would you believe me?

would you believe me...

if i said that i believe that love is fleeting and hate lingers for an eternity?

what if i said that doubt and fear buy mortgages, purchase living space in the communities of your heart and spirit, while faith and motivation tend to be temporary tenants leasing space until there's no more real estate available and they are bought out?

i know that it seems negative, slightly pessimistic, but for most of us, i would say that this is a reality of how we feel most days. the only thing that changes the living arrangements in our hearts, ironically, are the thoughts existing in our mind. and if you have never tried it, let me tell you that changing the "inner dialogue" (to use a much overused & underdefined modern term) is a bitch. lol. for me the process of redirecting the information that 36 years on this earth has provided me into reaffirming positive reality is difficult. hell, sometimes i think i've got about as much chance of being successful in that as Eminem does in realizing his ass is white. #i'mjustsayin' (and i love Eminem)

i guess what i'm trying to say is that sometimes it's easier to believe that dreams don't come true and fairytales are only meant for the pages of books read to children before bedtime. because then there's no need to fear. you don't have to worry about when it's going to end, when the tide is going to turn, and the goodness that has finally seen fit to find you moves on to someone you are sure is more deserving.

now, don't confuse these words with low self -esteem because understand that i'm aware of my greatness... lol. (j/k sort of) i know the things in me that are good.. that are of value. this is a different type of thing happening here. some might call it insecurity or fear of failing, but the name doesn't matter. all i can tell you is that it's real. and it hurts like hell. the biggest challenge is not allowing it to keep you from pursuing what you know to be your destiny.

see, i heard it once said that fear either does one of two things: it either paralyzes or it motivates. and i'm determined to no longer be frozen, stuck in a time warp waiting for wedges w/ little fishing swimming in them to come back in style! instead, face the fear head on and deal with it as you can. sometimes, that will be peeking through your fingers like watching a scary movie, and other times it will be with guns blazing daring fear to accost you. only problem with the latter is that we tend to misfire hitting those things meant to protect or help us along the way.

so, what we need to do... or at least, what i know i need to do, is practice spitting the positive words in my mind like i'm preparing for the GrandSlam finals of LIFE until they become engraved in me and i can "GO IN" at a moment's notice... just when it's necessary and i need to draw upon them most. if i can manage to do that, and simply continue to walk through the doors that open, kick down the ones that don't, and make the most of the gifts God has given me, all will be well and eventually, love will linger like the sweet aroma of honeysuckles in spring and fear will dissipate with the realization of my fate - whatever was spoken into the universe long before my birth.

and that... i'm okay with.