what he wanted me to do.  They took too long to call back and for some reason, I felt like I should go to urgent care. I just knew something wasn't right. (Listen to your inner voice people.) Anyway, I went to urgent care and between checking in and sitting back in the room waiting on the doctor to come in, about an hour and a half had passed.  After all, I wasn't exhibiting any signs of distress or a medical emergency so they just put me in a room to wait.  The kids were getting hungry (it was about 7pm by this time) and the nurse practitioner came in.  She asked the same generic questions they always do while getting out her stethoscope to take a listen (again, like they always do). Everything was going as usual until she put the stethoscope over my abdomen (your aorta runs from your heat down behind where your belly button is) and she stopped speaking in mid sentence, turned to look back through my chart, and then turned to ask me if I'd ever had an ultrasound of my heart.  Huh? Did she just ask me about my heart? Yup.  She sure did.

I told her that I hadn't and asked why she was asking. She wouldn't answer and then asked if I minded if she went and got Dr. Lee (whom I knew very well) and I said "Why don't you do that?" Lol (Looking back I might have been a little rude right then... but she was asking about my heart so I feel I should get a pass.)

Anyway... Dr. Lee comes in asking about my recent weight loss, if I'd been working out, had less of an appetite, etc. All the while, he's listening to my chest/stomach and speaking like everything's okay. Then he asks if there's anyone else with me besides the kids or if any of them can drive. The answer to both of those questions was "no". He tells me that my resting heart rate is 136 and he wants me to drive across the street to the emergency room.  I tell him that I need to feed the kids first and he says I can't. Tells me to drive straight there, have my niece call my husband (I was married then), and he's calling ahead to tell them I'm coming so they can take me straight back.

And that... was the beginning.

At least now I had a name for it, a reason for the things everyone was judging me on.  You see, for months people had questioned me about my weight loss, my energy or fatigue (whichever they happened to notice).  My church had even made me step down from working with the youth because they thought I was addicted to the pain meds from knee surgery (which I wasn't). But the problem was they couldn't see my disease and my hands shaking/weight loss combination gave them enough evidence to pass judgment even though I feel like they should have known better.

And I was hurt.  Still am.  To this day I feel some kinda way for being taken away from my babies (the teens & youth I worked with) because we had/have a special bond and I didn't do anything wrong.  I was sick. I just didn't know it.  And to make it worse, the pastor's wife was a nurse.  How's that for ironic.

I'm sharing all of this not to point fingers or anything like that, but to say be careful when making assessments about people.  You have no idea what they're dealing with on a daily basis. Yes, I said daily basis.  There's no cure for these illnesses.  Doctors have no idea why we get them and are literally "practicing" medicine in their treatment of them.  Some things work well for certain people and not at all for others.  The autoimmune system is complex and once you get one disease, you are prone to get others which is scary when you know that MS and Parkinson's Disease are part of this group as well.

I choose to not let it rule my life.  I deal with it and keep living.  You only get one life after all, right?

I've included a few links below on Graves' and other autoimmune diseases.  Take a look if you're interested. If not, just remember that people deal with more than you could ever see and sometimes the silent symptoms aren't evidence that it's not physical.

(the video below is from a couple nights ago when my heart was palpitating... sometimes it beats fast and other times just hard enough to shake my shirt/lift objects on my stomach)

http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/autoimmune-diseases.cfm
http://womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/graves-disease.cfm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/graves-disease/DS00181

Julia... Stop acting out my life. Please.

Eat. Pray. Love. 
Runaway Bride. 

I swear this tall, skinny, white woman is living the life of this average height, curvy, biracial woman on screen and I wish she'd just stop it.  Well, not really. She's provided part of my therapy before I was in therapy so I guess I should be grateful. Isn't it ironic how skin color becomes irrelevant, age doesn't matter, and economic status doesn't play a factor when it comes to love and relationships? We base so much in this life on what we look like, do for a living, and where we think we're going, but in reality all of us want the same thing: 

To be happy. To be loved. To be happily in love. 

