As I sit here almost a full here from the last time I blogged on this site, I'm a little in awe at the difference 10 months can make in a person's life.
While I'm still perfectly content in my singleness and nowhere close to ready for marriage, I find myself more willing to consider the possibility of letting someone love me. Notice, I didn't say that I was open to loving because that's never quite been an issue for me. That's why I've chosen the people that I have in the last 2 years to deal with... because they were never a threat. How's does that sound? Crazy, huh?
Let me see if I can explain it better and if any of you that this next paragraph applies to are reading this... let me apologize in advance because my intent is not to hurt your feelings, but I have to be honest. See, when you come out of a relationship that absolutely devastates you, shakes not just your belief in love, but the foundation of your spirituality, you do everything possible to not put yourself in the position to repeat that mistake. So for the last two years, IF I decided to spend time with a guy, I specifically chose people that I knew I had no interest in long term. Not that I didn't like them or didn't enjoy spending time with them, but because there was something about them (and this point varies depending on who we're speaking of) that prevented any real possibility of me falling in love and having a long term relationship with them. And this worked... for a while.
But eventually... inevitably, when you're a real woman, a good woman, you get to the point where you either want something more or nothing at all because you can only have so much fun, casual conversation, and good sex. Just keeping it real.
Now, what's interesting is that I'm not sure I'm up for something heavy or long term and I know that I'm still years away from even considering marriage again, but at least I'm open to the idea of a relationship which is a big step for me. I've even gone out on a few dates with people that I thought were potential candidates for something to possibly develop... like, there was nothing obvious that I knew would put them in the "just for now" category.. lol.. And what I found is that I'm more disappointed than anything. Because it seems no matter how open you try to be with them, how clear you are about what you do and don't like, will and won't take, and what games they don't need to play... they still don't get it right. It's almost like they say that want you to be honest and upfront, but when you are, they can't handle it or don't know what to say to it. And I frankly don't want to take the time to train or teach someone how to be a man with me. I want someone who already knows.. which brings me back around to being completely content being single if that never comes along because I refuse to settle.
I did that once already.
And to be honest, I think men almost have too many options. I know a lot of beautiful, intelligent, successful women who are single. So, for a guy... even if he's got the attention of one of us, there's the potential to entertain more of us and if he can without making a choice, why shouldn't he? Except that in the end, he's just as alone as the rest of us but who's really making decisions based on their reality 5-10years from now when it comes to dating and relationships? Not most of the guys I know.
So, here I sit... a single 38yr old mom of two daughters who most think should be on the hunt for someone before my clock runs out or menopause decides to hit and instead, I'm at home writing this blog and perfectly content... with me.
Don't get me wrong... if someone worthwhile comes along, I'm open to at least the possibility. ;)
