Confrontation

it's not confrontation when done with conviction...because it's necessary for the resurrection of my soul. so, don't call me dramatic. i am not the conjurer of conflict, but simply taking the necessary steps to survive it.

and i'm not asking you to approve, nor do i expect you to like it. you don't have to grin and bear it, but it's going to happen anyway. so, you might as well determine to come out smiling: i have.

:)

that's right.

i'm finally on the road to recovery and although the pain is deep rooted and i can still feel the cut of betrayal, indignation at the trespassing onto my private property, i'm getting better. i'm taking it one step at a time and watching myself blaze trails where few have dared to travel.

how about that?

innocence may have been lost, trust dissolved, and fears instilled, but someone once told me that courage is not the absence of fear, but action taken in the midst of it's presence. So, call me the Cowardly Lion and hear me roar... because i refuse to let the snare of the enemy hold me hostage anymore.

now, some would say that God is not in the midst of what i currently do because my feet have long since crossed a church threshold, but i know that "church" resides in my communion with Him and that takes place in my spirit and in my soul. so, take a look at that plank reflected in your own mirror and leave my salvation to the only One who determines it... and i won't judge you either.

wouldn't that be something? if acceptance could be obtained without the need for approval... if you could not just love, but respect me anyway even if you don't agree with it... now, that would be an accomplishment.

if what the devil meant for bad, really turned out to be used for good... (i think i've heard that somewhere before) and yes, i'm smiling. see, i haven't turned my back on God, it's just hard for me to look Him in the eye sometimes. i've always been special to Him, and He knows that i know He didn't do it, but it still hurts...

so, He just holds the back of my bicycle seat and lets me think that i'm doing it all myself. that's why i still love Him. He finds amusement at my so-called independence of Him when all the while, He's still guiding my direction. He even pretends not to see me look back to make sure He hasn't let go yet... so, don't tell me i don't have a relationship. it's just different than yours.

and that's the entire point that i'm trying to make. so what i do and say isn't exactly "politically correct" or "socially acceptable"... am i supposed to be discouraged by that? if nothing else, your cries of indignation only serve as confirmation that i'm doing just what needs to be done. so, as i've said before, you'll get no apologies from me. sorry just can't leave my lips. because if trying to find my healing and peace is somehow offensive to you, if my true intentions somehow don't penetrate your wall of anger or confusion, i can't help you.

in the meantime, i've got to continue calling a spade a spade, telling the Undiluted Truth, and praying for the strength to do it without the expectation of affirmation from anyone.

i think Someone incredibly wise once said... "and the Truth, shall set you free.."

i'm just trying to spread my wings...

The Eye of the Beholder

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, may I cut your eyes out to look in my mirror?
because I rarely like what I see in my reflection...

it is funny that the skin i boast to feel so comfortable in
is also the source of my insecurities...
is it possible to feel confidently insecure?
an actual place of existence
something real that one can dwell in
or does the insecurity make the confidence
null and void?

see, i believe in a bipolar existence
a place of residence that is probably more real
than the four walls you call home...
because none of us are what we pretend 24/7
even Jesus had his waivering moment
while standing in the Garden of Eden

why do you expect anything different from me?

Why should compliments fall easy on my ears
like whispers of my beloved
when belief that i'm worthy of love
is at times a stretch of my imagination...
nothing more than an apparition
in the desert of my life?

Some hear these words as a quest for reassurance
an expedition of false modesty
seeking a confirmation of validity
but that simply isn't the case
more like an admission
a confessional truth to only be
whispered behind closed doors
because no one would believe them
if shouted from rooftops
and oh, how i feel like shouting

but what would that accomplish?
the vision i see staring back at me
would be the same
and i would still desire for hers to be a name
other than mine
and as long as i stand there
looking for her to be something
other than what she is
beauty will allude me,
disappointment will find me,
and insecurity will be a permanent
fixture in my reality

and while that may be true,
all i have to do is turn my face
from that vessel of vanity,
close my eyes and remember
that although it contains,
my skin is not me...
not the true souce of my beauty

it's my love of the Lord,
however troubled and complicated a relationship
that might be,
my willingness to be open and vulnerable before him
no matter what the masses may think of me...
it's my love of my daughters...
the thing that propels me
when i'm sure that i have nothing left to offer
in those things i see goodness,
and i can be proud,
raise my chin and look to the clouds
with no shame and no doubt...
because insecurities pale in the face of love
incase you didn't know.

so while it may sound like a double standard,
another Dani bipolar moment,
i think we all share a confidently insecure
view of ourselves at times...
and that's okay.
maybe beauty shouldn't be the thing
that we seek to behold when looking in the mirror
but a reflection of inner strength
that on our darkest days will keep us going
atleast, i'd like to think so...