She'd traveled to 48 or 49 countries; had her passport stamped to prove she'd been somewhere and become worldly educated; only to find that people in every land, of every shape, color, and religion all wanted to know about love. 

How do we find it? How do we keep it? When should we leave it? When should we fight to hold on to it? 

We humans are quite pitiful, aren't we? Simple even. 

Then why do we make things so difficult? 
I would suggest that it's because our focus is misplaced.  We're looking, hunting... even when we say we're not, we're posting our "advertisements" of what we're doing for self so someone else will notice how "put together we are" and find us appealing.  What a conundrum we people are in these days... Especially the women. 

Bless our hearts. 

Let me only speak for myself. How's that? Before someone gets offended and starts saying I think I know all the answers.  I'll make myself the example, ok? 

As a woman, I've been taught to nurture... to edify, uplift, support - be the "help meet" for the man in my life.  And while I'm proud of those qualities... wouldn't trade them for the world, I also think they've been to my detriment because I tend to lose myself in "him". All the sudden, his tv shows become mine, I'm okay with his favorite restaurant, fixing his favorite dinners and desserts.  It's not because I don't know who I am. I'm perfectly aware of the working parts inside me... Probably more so than most people you know.  But it's because I've never taken the time to nurture me.  So if I don't matter to me, it's not an issue to put someone else before me. 

I know to some that may seem foreign, but I believe for more women than we would ever care to let you know, we suffer from this disease of "selflessness". See, what I'm learning now is that I am extreme.  I'm all in or all out. I'm black or white. And it's not working for me.  It's wearing me out.  It's making me want to run down the altar... leave my loves behind... board a plane and head to the other side of the world so I can Eat. Pray. Love. MYSELF.  Because I don't know how I like my eggs or I'm planning to hike on my honeymoon when I have no desire to leave my bedroom... and while these are movie references, you get my point. 

Balance.  

That's the resounded lesson I hear the Universe trying to teach me. Find the things that make me who I am. Recognize the extremes...not only where they take me, but why I let them and then make adjustments.  And if my love at the time is the extreme opposite, then allow him to provide balance as I bring him "center" but never losing me in the process.  Compromise is okay. Disappearing is something altogether different.  I can ride shotgun; give you the spotlight when appropriate; be your cheerleader in the background... as long as you know to do the same when the time comes because I deserve to shine as well. My dreams do not disappear in the pursuit of your goals and my likes do not dissipate because your wants differ.  I matter.  

To me... I matter. 

And what I'm finding is that when I place the focus on me... the happy comes a little easier. The love tends to follow suit because it sees the progress in me and wants to be a part of it.  It's funny that I once needed someone else to love me to let me know that I could and should be loved.  Now, I'm learning that I can love me and if no one else does, then they're missing out. I'm going to breathe anyway.  I'm going to find my joy in an entire pizza engulfed while sitting in my own Naples, Italy, my peace while meditating in the temple of my personal Indonesia, and my "balance of self" in the love I've found within me...and with him.  

I don't maintain every day.  Some days, I slip.  I overindulge and can't button my pants, fall asleep during meditation, or find myself standing on the beach unable to get in the boat.  But the other days... I learn to order my new life's menu in a tongue that was completely foreign to me a month ago... I find meditation over without realizing I've been in quiet contemplation for longer than planned and I meet him on the pier with my paddles ready to row for us.  I'm not perfect, but I'm learning what works for me and mastering how not to let the bad days get the best of me and send me backwards.  

My progress is too important.  It's how I managed to put away my track shoes, step outside my castle of protection where I felt safe locked away from love and what I thought was inevitable hurt, and take the risk again.  And I don't want to go back. 

Yes, there are days when running away is appealing... more attractive than meth to an addict, but I heard someone say this and it stuck with me:

'Yes, you're hurting.  Yes, you're in pain right now.  And if you don't do the drug (in my case, run backwards) the tunnel of darkness will end.  It may be a long, dark road, but eventually, the tunnel will end, the pain and hurt will lessen, and you'll see the light in front of you.  But if you do it... if you take that hit, shoot up... if you run, the hurt never goes away.  The pain stays forever.  You always walk in darkness.  There is no light. 

So for me... I'll continue on my journey.  Eating. Praying. Loving. and Learning along the way what works best for me.  Because a better me, gets a better man who loves me best. 

Dani

http://thisisdani.com
youtube.com/danithepoet
facebook.com/danithepoet
IG: @thisisdanicook
Twitter: @danithepoet 

The Symmetry Between Self-Love & Selfish

We live in an age where we're very self-oriented in our beliefs.  Everywhere you look there's a commercial telling you what you deserve and how much you need to do for yourself.  The same is true in social media.  People post about focusing on themselves, cutting out people who aren't beneficial for them, making sure they put themselves first, etc.  And while I agree there is a need to love self, protect self, and nurture self, I don't believe any of those things equate to being selfish, lack of sacrifice, or giving to another. 

We are a people of extremes.  

I know I always have been.  I love hard. Play hard.  Hate hard.  

At least I used to.

I loved the idea of things being black and white.  If I was going to do something, I might as well "do it right".  I was not a fan of "grey" in almost any context.

But now, I crave balance... some middle ground. Something that doesn't swing freely, sometimes uncontrollably, between 0 and 180 degrees.  And this is what we need when it comes to self-love. We need balance.. A solid message that helps heal those like me who have no point of reference for nurturing or love in such a capacity... and also teaches patience and compassion to those who have taken self-love and equated it to selfishness because both of those extremes have us missing out on the best that we have to offer each other in relationships. 

Now, I'm not talking just about romantic relationships although that's the main focus of this post.  Intimacy isn't just about a romantic relationship.  Our friendships, family relationships, etc are intimate or at least they should be.  Intimacy requires a certain level of vulnerability and extreme people don't do vulnerable well. 

I should know... 

There was a time when I was completely aware of the things going on in me that were keeping me from getting into relationships with people.  I was fine with "surface" dealings because they meant I was "safe". And that feeling of being safe was more important than the risk of hurt just to experience love with another person.  The way I looked at it, I've been loved.  I've had great love with good men and I know what it feels like so there was no need risking someone performing an emotional act of genocide on my heart.  No thank you. It simply wasn't necessary or remotely appealing to me.... Back then. 

But there comes a time when someone becomes more important than the need to feel safe.  And that's when you begin to come out of the castle.  You lower the drawbridge, stop refilling the moat with piranhas, and put away the fire breathing dragon.  BUT - this isn't when you take off all your armor and give folks free access to your delicate places.  (Extreme) Because if you do this and get hurt, I promise your response is going to be extreme and often to retaliate and hurt them back. (For those who know me, you've seen this in action.) Hence the need for balance. 

The key isn't to be a ride or die chick, a stand by your man no matter what he does woman. It's about compromise.  Give and take.  Putting in work and seeing your efforts matched by the other person.  When these signs are present and the relationship is worth it, you keep working.  You stay.  You fight for it.  And I promise that's not possible if your idea of self-love is selfish.  Because it takes sacrifice.  You WILL hurt. But the good must outweigh the bad by far and it will be worth it.  

Too often we stay for people who aren't working with us, but continually against us and it's because we either don't have an understanding of our own value, lack adequate love for ourselves, or we're scared to be alone.  For me, it was the middle one.  I know my value.  Hell, I can give you a laundry list of what I bring to the table as a person.  But knowing you're valuable... understanding that there are things about you that are lovable... isn't the same as knowing you're worth loving.  And knowing that someone should love you, doesn't mean you know how to love yourself. Some are lacking in a point of reference for this and with us, you will have to be patient.  (Here's where balance will be essential.) 

You can't give so much you become empty.  The other person must be replenishing your supply.  You must hold each other down.  Think of it like playing on the teeter-totter on the playground as a kid.  You can't leave them up or stay down too long or it's no fun... you won't be able to look each other in the eye, laugh, and enjoy the ride.  You must push yourself off to bring them down and they must do the same for you.  You have to account for the weight difference in each other knowing that it will require different things from each of you to accommodate the other - that's what makes each relationship unique.  Don't ride with someone who isn't working with you.  Take turns driving because being behind the wheel all the time is tiring and no one should be napping when you've been up for 20 hours and the life of your relationship depends on you staying awake.  (Hopefully, ya'll are following my analogies. lol) 

You can't be the lifeline of the relationship. Remember the lessons of our childhood and take turns.  Share. Understanding that you'll have to do them in both the good and bad times.  It doesn't make you weak or a fool - not if they're doing the same for you.  It makes you smart enough to not walk away from something that has the potential to be everything. Love yourself enough to not deprive it of the best thing you could possibly have just because of pride or the opinions of others.

Hell, most of them are in a worse position and misery loves company. 

If you haven't been paying attention or don't have a strong sense of discernment, you may have missed the shift in the universe, but we are living in a time where we need to figure out what's really important.  It's time for us to heal, learn to nurture and love ourselves, find balance in how much we give to others, and not run from those who bring out the best in us.  Being able to get to the extremes is essential and has its place, but having the extremes be the ONLY place you can reside is detrimental to the very things we want most: To Love and Be Loved.  

I'm looking for balance... trying to be comfortable in the "grey"... 

Join me. 

Dani's Website
Dani's YouTube
Dani's FB Fan Page

Assumptions, Stereotypes, or Just the Plain Truth

I was recently criticized for a post I put on Instagram that compared men putting up pics of cars and cash to women posting pics of their tits and ass because I said that they both complain when they attract "hoes" who only want their money and "niggas" who only want to hit it and leave.  The problem was in my use of the word "hoe" in describing the women according to this particular female.  She felt as if I was degrading the women and regardless if they were degrading themselves, she said that I shouldn't.  Her statement was that I was judging them based on their pictures and women dressing sexually didn't make them promiscuous.  (And let me just say that I wasn't calling them hoes or the men niggas.. that's why the words were in quotes... because that's how they refer to each other in the pics)

Having said that, I'm not quite sure we're referring to the same thing... 
There's a difference between dressing in a provocative manner and posting pics that could make the cover of Penthouse.  There's such a thing as being sexy, tempting even, without being vulgar and displaying nudity.  

And I have this thought on it:
If you're a bird and you have wings, I'm going to assume you can fly.  Now, we all know that not every bird can fly, but the majority of the time, it's a safe and accurate assumption.  So, if you conduct yourself in a manner that appears "hoe-ish" in nature, I don't believe you have the right to be offended when I assume that to be true.  

For those who think I'm wrong or wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd like to address that for you.  When I first started writing and even now to some degree, there are those who think I'm a "man hater" and just blast men all the time, but I don't let that bother me.  I know that if someone actually reads a good portion of my work/posts, they'll know that's not the case and anyone who makes that assumption doesn't really know me.  While social media is an "outlet" and not necessarily the best tool to use when making an assessment about people, I do believe it's pretty much like everything else in life... whatever is most important to you, the way you think, believe, etc will show through more often than not.  You can't hide who you are.  That goes for the good and bad.

As for "judging" people... I have an issue with that word.  I don't think categorizing you or believing you to be who you show yourself to be is judgment.  I think it's smart.  Good prudence.  Judgment is when I determine your value or worth based on that assumption and that's not something I've done.  I haven't said that none of these people are good, have value, or could be relationship material.  That's not for me to say.  Now, there are those who believe a hoe and housewife don't go together, but that's not up to me to decide.  I can only judge if men who post nothing but cash and cars are good prospects for ME... not anyone else.  And it's my prerogative to do so because I can choose who's in my life or not for whatever reasons I deem appropriate.  So... back to the issue of whether I was wrong for making an assumption that a bird with wings can fly:

There's a reason stereotypes exist.  They may be racially, socially, or economically motivated, but for the most part, they are accurate.  That's how they become stereotypes, right?  We naturally associate technology and intelligence with Asians, religion and right-wing values with Republicans, "baby daddy" issues, dancing, and good cooking with Blacks, and the KKK with rednecks.  While there are definitely lots of people who don't fit into these stereotypes, they exist because there's a majority where they've been found to be true for a long period of time.  Don't get mad at me for speaking the truth.  I'm just sayin'.  

It would be wonderful to live in a world without prejudice, but I don't believe that to be the same thing as assessing who people demonstrate themselves to be and then making an assumption based on that information.  How else are we supposed to determine who people are? We have to go on our gut, our spirit, etc but we can't discount what we see with our own eyes because that'd be plain foolishness.  At least in my humble opinion.

So, if your profile pics, IG posts, and Twitter look like the twerkin' pic below... please expect and don't be offended when me (and others) assume you're a hoe.

A Different Place...

As I sit here almost a full here from the last time I blogged on this site, I'm a little in awe at the difference 10 months can make in a person's life.

While I'm still perfectly content in my singleness and nowhere close to ready for marriage, I find myself more willing to consider the possibility of letting someone love me.  Notice, I didn't say that I was open to loving because that's never quite been an issue for me.  That's why I've chosen the people that I have in the last 2 years to deal with... because they were never a threat.  How's does that sound?  Crazy, huh?

Let me see if I can explain it better and if any of you that this next paragraph applies to are reading this... let me apologize in advance because my intent is not to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest.  See, when you come out of a relationship that absolutely devastates you, shakes not just your belief in love, but the foundation of your spirituality, you do everything possible to not put yourself in the position to repeat that mistake.  So for the last two years, IF I decided to spend time with a guy, I specifically chose people that I knew I had no interest in long term.  Not that I didn't like them or didn't enjoy spending time with them, but because there was something about them (and this point varies depending on who we're speaking of) that prevented any real possibility of me falling in love and having a long term relationship with them.  And this worked... for a while.

But eventually... inevitably, when you're a real woman, a good woman, you get to the point where you either want something more or nothing at all because you can only have so much fun, casual conversation, and good sex.  Just keeping it real.

Now, what's interesting is that I'm not sure I'm up for something heavy or long term and I know that I'm still years away from even considering marriage again, but at least I'm open to the idea of a relationship which is a big step for me.  I've even gone out on a few dates with people that I thought were potential candidates for something to possibly develop... like, there was nothing obvious that I knew would put them in the "just for now" category.. lol.. And what I found is that I'm more disappointed than anything.  Because it seems no matter how open you try to be with them, how clear you are about what you do and don't like, will and won't take, and what games they don't need to play... they still don't get it right.  It's almost like they say that want you to be honest and upfront, but when you are, they can't handle it or don't know what to say to it.  And I frankly don't want to take the time to train or teach someone how to be a man with me.  I want someone who already knows.. which brings me back around to being completely content being single if that never comes along because I refuse to settle.

I did that once already.

And to be honest, I think men almost have too many options. I know a lot of beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are single.  So, for a guy... even if he's got the attention of one of us, there's the potential to entertain more of us and if he can without making a choice, why shouldn't he? Except that in the end, he's just as alone as the rest of us but who's really making decisions based on their reality 5-10years from now when it comes to dating and relationships? Not most of the guys I know.

So, here I sit... a single 38yr old mom of two daughters who most think should be on the hunt for someone before my clock runs out or menopause decides to hit and instead, I'm at home writing this blog and perfectly content... with me.

Don't get me wrong... if someone worthwhile comes along, I'm open to at least the possibility. ;)

Single & Happy - A Lesson For the Men

Over the recent months, I've had more and more men ask me "what's a beautiful woman like you doing single?".  Then of course, there's the man who assumes that he understands me, knows my level of hurt, and that one day, when I'm ready, "the right man will come along and I'll be happy." And I swing back and forth on the pendulum of response to this going from laughter to downright anger, close to madness, in my need to react.

But instead of reacting, I think I'll take this time to respond... correct.. and hopefully, educate.

Believe it or not, happiness can be obtained in solitude.  Contentment can be found without constant companionship or the defining status of: In a Relationship

I know that is hard for some of you to grasp and your male egos think that we should have to NEED you, but hear me, believe me when I say that it is just not so.   And here's the important part to this... it's not because we're angry.  Our choice to be single is not because we've been so devastated that our belief in marriage is now bitter or our ability to trust shattered.  It's simply not what we want.  Now, I'm not sure why that's such a hard concept to grasp, but apparently it is.  So, in an effort to clarify, break it down for easy consumption let me explain it to you from my personal perspective and see if it makes any sense to you.

I believe wholeheartedly in the institution of marriage.  It is something sacred, precious, and amazing.  Now, I was raised in church and while there are many beliefs that I may now question or wonder about their simplicity, the role of men and women in relationships is not one of them.  Having said that, I need you to pay attention here and understand what I'm telling you. I believe that the man is the head of the house.  Yup, that's right.  I believe that the man should be the head of the house and be treated as such.  Now, men... don't think this means that you can expect the respect and submission this position deserves if you aren't leading appropriately. 

Here's the thing... (and yes, I'm going back to church on ya'll)

The word says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church.  We all know that Jesus loved the Church enough to sacrifice himself for it.  Men, when's the last time you left your woman feeling like you would die for her?  When's the last time you created an atmosphere that said to her "you come first" or "my wants will come after your needs"?  I've been telling men for years that the key to a woman is to make her feel safe.  Not just physically, but on all fronts.  You do that, and I promise submission will not be an issue.  A man must know to facilitate the balance between leading and letting.  See, women aren't to be treated as children or stepping stones.. they are to be respected, honored, and treasured.  There's a balance that must be obtained.

For example, everyone would probably agree that Michelle Obama, First Lady and attorney, is a strong woman.  I would even venture to say that she's "independent" in her thinking, but I don't think there's a soul that would say Barak doesn't lead that home.  Just like when they dance, she's secure in his steps, so she's comfortable letting him lead.  That's the balance of a perfect union.

Now, I know some of you men are saying that women today won't let you lead and that some of us are too independent.  And I would agree.  But I'm talking about what I would call "real" women.  A woman who understands the way this thing is designed to work... when this woman has a man who exhibits the qualities listed above, she naturally submits.  She falls into alignment with that which God designed and understands her role... her place.  And there's nothing demeaning in it.  There's no loss of self, no secondary level of respect, because he exalts her.  Maybe some of you think I'm old school.. old fashioned, etc.. and that's fine by me.  But I know strong women - amazing women who have their heads held high, accomplishing success on a variety of levels who are married to confident men, who aren't threatened by them, know how to appreciate them, support them in their endeavors, and put them in their place when needed.  That's how it should work people.

I also believe that men being the "head" of the house means that he comes before the children.  Now, before you mothers freak out.. listen to me.  If he's the man we have described above, there's no issue giving him this power, because he's the kind of man who will place them before himself just as he does you.  Make sense?  That's why we shouldn't just become joined to anyone.  In the right relationship, we are entrusting this man to lead our family and he must be worthy and capable of that responsibilty.. and not all of them are.

I said all of that to say this...

It's this belief system that keeps me single.  Puzzled are you?  Well, think about it.  It makes perfect sense.  Coming out of a 13yr marriage, I believe that it's my responsibilty to give my undivided attention to my daughters.  Make sure that they are okay with things the way they are.  I am focused on them, my career(s), and myself.  And because of that, I know that a relationship isn't for me.  I won't bring a man on the scene and have him detract from what they rightfully deserve and definitely need from me right now.  That wouldn't be fair to them, and I'm their mother above anything else.  At the same time, it wouldn't be fair to the man either.  He deserves the right to take his position in the relationship and if I know that I'm not willing to even entertain that right now, why should I waste his time with me?  Why not let him move on to another woman who desires a serious relationship or who is just dying to married??  Isn't that the responsible and respectful thing to do?

See, it's not bitterness that keeps from me single.  It's a choice to be conscious of what others need/desire and not involve myself with people who want more than I know I'm willing to give.  That doesn't make me a "scorned woman" "man-hater" or "bitter bitch".  It makes me intelligent, responsible, and grown.  I don't need a baby daddy. A sponsor holds no appeal for me.  The only people I want to be attached to until death do we part right now are my daughters and my family.  And believe it or not, they alone make me happy.  I am not lacking. 

So before you open your mouth, chat box, or message box and go to ask a woman why is she single... think about this and understand that it might just be exactly what she wants... and she's happy with it.

Confrontation

it's not confrontation when done with conviction...because it's necessary for the resurrection of my soul. so, don't call me dramatic. i am not the conjurer of conflict, but simply taking the necessary steps to survive it.

and i'm not asking you to approve, nor do i expect you to like it. you don't have to grin and bear it, but it's going to happen anyway. so, you might as well determine to come out smiling: i have.

:)

that's right.

i'm finally on the road to recovery and although the pain is deep rooted and i can still feel the cut of betrayal, indignation at the trespassing onto my private property, i'm getting better. i'm taking it one step at a time and watching myself blaze trails where few have dared to travel.

how about that?

innocence may have been lost, trust dissolved, and fears instilled, but someone once told me that courage is not the absence of fear, but action taken in the midst of it's presence. So, call me the Cowardly Lion and hear me roar... because i refuse to let the snare of the enemy hold me hostage anymore.

now, some would say that God is not in the midst of what i currently do because my feet have long since crossed a church threshold, but i know that "church" resides in my communion with Him and that takes place in my spirit and in my soul. so, take a look at that plank reflected in your own mirror and leave my salvation to the only One who determines it... and i won't judge you either.

wouldn't that be something? if acceptance could be obtained without the need for approval... if you could not just love, but respect me anyway even if you don't agree with it... now, that would be an accomplishment.

if what the devil meant for bad, really turned out to be used for good... (i think i've heard that somewhere before) and yes, i'm smiling. see, i haven't turned my back on God, it's just hard for me to look Him in the eye sometimes. i've always been special to Him, and He knows that i know He didn't do it, but it still hurts...

so, He just holds the back of my bicycle seat and lets me think that i'm doing it all myself. that's why i still love Him. He finds amusement at my so-called independence of Him when all the while, He's still guiding my direction. He even pretends not to see me look back to make sure He hasn't let go yet... so, don't tell me i don't have a relationship. it's just different than yours.

and that's the entire point that i'm trying to make. so what i do and say isn't exactly "politically correct" or "socially acceptable"... am i supposed to be discouraged by that? if nothing else, your cries of indignation only serve as confirmation that i'm doing just what needs to be done. so, as i've said before, you'll get no apologies from me. sorry just can't leave my lips. because if trying to find my healing and peace is somehow offensive to you, if my true intentions somehow don't penetrate your wall of anger or confusion, i can't help you.

in the meantime, i've got to continue calling a spade a spade, telling the Undiluted Truth, and praying for the strength to do it without the expectation of affirmation from anyone.

i think Someone incredibly wise once said... "and the Truth, shall set you free.."

i'm just trying to spread my wings...